Criticize Me Some More!

Not everyone has to work hard for what they have. Just those that really deserve it.

At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself lately. I'm feeling less than motivated this season, seeing as I've been pretty sick and had lots of personal troubles to trip me up. But that's life, right?

I'm still deciding most of my new plan for changing things. It seems I'm in excess of things I want to change, but not in the time it takes to change them. Hmm. Sacrifices are going to have to be made. Life will have to change.

Have I ever expected it to come easily? Did I ever expect making myself into something great to come naturally, without effort or work?

In that vein, I'd like to ask you, dear readers, for your opinions. Please tell me of any and all flaws you see in my writing. And hold nothing back! I welcome your criticism. I won't lie and say it won't sting, but it's for a good cause: my own self-improvement.

So, please, criticize away!

Sorta Sane

So I disappeared after my nervous breakdown a bit. I know I'm not doing so well, because I can't write. I sit at the computer, pull the book up and just stare at it blankly for a long time. Not because I don't know where to go from here but because it just doesn't feel like the words are in me anymore.

Which is crazy. I know the words are there. I just can't seem to reach them.

But I have some good news. I read some pretty risque books on occasion, and since the rape I haven't been able to. But yesterday I made myself get a really rough one about a woman like me who was recovering from a severe rape who subsequently fell in love and found peace. Strangely, the book was better therapy than just about anything I've done so far.

My coworker and I are also getting along better. I had to go to our boss and report things, but we're dealing now. So that front looks better. 

And boys are still hitting on me and pressuring me to go out with them, which I'm just not ready for.

Beyond the recent trauma, I have a hard time finding men who I click with. I guess I'm a little picky. I need to feel passion with them, need to be able to hold intelligent conversations with them, and they need to be able to call me on my crap sometimes.

Looks are not required. Appreciated, but not required. Money is not required. A nice perk, but again, I don't really care. I just need to FEEL when I'm with them, instead of having that cold logic dominating my personality.

I wish I could write my book again. I feel the words inside me, wanting to be unleashed. It feels like something is in the way right now, though. And I'm not sure if it's my personal problems or a story problem.

Anyway, thought I'd get on here and let you all know that I am coping and dealing with things in my own way. I don't like how depressed I've been lately and I'll soon be dragging my butt back out of it. But right now, I just don't have the energy to.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Right?

And Now For The Nervous Breakdown

I felt this nervous breakdown coming. After all that happened in my personal life, and how my family situation has been going, it was inevitable. So when someone at work started disappearing, lying to me, backtalking me when I'm trying to train her, talking bad about me to my coworkers, and not finishing her workload at the end of the day when I'm required to get EVERYTHING DONE at work before I leave, I'm not surprised it happened.

Remember my anger post? Yeah, I was considering using my usual tricks to get rid of this lady before she pushed me over the edge. But I didn't want to be that person, so I decided to just play nice and let each of us go our own way.

And then this weekend happened.

First, it was Friday. I find out she's bad-mouthing me. Wonderful. Like that isn't going to infuriate me. And then my (big) boss comes around and tells me I have to finish an impossible workload before leaving work that night, and to get two FULL 3-high (that means it has three shelves that tower over your head) carts gone through, prepped, and binned in the back.

On a Friday. After having already spent 3 hours on the registers up front. With no one covering my department but me from 5:30-10:00 (I work in Jewelry, where they call you for customers every few minutes).

Yeah. That was fun.

And on Saturday they tell me the same thing AGAIN. Only this time, I don't have any easy things to work through quickly and make disappear. I worked all of that stuff Friday. No, all that's left is the hard junk. I'm working my tail off, again, and work like a crazy person to get this stuff done.

But I did it. Four carts are gone from the bins and they look FANTASTIC.

Now, I didn't do it all alone. My coworker, who is causing the problems, is out on the floor covering jewelry and running freight in shoes while I'm in the back. But she disappears again after her last break (for 45 minutes), and I need her to do a few things in that time.

This makes me kind of mad. But I drop it. I don't want anyone accusing me of "not getting along" with my co-worker.

So I go in today. And I am joyfully greeted with the news that I'm working jewelry today while the new girl works shoe freight.

I'm so excited. Maybe today will go better? After all, I'm not stuck in the bins all day today. Just have to get rid of any shoe freight she works that doesn't go out.

My co-worker has about 4 hours to complete 1 1/2 carts of shoes. I have nothing to do with it, and I only tell her that my other co-worker left a note for her at jewelry. She tells me she knows, but never comes by to see. Doesn't come by jewelry to check in. Isn't in the shoe department 80% of the time I go to check on her.

9:00 swings around. I know it's time for her to be gone. So I go to check on what she has finished. She's left 2 boxes out of freight that she didn't get done, and at first I think, ahh, I can cover that. But then I go to the back. And find that she's left all the picks she was supposed to work and the other cart she was supposed to get still back there.

So those 2 boxes are from the 1/2 a cart she was supposed to work when I arrived in the department at 2:00.

Now, if you have never run freight for shoes, you should know: this is ridiculously easy work. You take out big shoe boxes from the bigger boxes they come in. You take said shoe boxes to their designated display. You hang/set shoe boxes on shelves. And then you get rid of cardboard. Anything that doesn't go out, gets stacked in a pile.

That's it.

1 1/2 carts of freight should have taken an experienced worker 1 1/2 to 2 hours. An inexperienced one would take 3 to MAYBE 4. But not to have finished even half a cart in 4 hours? While I'm covering jewelry? And someone else is picking up the floor?

So I find a whole crap-load of work to do 2 hours before it's time for me to close. And she's just gone. Haven't seen her for an hour. 

I lost it, folks. I had to cart back 1 and a half carts full of crap to the back and load them on the carts I have taken TWO DAYS to empty. TWO DAYS of climbing up and down ladders, scanning box after box, moving stacks of boxes around and over my head into uncomfortable places, hunting printers and making boxes for shoes to be put in, all done in sweltering heat because the back room doesn't air condition very well?

Did I mention our boss is coming back from vacation tomorrow and I'm responsible for making the bins look good? Or that I emptied one half of a 3 high jewelry cart while she did this (jewelry is difficult because you're near a cash register and people want you to check them out and it's a lot of small items packaged like nuclear weapons)? And served a whole bunch of customers who just wanted to check out? And did returns? And cleaned the jewelry department so that my boss doesn't come back to a COMPLETE mess?

Yeah, I know what I'm doing and she's only been here a month. Yeah, I expected to have to cover for her. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to have the heavier work-load because I'm actually experienced.

But what did she do for 4 hours?!? Shoes was a mess every time I came by to check on her. Only at the end did it look a little picked up.

So I rant and raved for a few hours. Cried. Stormed around the building like a crazy person. Complained about said co-worker at length. Left a note for my boss telling on her for what she did. I feel a little guilty for it, too. But only a very little. This whole thing has gotten way out of hand and I can't survive it just by sticking my head in the mud and ignoring it. I might lose my job over this, but if she wants to tell people I'm "just being mean to her", then I guess I'll have to take it. I can't believe people who know me so well would believe I'd actually bully someone like that. I can't even say a mean thing to my rapist. Why in the world would I waste my meanness on some random lady I hardly know???

This won't end pretty. I hope this is the only nervous breakdown I have to endure, but it really sucks that it happened at work. With people watching.

I usually like my nervous breakdowns a little more private than that.

Healthy Relationships.

Back when I was reading everything I could get my hands on about change, I remember I would cringe every time it got to the part about relationships. Each one said the same thing: You need to surround yourself with people who are supportive of your change and who emulate such an example in their own lives, if you really want to make an effective change in your life.

These are called healthy relationships.

And I encourage such relationships in my daily life. I'm quite good at finding and continuing them. I make friends with people on here and at work who help me stay on track with how I want my life to be like.

Unfortunately, I know that the 2 most influential people in my life DON'T support me. In fact, you could say they do everything in their power to stop me.

These people are known as my parents.

Not because they don't love me. It's not even envy. In part, I think it is a subconscious desire to keep me young and dependent on them for everything. Also, I've had a pretty rough life, and they've been along for that ride. They are terrified that I'm going to get hurt even worse and want to "protect" me from the world.

Getting raped did not help matters. I admit, I need to learn a lesson from what happened in how to handle men and dating in the future. I do not agree with the concept that I should give up on going out with my friends at night because (and here I quote) nothing good can come from being out late at night.

Allow me to insert the fact that I'm 23 years old in here.

I understand my parents' need to protect me. I understand that they want me to stay safe. But I refuse to quit living because someone decided to make me a victim again. I've allowed my fear of living to hold me back from too many things in life, and it's not going to happen again. I can't go back to that sad, little depressed soul who barely left the house. I just can't.

My mom and step-dad have fed into my depression for years. I don't think they are even aware of doing it. But they've kept me wrapped up in them and myself for as long as I can remember, encouraging self-destructive behavior that I now realize should have been stomped out long ago.

I can't let that continue. Even though it has harmed my relationship with my parents, I want to be a better person and I determined at the start of this that I would do whatever I had to to place my relationship with them on a more healthy footing. For all our sakes.

The current situation has set me back quite a bit, however. I don't know how I'm going to set my family life back on track, but I'm going to take a guess and say it will be a rough ride.

Here's hoping I can hold on.

Holding On

So I have missed 2 blog posts in a row. I should feel bad, because this is basically me holding onto my life change by my fingernails. But I'm still holding onto it by my fingernails!

And that makes me feel pretty damn good.

I mean, I haven't given up. I could use what happened as an excuse to quit, to say it isn't going to work this time and move on, and who would blame me? But I'm not doing that. I want this too bad to give up. I won't let anyone steal this from me.

I can and I will get back up and make it work. I can be strong.

But I'm also going to have to be realistic. I can't go back to a strict regimen and routine and expect myself to just jump into it full-fledged ahead. I don't have it in me right now. And that's okay.

I just need to do something. Anything. I need to get back up and try again. I need to give this a chance to work, because I know it can. And I'm going to need all the help I can get to do that.

I want to thank everyone for their very supportive comments. And when I have a little more socialization in me again, I'm going to go back through and reply to them all. But I want you to know I've read them and truly appreciate your kindness. And that what you've said has meant something to me. I may be holding on by my fingernails, but I'm pretty sure you guys are what those fingernails are holding onto.

I apologize for the scratches.

My Own Worst Enemy

I've never understood what has held me back from being the person I wanted to be. I did a lot of research at the beginning of this life change and tried to find out what that was and make it work this time. And I discovered so many useful things. I found my way to what I needed.

And now it feels like I'm back where I started from. I don't understand it. It's like my own mind and body turned against me just as I got into the swing of things. And I'm not just talking about the emotional mind that sabotages all humans in their pursuits of doing what's best vs. what feels good. I'm talking about literally turning against me: I have a lupus flare and I can't physically do any of the things I need to. Plus, there's the little fact that I am bipolar (no manias, just depression), and I've been terribly depressed the last week or so. Add that in and you have a double whammy.

I'm weak as a kitten physically, my brain thinks nothing but bad thoughts no matter how many times I redirect it, and I feel exhausted, mentally and physically all of the time.

But I NEED this so badly. I have to make this life change happen. I have to make it work. This is that important to me.

Lately, I've been slipping a lot. I think it's because I lost the ability and time to do a lot of my pre-planning. Pre-planning is one of the most important things I've found in my arsenal of change. If I didn't plan ahead of time what will and won't happen, what I'll work on and what I'll ignore, I fail.

I haven't cleaned my room hardly at all. I've maintained it to a certain degree, but no real cleaning. I haven't cleaned the kitchen. I haven't cleaned out my car again. I haven't done my daily routines. I haven't done a lot of things of late.

And jumping right back in right now feels impossible. I tell myself to get up and do it, but my mind and body fight me the entire way. I end up feeling worse when I try than if I didn't.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too broken to succeed.

But then I think about all the people who have made it. Did their problems seem any less insurmountable? When they thought about all it would take to make them succeed, did they ever feel terrified and overwhelmed?

Were they their own worst enemies, too?

I know I spend a lot of my time on this blog complaining about the difficulties. So I'm going to try being more positive and upbeat on here again. I look back at my first posts, and I like what I was writing then. I was full of hope and determination and every word shone with that emotion behind it. Lately, my feelings of inadequacies have come out to play, and my writing has reflected that.

No more.

Complaining, while inevitable, is not what I want to waste my time on. I'm going to get this train back on track, even if it feels impossible. And I'm going to be more positive again. I like that version of me.

But I can't succeed if I'm fighting myself the whole way. I'm going to have to do more research and figure out a way to deal with the physical and mental problems I have. Because they aren't just going to go away and let me succeed. They are here to stay and I'm going to have to cope with them if I want to make this work.

I really want to make this work.

So, So Tired

My store is doing inventory this Tuesday. And everything is just one giant mess. There is no possible way we can get everything ready for inventory by Tuesday, especially as busy as the store has been lately.

It seems to have come down to a matter of priorities: What has to get done and what should get done, but probably won't.

That's the attitude I feel everywhere I go in the store. It isn't just my departments feeling that way. And when I sat back and evaluated, I realized that this exact attitude has spilled over into my personal life as well.

I'm just so tired! I feel that way all of the time. I need sleep, I need rest, I need comfort food, I need to escape into pleasure novels and television shows. I may still be doing the bare minimum required to keep my goals moving forward, but I feel like I'm losing my grip on it all because of the exhaustion I feel.

So, it's come down to priorities: What in my daily schedule has to get done for me to keep going and what should get done, but probably won't.

I don't like that. But that's the reality of the situation.

When I realized what was happening, I wanted to crack the whip and get myself back on track immediately. But that only lead to more feelings of failure and ineptitude. So, I've decided on a new approach.

I'm going to allow myself a bit of a break. I'm going to do the bare minimum until Tuesday, and then I'm getting myself back on track.

I know I can do it, if I can just beat this exhaustion! I'm having a lupus flare, and this inventory madness is only making me feel more frazzled and weak. I genuinely do need all the rest I can get.

I hope all of you out there aren't ashamed of me. But I want to stay on track with my goals, and I believe that accepting (and learning) from failures is one of the key ways to do that. I haven't quit just because I'm tired, but I am going to lower my expectations until I have more room to address the problem.

This time, I won't quit until I'm done.

Is Anybody Out There?

I feel very alone today. Partially my own fault, of course. Thoughts of that boy I fell for came up yesterday and I couldn't resist looking him up on facebook last night.

And, of course, I looked straight into the pictures of him with his new girlfriend, happy and living his dream.

On the one hand, I'm so glad he's happy. On the other, I hate that he couldn't be happy with me. Is there something wrong with me that I can't find that special someone?

And then I logged onto my new fictionpress account to see if anyone had read the 2 poems I posted yesterday. Only 1 of them had a review. It was a good review, but still. It felt as though my goal to become a better writer and get people to read my work was utterly unattainable.

Plus, no one commented on my blog recently. Mark usually does so, and I have to say, he's probably the only reason I've been able to keep a lot of this going. I need help from other people to stay strong, whether I like it or not.

I even put myself out yesterday and visited a whole bunch of other sites. I commented, I followed, and I spent time working on this whole blog follower thing.

Still no follows or comments. :( My picture looks so lonely and sad sitting on that list all by itself.

I apologize if I sound all whiny. But I feel like whining a little today. My ego took a real beating over the last 2 days, and now I just want to go to sleep and forget all about this life change thing. My life held less disappointment in it when I wasn't trying all new things all the time.

Of course, it also held far less success.

And I know that. Logically speaking, anyway. But my emotional brain is urging me to call it quits right now, because it doesn't like this pain I'm feeling. It sucks when 2 parts of your own mind are fighting against each other. And it's exhausting.

Well, I'm not calling it quits. But I am going to go to sleep and see if tomorrow could be a better day than today was. Good night, everybody, and I hope you're feeling far less lonely than I am tonight.

Good Data

So I've had another bad day. One of those days where I simply want to go home and go to bed, and not do any of my work or exercise. One of those days where I seem to fail at every turn.

But I'm not sad this time. I'm not even a little discouraged. Because I learned a few things today.

First, I still have trouble saying no, especially to foods I have always loved that someone else will give me for free...even if it isn't on my diet. Second, that my entire week is defined by my 2 days off work. If I accomplish a lot and feel good about myself on my days off, I'll do better that week because I feel more motivated by my success. If I don't accomplish much of anything at all in those 2 days, I'm going to struggle and fail all week.

It's kind of strange to think that just 2 days can change the outcome of 5 more of them, but there you have it. So, I'm going to have to try extra hard this coming break to make sure I accomplish something.

And that's what you call turning a bad day into good data. Life is an experiment and chances are you won't get things right the first time you try them. So keep trying.

I know I will.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept on my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did NOT keep on my diet.
6. Cooked my lunch and fixed my lunch.
7. Drew today.

Fighting Depression

I'm a very happy person. Or so I've been told. Over and over again, all of my life.

And I am a happy person. When I'm not depressed. But depression has plagued me most of my life. It's a terrible disease that haunts my thoughts. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or trapped, depression seems to reach up and swallow me whole.

It steals my life away. It steals my energy and dreams. It steals my love for myself. It steals my hope and kindness away.

It's a dirty, rotten thief, and I refuse to allow it make itself at home in me any longer.

Of course, I know I'm going to get depressed. I'll probably be depressed tomorrow. But I won't let it beat me. I won't let it stop me. I won't let it steal those things from me anymore. It may break into my life, but that's no reason for me to ask it to pull up a chair and stay for a while.

It shocks people when I tell them I suffer from depression. I seem so nice, so peppy, so full of hope, they say. Most people don't seem to realize that all of that comes with a dark side. If you can feel the good emotions that vividly, if life can ever be that bright, then it goes to reason that the opposite is true. You can feel the bad emotions just as vividly as the good, and life can be inexplicably dark when the brightness fades away.

It's beautiful and it's terrible. So, if there is anyone else out there suffering with their darker side tonight, I want to remind you of something Annie once said: the sun will come out tomorrow. She will be bright and beautiful when she rises. And isn't the dark worth that, when all is said and done?

If you never let it beat you.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made pizza this morning and fixed my lunch and snack for work.

Failure Is Not An Option

It's awfully ironic that I'm forced to write this post after yesterday's. It would be hilarious if it wasn't happening to me.

My mom had to go to the hospital today. I spent over 7 hours there and that isn't including the doctor's visit before hand, the stop at the restaurant with my mom, or getting ready to go. All-in-all, it has been an extraordinarily unproductive day, and an exhausting one to boot. I'm about to go to sleep after one giant day of fail.

And my poor mom. She's got to be miserable. I would be, if I'd been to the hospital as many times as she has been. To be sticked, prodded, and examined repeatedly sounds (and looks) like hell. Talk about an annoying, unproductive day.

To be honest, I don't feel like I wasted my day. My mom needed to go to the hospital and find out if there is anything wrong with her heart. I needed to be there with her and make sure everything went okay.

I'm not ashamed of that.

But I refuse to let a day of not reaching my goals lead to more days like this. So thinking on this day as good data for future planning is useful. Of course, I have to face the fact that days of failure will come regardless of how much or well I plan.

It's a life of failure that is unacceptable.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Didn't do my routine at all.
2. Wrote in my journal and kept on budget. Did not write a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did not stay on my diet.
6. Didn't cook anything.

Big Dreams

I've felt pretty crappy the last couple of days. I'm still hanging in there, but the going is tough. But these little sessions of remembering why I'm doing this, why I'm here, help me through it all.

I have big dreams. Big plans. And I refuse to give up until I've realized them.

That's the reason I'm here and that's the reason I'm going to keep going. Just one foot in front of the other. That's all it takes.

Here we go...

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on my budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did not stay on my diet.
6. Cooked fish and pancakes today, and fixed my lunch, breakfast and dinner.

There's Just Something About Nothing Days

Never quit. That's what I keep telling myself. But on days like today, I really, really want to.

It's not that it's been a particularly bad day. I just don't feel like doing anything. It's what I normally would call a 'nothing' day, because it's a day where nothing gets accomplished. I've long had days like that, because my health (both mental and physical) isn't the best. But I'm determined that I no longer will have nothing days.

But those are the days where it's the hardest.

Those are the days when I want to do the parts that are easiest. Those are the days when I don't want to get out of bed. Those are the days when I constantly ask myself, "Isn't this enough? Do I really have to do anymore?"

Which is a valid question, really. After all, I don't call them nothing days for nothing. Days like today are days where literally nothing gets accomplished. I watch tv, read books for pleasure (not research), and imagine. I don't work. I don't do anything that even reminds me of work. So, when I force myself to do a little bit on the days I don't want to do anything, I can see why I ask myself this question. Something is better than nothing, and we've done that. Let's quit now.

Only that isn't who I am anymore.

Still, these are the hardest days to get through. If anyone out there has ever felt this way, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish the need for a nothing day on anyone. It has been the largest reason why I've failed at so much in my life.

But I won't let it do that to me anymore. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm going to go somewhere in my life. And nothing days actually do something quite awful: they hold me back from that.

No more. I cannot have nothing days if I want to be something. It's that simple.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and put away some laundry.
5. Stuck to my diet.
6. Fixed my lunch and dinner.

Had A Bad Day

I don't really feel like posting tonight, but I don't believe in letting anything, not even a really bad day, hold me back from reaching for my goals anymore.

But I have had a terrible day.

It started with a really bad fight with my mom. I almost had to move out, it got so bad. But I'm still here, and I don't think I'll be going anywhere anytime soon.

I think that was the main cause of the bad day, though. The rest was just having a LOT to do at work today, too many people everywhere I looked, the library was closed an hour before I got there, and the fair in town is closed after I get off work each night and closed on both of my days off for the next 2 weeks.

It just seemed to be one thing after another for me. And now I'm just exhausted, both mentally and physically. I want to go to sleep and wake up to a new day, one with a thousand possibilities.

In case the universe was wondering, I'd like one of those possibilities to be me winning $10,000. Thanks. :D

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today. Jogging day #3.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept on budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Broke my diet and ate some chocolate.
6. Cooked some chicken for the entire week and fixed my lunch up.

Immediate Gratification

I believe that one of the few things that separates humanity from so-called lesser species such as dogs and chickens is our ability to connect the immediate surroundings into a much bigger picture. We understand that our actions in this moment have both rewards and consequences, and the outcome is dependent on us. We see how the past, present, and future come together to represent the world. We understand how seemingly small actions of an individual can impact the entire species and planet as a whole.

We can see the forest for the trees, as it were.

When you think about this gift, it's truly amazing. We have the ability to connect every single action of our lives into a map, cataloging what makes us do the things we do. We can catalog our DNA and show why our genetics make us do what we do. We can study history and see how that has lead to the incredible advancements we have today.

And we have incredible resources to expand this ability with! Go to the library, use a search engine, or surf the internet on sites like tumblr, and you can learn virtually anything you've ever wanted to know.

This ability we have is truly amazing. WE'RE amazing.

Except we never use it when it matters most.

Think about it. When you go to the store and see that chocolate cake you love so much. Do you stop and think about the potential health problems eating that cake could cause? Do you stop and question the cost of that cake and how it will impact your budget? Or do you think about how good it will taste and reach for the cake?

And what about that room you know you should get up and organize? Or that exercise you promised yourself you were going to do to improve your chances of survival? What about the meditation, the yoga, or the millions of hobbies you promised this time you were going to make stick?

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I'm saying this to get you thinking. Humanity is an amazing species. We have abilities that haven't been recorded in any other species that has been observed. And yet, when it comes to so many of our life choices, we are just like animals, reacting on instinct and what feels good right now, regardless of the possible negative impacts it could have on our lives later.

What's worse, unlike the animals, we actually know better. We can see the big picture. We can understand how eating that cake, not exercising, or doing one of a billion of other illogical choices we make each day impact our future and the possible future of our species and planet. And we do it anyway.

Why? Because it feels good. Smoking, rain forest degradation, the damage to the ozone, political problems, and every other sin you could possibly name throughout human history can all be sourced back to the same problem:

Humanities inability to deny themselves immediate gratification (what feels good right now) in order to reap the rewards of the overall good.

When I use the word good in this case, I mean what connects to the world, the human species, and to your own life in the least negative and most positive way possible. Does it have more benefits than consequences? Will it be worth the cost?

So, next time you're making a decision about something, even something relatively small in your life, I encourage you to stop a second and ask yourself two questions first. Am I wanting to do this because it will make me feel good for a short period of time or because it will benefit my life long-term? Does this have any possible consequences that could hurt myself or the human species as a whole in some way?

Those questions push you to look at the big picture, access that amazing human ability to see how it all connects, and make a conscious decision of what is REALLY best for you. You might be a little amazed in how much it changes your thinking.

It's the only thing I think is keeping me going in this lifestyle change.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercise, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Tested some of the dietary changes I'm planning to make.

No Turning Back Now

 So I was reading books on diet and budgeting (really good ones!) and it suddenly hit me. There is no turning back from this change now.

I know it probably sounds weird, but it's like I reached the point of no return people talk about so much in the movies. Where the helicopter or plane's engine has used over half of their tank of gas. They can't turn back because they could never make it back without running out of gas and crashing to the ground.

That's how I feel.

Because I know now. I know that spending all your money to the point where you live from paycheck to paycheck is stupid. I know that not budgeting your money and planning where it goes means that you will have no control over your spending habits. I know that using credit cards is financial suicide. I know that diet and exercise truly lead to better health. I know that I will develop heart disease, diabetes, and strokes if I don't change my diet. I know that my health problems in life are a consequence of my unhealthy eating choices.

I know what healthy eating choices are and how to implement them. I know how to exercise and how easy it is to fit it in if you really want to. I know that a little discomfort can make you feel better than comfort ever could. I know that energy isn't a magic wish that just appears, and my choices in diet and exercise determine how much energy I have each day. I know that my mental health is dangerously low and my self-esteem is almost nonexistent. I know that those two factors are leading causes to failure in life.

I know that if I don't pursue my passion, it will never happen for me.

And that knowledge comes with a price. Now that I know, I can never go back to blissful ignorance. I can never ignore the impact of what I do and what I don't do. I cannot unsee the connections between my actions and my life. I can't take this life change back and fall back into what was because it was never what I thought it was. I was ignorant then. But I'm not anymore.

And that changes everything.

It's scary to realize that you can't fall back on your old pattern of behavior if this new pattern doesn't work. It's scary to realize how wrong you were before. It's scary to realize how wrong you probably still are.

But there is no turning back. And while that may be terrifying, it's also kind of wonderful. Because that means I'm succeeding. I'm changing my life, permanently.

I'm making this happen. And that's amazing.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today. Jogging day #2.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog today.
4. Made my bed, did some laundry, did a load of dishes, and cleaned the microwave.

Poisonous Fear

My mother was telling me today of how she has tried and failed to do what I'm doing now when she was my age. And she isn't the only one. My coworkers have been telling me how they've tried to reach their own goals as I am but have found that "something" always gets in the way and stops them.

I've decided that "something" is really only one thing: you.

You are your own worst enemy. You are the only thing standing between you and your dreams. You are the only obstacle in your path to greatness.

Because of things like fear and doubt, you give up when things get difficult, believing those ugly, little thoughts in the back of your mind. "You're not good enough." "You can't do this; you're fooling yourself." "You're going to look like an idiot." "You deserve the mediocre life you live."

I know. Because I am having those same thoughts.

I'm so afraid I'm going to fail. That I'm going to be stuck in this life I don't want to stay in. Sure, it's a good place to be for my temporary goals, but long-term? No way!

I'm afraid I can't get out. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid I'm going to look like an idiot. I'm afraid I'm going to be like my mom and my coworkers, advising some future dreamer that "something" is going to come between them and greatness.

If I let it, these doubts and fears will hold me back. They'll stop me from reaching my goals. From flying with my dreams.

I refuse to let it.

I will do this. I am good enough. I deserve to live my dreams. And I'm not an idiot.

And do you know why? Because when all is said and done, I'm more afraid of what I'll become if I don't do this than what might happen if I do. Success might not be certain in this life change of mine, but failure is sure if I don't even try to make it.

Fear can poison you or it can drive you to even greater heights. Regardless, you will be afraid. What you do with that fear all depends on you.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, and meditated twice today. Only worked on writing tonight, however.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog today.
4. Picked up in my room, made my bed, vacuumed living room, den, bedroom, hallway, and bathroom, cleaned bathroom sink, toilet, and mirror, and worked on laundry. 

Sick, Sick Girl

I feel AWFUL. Like someone is stabbing me in the throat over and over and over again.

I don't feel like writing. The knife in my throat is a little too distracting. So I'm going to keep this blog post short. But suffice it to say it's hard to make your goals happen when you feel like your body is killing you. I believe, however, that if you keep your determination alive and see this as a challenge rather than a roadblock, you can do anything.

Hopefully, I can take my own advice.

Daily Stats:

 

1. No exercise or stretching today. But I did meditate and work on my writing today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. No cleaning today.

The Weak Points

Some of you out there may have noticed something about every single one of my blog posts: I finish them with a listing of my daily stats of what I did to reach my goals that day. This is a way for me to stay accountable for my actions. No, I don't lie on those stats to impress anyone; that would be missing the whole point. This is my personal improvement exercise. To lie would only be cheating myself of any improvement I could reap from it.

If you have been reading, you might have noticed that I have a few consistent weak points. There are two of the four goals that I find the most difficult to implement in my life. And neither of them have come as a shock to me.

Budgeting and cleaning are not things I enjoy. I doubt many of you reading this enjoy them, either. But I'm trying to face them, head on, to improve my life.

I'm still quite weak at those goals, though. I don't always stay on budget, I don't plan my budget as in-depth as I really should, I don't clean as much as I need to, and I don't make major cleaning projects the priority on my days off work as I planned. These are my weak points. These are the areas of my change plan that need the most work.

Studies have shown that people who spend most of their time in practice working on their weak points, show more improvement overall than those who spend a more balanced time dedicated to everything. Why? Because focus really does make a difference. All those multi-tasking benefits we've heard of? All lies.

 My main focus of late has been on budgeting. Mostly because I believe if I can rein in my spending habits, I can eventually afford some of the more expensive goals I have planned for later. After I get that under some control, I'm going to tackle my cleaning and organizational habits.

So, if anyone out there is wondering why I'm not moving on to goals 5 and 6 yet, this is why. Until I've improved in the budgeting and cleaning spheres, adding new goals will be left on hold. That's just common sense.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing this morning. Too sick to exercise and stretch tonight (strep), so I only meditated and worked on my writing.
2. Wrote in journal, planned budget for my next 2 weeks, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Absolutely no cleaning done.

Better Than Enough

I never realized how much I hated myself until today.

I've been told over and over again throughout my life that I'm a very positive, calm person. I make other people feel good. I'm so upbeat. I have nicknames like sparkles, sunshine, giggles, bubbles, and feathers. People think I'm happy and sweet and fun.

And I am all of those things. For other people. But not for me.

I say and do nice things for others. And yet I tell myself, over and over again, that I'm not good enough. That I'm not motivated, hard working, determined, dominant, or even sweet enough. I beat myself up for every flaw. Worse, I come up with excuses for the things I do wrong just to screen over the feelings of self-hatred they evoke. I tell myself that it's okay that I didn't get up and do my work for the day; I wasn't born with that kind of motivation nor was I trained to do it. It's okay that I didn't stand up for myself when my mother put me down; I can't stop her from thinking what she wants and there's nothing I could say that would change her position anyway. It's okay that I wasted my day off from work watching television; I needed the down time, I was so exhausted.

You get the picture.

But, underneath the excuses, self-hatred eats away at me, crumbling my resolve and abilities even more. I hate myself for not getting up and doing my work, no matter the reason. I hate myself for not standing up to my mother when she's railroading me. I hate myself for sitting in front of a television all day while my writing lays on the table, unfinished.

I just hate myself.

Which is ridiculous! I'm a great person. Not perfect, by any means. But I am a great person. I make other people feel good about themselves, help them find solutions to their problems, not by telling them what they want or need, but by advising them to find what they themselves want or need, and I support people emotionally through difficult times. I'm fun, upbeat, and I make other people feel good.

And if there are some things about myself I don't like, well, that's okay, too. I'm only human. I'll never be perfect. But I can change what I don't like.

But first I have to accept it. It is what it is. I am who I am, both because of what has been done to me and what I have done to myself. There is no real way to change who I am in this moment. But there is a way to change who I will be tomorrow. And that starts right now.

If I don't like something about myself, fine. Change it. But to change it, you have to acknowledge it, accept it, and then refine it.

It seems, however, that my brain hasn't quite gotten the memo. My inner critic constantly undermines my belief in myself. I'll be going through my morning routine and suddenly I hear my own voice whispering in my mind: You're just not good enough. And with just those five little words, my body aches, my muscles tensing together like they took a real blow. My heart breaks, and a rush of overwhelming sadness sweeps through me. Because I believe it. I believe that I'm just not good enough. Not good enough for another person to love, not good enough to reach my goals, not good enough to live a real life.

If someone else said such things to me, I'd blow a gasket. And I'd tell them just what bridge they could go jump off of, for all I'd care. But for my own mind to say such things? How could I be my own worst enemy?

So, on this journey to change, I found another part of me that is going to have to alter for my dream to become a reality. From now on, whenever I think I'm not good enough, I have a ready retort for my inner critic to face:

I'm better than enough.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in journal, stayed on budget, and wrote one poem today.
3. Posted a blog entry.
4. Did a load of dishes and cleaned in bathroom.