A Debt Of Happiness

I've been listening to my friends lately. A lot of them are having a lot of problems in life. What drives me crazy is how they complain about it, do nothing, and just make themselves more miserable in the complaining.

Now, I like to talk. So, I talk about my problems, too. I talk about my good days, I talk about my bad days, and I talk about the incredible days, whether those be incredibly bad or incredibly good. I especially talk about the things that make good stories. I complain, too. Boy, do I complain. But I laugh as I complain, find the humor and then do something. And I ALWAYS stay determined to be happy, regardless of what life throws at me.

I have moments where I can't find a way to make myself be happy, but they never last long. I perk back up, and I fight another day.

You see, a long time ago, I learned something. The world is not going to make me happy. Life is not going to make me happy. People are not going to make me happy. Any happiness I ever find in those things, will be short-lived and inter-spaced with so much pain, I might even forget it ever existed.

But I can make MYSELF happy, no matter what.

In the end, it's each and every one of us' job to ensure our own happiness. The world does not owe us that happiness. Life does not owe us happiness. Other people do not owe us happiness. It's nice if those things see fit to give it to us, but it certainly isn't owed. The only person meant to make you happy, is you.

If you can find an opportunity to be happy in every difficulty, you'll always be happy. And there is always an opportunity. You just have to look.

Healthy Relationships.

Back when I was reading everything I could get my hands on about change, I remember I would cringe every time it got to the part about relationships. Each one said the same thing: You need to surround yourself with people who are supportive of your change and who emulate such an example in their own lives, if you really want to make an effective change in your life.

These are called healthy relationships.

And I encourage such relationships in my daily life. I'm quite good at finding and continuing them. I make friends with people on here and at work who help me stay on track with how I want my life to be like.

Unfortunately, I know that the 2 most influential people in my life DON'T support me. In fact, you could say they do everything in their power to stop me.

These people are known as my parents.

Not because they don't love me. It's not even envy. In part, I think it is a subconscious desire to keep me young and dependent on them for everything. Also, I've had a pretty rough life, and they've been along for that ride. They are terrified that I'm going to get hurt even worse and want to "protect" me from the world.

Getting raped did not help matters. I admit, I need to learn a lesson from what happened in how to handle men and dating in the future. I do not agree with the concept that I should give up on going out with my friends at night because (and here I quote) nothing good can come from being out late at night.

Allow me to insert the fact that I'm 23 years old in here.

I understand my parents' need to protect me. I understand that they want me to stay safe. But I refuse to quit living because someone decided to make me a victim again. I've allowed my fear of living to hold me back from too many things in life, and it's not going to happen again. I can't go back to that sad, little depressed soul who barely left the house. I just can't.

My mom and step-dad have fed into my depression for years. I don't think they are even aware of doing it. But they've kept me wrapped up in them and myself for as long as I can remember, encouraging self-destructive behavior that I now realize should have been stomped out long ago.

I can't let that continue. Even though it has harmed my relationship with my parents, I want to be a better person and I determined at the start of this that I would do whatever I had to to place my relationship with them on a more healthy footing. For all our sakes.

The current situation has set me back quite a bit, however. I don't know how I'm going to set my family life back on track, but I'm going to take a guess and say it will be a rough ride.

Here's hoping I can hold on.

Holding On

So I have missed 2 blog posts in a row. I should feel bad, because this is basically me holding onto my life change by my fingernails. But I'm still holding onto it by my fingernails!

And that makes me feel pretty damn good.

I mean, I haven't given up. I could use what happened as an excuse to quit, to say it isn't going to work this time and move on, and who would blame me? But I'm not doing that. I want this too bad to give up. I won't let anyone steal this from me.

I can and I will get back up and make it work. I can be strong.

But I'm also going to have to be realistic. I can't go back to a strict regimen and routine and expect myself to just jump into it full-fledged ahead. I don't have it in me right now. And that's okay.

I just need to do something. Anything. I need to get back up and try again. I need to give this a chance to work, because I know it can. And I'm going to need all the help I can get to do that.

I want to thank everyone for their very supportive comments. And when I have a little more socialization in me again, I'm going to go back through and reply to them all. But I want you to know I've read them and truly appreciate your kindness. And that what you've said has meant something to me. I may be holding on by my fingernails, but I'm pretty sure you guys are what those fingernails are holding onto.

I apologize for the scratches.

Going Forward

So, I failed. And today was just as hard as the days before. So what? I'm not doing those days over again, I'm starting a whole new day each and every morning I'm alive.

There's no point in staring at the past. The past is unchanging. We can glimpse back at it every once in a while and enjoy the stories, but we can't get lost in it. Because that's not the direction we're heading. We're going forward.

And forward means progress. Forward means change. Change of scenery, change of direction, change of heart. All of this is what lies ahead, not behind.

I guess I need to keep my eyes glued to the horizon, then. Because tomorrow is a whole new day of opportunity!

Meeting Expectations

I read a blog post today entitled You Can't Be Anything If You Put Your Mind To It today. At first, I hated it. The author tells you, straight up, you have to accept that you can't be the richest, most athletic person in the world. The only thing you can be...is you.

I found it very demoralizing. But I let it percolate in my mind anyway. All because of some advice I gave someone recently.

I told my friend this: You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you can't take their advice, but you do owe yourself a chance at taking it.

So I took my own advice and thought about what this author said. And I think I finally got his point, though I still disagree with how he delivered it.

Being a billionaire, being an Olympic athlete, being on the NFL, none of those things are really about being you. They are external, not internal. Those things are things people strive to attain because other people told them it was something desirable.

You can play football without being on the NFL, and love it. You can do any of the Olympic sports without competing in the Olympics, and love it. You can be financially stable and not be a billionaire, and love it. Those things are attached to a need to show the world that you have MADE IT. That you are accomplished and great and important.

When, if you truly were any of those things, you wouldn't need to show it to the world at all.

And, if I'm being perfectly honest, I have driven myself to succeed and show everyone I'm something incredible my entire life. Not because I need to be a famous writer or need money or things. But because I want to prove all the people who doubted me as a child wrong. I want to show the world I'm worth something, because there have been far too many people who have tried to tell me I'm worth nothing.

I'm also driven by an internal need to write and share my stories. And that internal need has driven me to succeed far more than my need to prove something to the world. By seeking to be myself, I have gone much further than if I'd concentrated on the need to prove others wrong.

Internal motivation works much better than external motivation, in other words. And it turns out the author of that blog post was quite right. I completely disagree with how he states it, but his point is valid. We should not strive to be what other people have told us is right. We should strive to be what we want to be, inside, the person that is the truest form of ourselves.

So, if anyone else out there is striving to meet expectations of others, even indirectly, maybe you should read that blog post, too. You never know, it might open your mind, just as it did mine.

Just Smile

At work, all of the night shift managers treat me like I'm an idiot. I can't figure out why, though. I mean, they haven't spent more than a few minutes with me at a time, never talk to me about anything meaningful, and they know next to nothing about me. But yet they assume I'm an idiot.

Is it the smile? The laugh? The blonde hair? The youth? I just don't get it.

Other people smile and laugh and have blonde hair and are young. They don't treat them like idiots. So what's the problem here?

I know it has to do with my reputation. I'm the girl who is always happy, always friendly, always nice. I'm the good girl everyone likes. I'm silly and loud and spacy.

So few people look beyond that to the keen intelligence beneath. Nor do they realize that the spaced out dreaming is my extreme creativity at work.

But even those who can't see what lies beneath the exterior don't just assume I'm an idiot. So why do the night shift managers??? Did one of them just not like me and spread that dislike like a plague through their ranks?

Grr. The worst part is none of them will just come out and say what they are thinking. Just once, I'd like to explain to a person that a friendly smile doesn't mean you don't understand what suffering is like; it means you decided to be strong enough to smile anyway. Just once, I wish someone would dare to tell me to my face that I don't know what it's like to suffer. That if life had been as hard for me as it has been for them, I wouldn't smile like that.

I know what suffering is. I have suffered more in my short life than most people will ever even imagine. But I also know there are many out there who have (and still do) suffered much worse than I.

But my suffering taught me something very important: Life doesn't make you happy. Other people won't make you happy. YOU are the only one who can make yourself happy. So screw those who made you suffer and be happy anyway.

And screw those who don't understand.

The Sweetest Little Commenter I've Ever Seen

Well, Mark might not even read this, as it is a Thursday, but I decided to do a blog post for him anyway!

Thank you so much, Mark, for all the encouragement, time, and kindness you've shown me. You have no idea how much it has meant to me. Whether I like it or not, I'm an over-sensitive soul (I've been told that comes with the territory of dealing with a creative mind) and I need all of the encouragement I can get.

You've been a great friend to me, and I want you to know that your efforts have been appreciated. Hopefully, you'll be reading this on Friday and realize it. ;)

Thanks again, especially for yesterday's comment. I really needed it. I hope the writing is going well! And good luck!

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, meditated and worked on my writing twice today. Only stretched once.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote my first ever haiku today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and did a load of dishes.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Cooked breakfast and made my lunch.
7. Drew.

True Happiness

I read a poem today by a young woman who sounded very troubled. Her entire poem was a description of her thoughts while staring at herself in the mirror. She describes herself demanding her own image to become thinner, calling it ugly and disgusting, and she ends the poem with the sentence: I know I will never be happy.

And she's right. If nothing changes, she never will be.

Because this young woman is looking for happiness in all the wrong places, she will never attain it. Because she sees that her own self-worth is inexplicably connected to her appearance and not her personality or love, she will never discover what it is to be happy.

And that is a sad, sad thing. No one should face a life without happiness. That isn't living; that's waiting to die.

I have long believed that happiness was something you could create, if you really wanted to. That it lay inside yourself, and wasn't something external or tangible. That was one of the most important lessons my mother ever taught me.

But the media and marketing professionals say otherwise. They say happiness comes from eating junk, driving nice cars, living in expensive houses, and being beautiful/dating beautiful people. They say you have to live like a millionaire and look like a supermodel to be happy.

And so many people, especially young people, believe these lies. I have a friend I know who hardly eats anything at all. Her doctor told her that if she doesn't start eating more, he'll be calling the police to report her for attempted suicide, her nutrition is so bad.

But she refuses to take his warnings. She tells all of us that she likes the way she is now, and she'll start eating again when she loses 40 more pounds. 40 more pounds! Now, she isn't stick skinny, by the world's standards, but the girl barely has any meat on her bones as it is. If she lost 40 pounds, she'd be nothing but bones!

It isn't the fact that she isn't stick skinny that is this girl's problem. It isn't the fact that she doesn't have tons of money. This girl's problem is that she has tied her sense of self-worth to someone else's ideal. She thinks she isn't good enough as she is; she must lose weight by any means necessary.

She must be beautiful to be happy.

I wish I could explain to the world that this simply isn't true. I wish I could get a message out there that to be happy is to LIVE happy. You think happy thoughts, you do fun things, and you enjoy your life, no matter the problems or flaws. If you believe you're happy, even if you're lying at first, you WILL BE. Losing 40 pounds doesn't make you happy. Getting rid of acne doesn't make you happy. Looking great in a swimsuit doesn't make you happy. Dwelling on the positive, good things in life makes you happy! Treating the negative, bad things as aberrations in a wonderful world makes you happy!

I challenge anyone out there who is reading this: walk up to the most beautiful person you know and ask them if they are happy with their life. Ask them if they are happy with their body/face. Ask them if beauty has brought them pleasure or pain.

If they are honest, nine times out of ten you'll get a no, no, and more pain than pleasure. Because beauty can be just as much a curse as a blessing. Think on any famous, beautiful person in history. Cleopatra didn't live happily ever after with her love; they both killed themselves in a cave while an army hunted for their heads. Marilyn Monroe didn't live happily ever after; she committed suicide. And how many celebrity marriages (between some of the most beautiful people in the world) have you seen end in divorce, scandal, and misery? How many have you seen NOT?

And yet people still don't believe. That someone who is poor and ugly can be a million times happier than a beautiful, rich person is beyond imagining. It goes against the laws of the media, and god forbid we do that.

I know. It's easy to say these things, but far more difficult to convince our emotional brains that it's true. I suffer from thoughts of self-hatred and I watch the same media as the rest. I'm brainwashed, too.

But is that just the way it has to be? Is that the future we condemn our next generation to? Is that what we want the human race to be guided by for the next 100 years?

I'm sorry, but this poem disturbed me greatly. And I believe it should disturb all of us. This is what people think today. This is an affliction that millions suffer from. If something doesn't change, we're looking at a future of miserable human beings who don't even know what it means to LIVE.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, organized my desk, and did some laundry.
5. Stuck to my diet.
6. Made a smoothie for breakfast, cooked lunch, and fixed dinner.
7. Drew.

The Road Once Travelled

What kind of achievements have you accomplished in the past?

I was reading today in This Year I Will... (another great book) that creating a list of achievements that you have succeeded at in the past helps you see what strengths and skills you have to bring to the change you wish to make now. And it sounds pretty smart, so I thought I'd make a small list of my own, and encourage all of you to do the same.

1. I have finished the first draft of my first book in the series.
2. I have finished the outlines of the first 10 books in the series.
3. I have said no to drugs and smoking.
4. I have worked in retail despite my social anxiety.
5. I have performed in 2 plays.
6. I have controlled my anger to an extreme degree my entire life.

All of those accomplishments were done by me. Not someone else. Me. And they took strength, courage, passion, love, and determination. They took self-control, coping mechanisms, adaptation, willingness to see all sides of a story, and positive thinking.

And those are all things I can turn towards my new life change to help make it happen.

What have you done, and what are the skills that it took to accomplish that? Can those skills help you on your current problem?

Hope you find this as interesting as I did!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did NOT stay on my diet today.
6. Cooked breakfast.
7. Drew. 

10 Ways to Meditate

I remember when I first started meditating. It was only a little over 2 months ago, so it isn't hard, but it feels like forever ago. I remember feeling as though I was attempting something foreign and completely unknown.

I told myself it would be easy. I mean, how hard could sitting still and thinking about nothing but breathing be?

Turns out, pretty hard.

In fact, I've never grown to like that particular meditation. But I quickly discovered there are many other meditations out there to try. Here's just a few to peak your interest:

1.) Body scan meditation.

This one is my favorite. I lay still with my eyes closed and simply concentrate on one body part at a time. I repeat phrases like "I am my feet (or whatever body part I'm concentrating on)." and explore the sensations there until I can feel everything there without having to try. Then I move on to the next part it's connected to.

I start at my feet and move my way up until I reach my head. Each part is given special attention and any thoughts that intrude are brushed away and my concentration returns to my immediate concern. At the end, I concentrate on feeling my body in its entirety, and see how it feels to inhabit my own skin in the present moment.

What I love about this meditation is how incredibly relaxing it is. Because you concentrate on each body part without judging, it relaxes automatically without any interference from your mind.

2.) Walking meditation.

You can do this meditation anywhere really. Just get up and walk. Think the word inhale as you inhale, then count how many steps it takes for you to exhale. Repeat this over and over again as you walk.

I was amazed by how helpful this was at work. It's more of a mini-meditation for me, as I use it at my job to break up the stress of the day, but you can use it as a larger meditation if you like long walks in the wilderness or the like. It really helps you deal with hard days.

3.) Observational meditation.

This one is a little harder to do than the others, so you may want to try something else first. But it's relatively simple in theory. You simply count 6 exhales, and then start watching your thoughts. Label each thought with a name. Then make each thought as vivid as possible, picturing the thought as a living thing outside your body. Watch it for a while and then decide if you want to keep this thought or not. If you decide it is doing you harm, picture yourself pushing it away from yourself, building a wall between you and it, or simply deleting it from existence. Whatever imagery works for you, get rid of the thought.

You may have to brush the thought aside multiple times at first. But eventually your control will improve and the push will come easier.

What's incredible about this meditation is how it allows you to control your thoughts much deeper in real life than you ever thought possible. Once your brain has been trained to get rid of thoughts you don't want to have, the means of doing so is surprisingly easy.

4.) Emotional exploration meditation.

This is the same as the previous exercise, except this time you should observe your emotions instead of your thoughts. Whether you believe that each thought provokes an emotion or that each emotion provokes a thought, this exercise will help you control and identify your emotions.

Count 6 exhales before you start. Then go into your thoughts, merely observing. Don't get too caught up in the thoughts, just watch them as they go. Now, go deeper and find your emotions behind the thoughts. Go through and label the emotions you are feeling, one by one. Identify where they come from and explore what each feels like in its entirety, without judgment or fear of reprisal. Don't try to brush emotions aside as you did the thoughts, but do control what thoughts spring from these emotions. Reject any thoughts you don't like, and throw yourself into the emotion as much as you can without actually feeling it.

A great accompaniment to this meditation is to be extra-conscious of your emotions throughout your day. Take time to label thoughts throughout your day with an emotion and take time to have periodic checks to see what you are feeling right then, in that moment.

This is great for those of us who are extra sensitive (like me!). It helps you see how your emotions work and what the process is that you're going through. Controlling your reactions to emotions, and embracing them for what they are, are the first steps to being free from the power they hold over you.

5.) Cleaning meditation.

If you're one of those people who simply doesn't have the time to just sit still and do nothing, then this meditation is for you! Just go about a normal daily chore, but do it with one slight difference: instead of trying to finish the chore quickly to move on, absorb yourself completely with the physicality of it. Feel the washcloth as it washes the dishes. Feel every moment as it happens, dismissing any thoughts of what you have to do later or what happened last night at your friend's party. Just feel the moment right now.

This one is pretty simple and can have as meaningful an effect on your life as though you did carve out the time to meditate each day!

6.) Mantra meditation.

This is the one most of us see in the movies. In this meditation, you sit still and chant a mantra over and over again. It doesn't have to be out loud, but it does need to be simple and meaningful to you. Many people choose the word omm, for it's traditional purposes, but you can repeat any phrase or sound that appeals to you to repeat.

A great part of this meditation is repeating a positive affirmation in it. It's funny how much your brain begins to believe something if you say it enough times. So, you can kill two birds with one stone with this meditation and increase your positive thinking, too!

7.) Compassion meditation.

I've never tried this one myself, as I feel I suffer from too much compassion at the moment, but I feel it will definitely be added to my repertoir at some point in the future. There are several different kinds of compassion meditations, but here's the one I liked the most:

First, you call to mind your own self and say silently “May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I be free.” Next, call to mind someone you love, and say the same, but replace the Is with yous, obviously. Next, call to mind someone who is pissing you off or making you sad, and do it for them. From there, you can extend this meditation out to the entire world (“may all beings everywhere be happy” etc.). This part loses some people. If you’re one of them, then when you’re done with the person who you’re upset with, do someone else you love so you end on a good note.

This meditation is said to give people a more understanding and compassionate outlook on life and the people they deal with each day. It can definitely be a useful exercise when you're angry with one of your loved ones, or just upset in general.

8.) 100 Breaths meditation.

Okay, so this is just the breathing meditation we talked about not having to do, right? Except it isn't. In this meditation, you count each breath (that is, an inhale AND an exhale) until you reach the number 100. It sounds a LOT easier than it is because it's so simple to lose count due to thoughts coming along and distracting you from the numbers.

This is a great exercise if you want to learn how to control your concentration and focus for long periods of time. I hate it, myself, but I think it benefits my mind and so I stretch it with a few applications of it regularly.

9.) Focus meditation.

In this meditation, you sit and focus intently on an object outside of yourself. So, instead of observing your thoughts or feelings, you observe an object. Very popular objects to observe are flames and water.

This is a great meditation to stretch your focus. It keeps you thinking on something monotonous and mundane rather than the constant flow of life we get so used to.

10.) Spiritual meditation.

Meditation doesn't have to be spiritual, but it can be. You can experience it in the form of prayer if you so desire. Just pray as usual and concentrate on your words.


Meditation isn't always easy, but everyone can do it. It just takes practice and determination. And don't worry if your thoughts don't stay where you want them. Most people's don't. Even very experienced meditators suffer from that problem. Just remember that it's better to spend 10 minutes of your time redirecting your thoughts than it is allowing them to do whatever they want when you aren't looking.

Well, that's all the motivational speaking I have in me tonight. Good luck to everyone on learning meditation. I hope it proves as incredible an experience for you as it has been for me!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today, but only exercised tonight.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept to my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made my lunch. 

10 Reasons to Meditate

Are you interested in meditation? I've found it is the most useful technique in dealing with your problems, and even in discovering problems you never even realized you had.

Here's why I think you should try it:

1.) Meditation reduces stress.

Meditation has been shown in scientific studies to reduce our reactions to stress. And who doesn't have a stressful life, nowadays? If you ever feel a little overwhelmed by work, family, and your goals, meditation is a great way to unwind and get back on track.

2.) Meditation is good for your mental health.

I've found that my meditation has helped me explore reaches of my mind I didn't even know existed. By sitting and observing my thoughts, making them as vivid and detailed as possible so I can truly see all sides of them, I've found a lot of the problems I've had in pursuing my dreams were really all in my head.

And simply by dealing with those mental issues, I've been able to grow past them and pursue my dreams.

3.) Meditation can improve your physical health.

Meditation will improve your health by strengthening your immune system, reducing your blood pressure and lowering cholesterol levels.

If you're someone like me, who comes from a family of "sickies", this can be a life-saver. I also have extremely difficult health issues and meditation has been proven to reduce inflammation - a problem I have troubles with in my psoriasis and lupus.

4.) Meditation improves your sleep.

It's been shown that meditation can actually improve your insomnia and help you feel more rested after sleeping. However, in scientific studies, it has also been shown to make you a lighter sleeper, as the mind is more active.

5.) Meditation can slow aging.

Studies into the effects of meditation have shown that the regular practice of meditation can slow the aging process. The biological age of long term meditators is thought to be less than those of people who have never meditated. They think this is caused by the fact that meditation helps to reduce the body’s production of free radicals. Free radicals are organic molecules that are responsible for aging, tissue damage, and possibly some diseases.

Do you want to stay younger for a longer period of time? Then meditation is for you!


6.) Meditation promotes positive thinking.

You may think this is just an extension of good mental health, but I think this deserves a number all its own. Because how many negative thoughts have you had today? A hundred? A thousand? More? Did you get angry at someone in traffic? Frustrated with a coworker? Complain about your job (again)? Upset with your spouse or child? Now, track how many negative thoughts you had over the course of these emotions...

If you're anything like most people, you've had a lot of negative thoughts. Some of them are so bad, you'd never voice them aloud even if absolutely enraged. But meditation can help you control your thoughts much better, and thus promote positive thoughts over these negative voices we see so much of every day.


7.)  Meditation improves concentration.

You're sitting in absolute quiet. You are focusing on one piece of your body or mind and everything else ceases to exist. If your mind wanders, you gently guide it back to the matter at hand without judgment or anger.

This is the very definition of the term 'concentration'. If you have trouble concentrating (and who doesn't in our modern world), then meditation may be the solution for you. And we all know that I prescribe to the belief that focus is one of the key factors to a successful life.

8.) Meditation makes you less bothered by the little things.

Remember yesterday's post? Well, meditation encourages you to look at the big picture more, without becoming overly concerned with the small details. Messing up and eating a small piece of cake on a rare occasion doesn't hurt your overall health -- consistent choices are what influences your health. So, if you are eating that cake every day, chances are you're hurting the overall picture. But an occasional slip-up?

That barely affects the big picture and meditation helps you see that. Connections begin to make more and more sense in your mind. And as I believe the ability to see the big picture and how it all connects is the greatest gift mankind has, I think it's well-worth encouraging!

9.) Meditation can improve your ability to connect with other people.

While meditation can seem like the ultimate form of self-absorption, at least one kind of meditation can improve your compassion (and thus your connection) with other people. It's known as loving-kindness meditation.

And who doesn't need a good boost to their social life?

10.) Meditation helps you feel more grounded.

Meditation brings you into the moment of now. It's a very different feeling, especially if you're like me and constantly dreaming of a possible future. Bringing you more into this moment right here is an excellent way to help you get more done, as you can't act in any other moment but right now.


I encourage everyone to meditate for at least 10 minutes every day. It's a great way to get your life and mind under control, and to learn more about yourself than you ever realized was available to know. If you're interested, check out Headspace or Calm.com. They can get you started towards a more relaxing and fulfilling life.

That's what they've done for me!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and did a load of dishes.
5. Started my diet change and bought groceries for my next week.
6. Didn't cook anything yet (got home from work with my groceries at midnight).

To Change or Not To Change

I'm so sorry for the poor quality of the video, but I can't afford a camera, and for my many mistakes. I hope I get better as I do this more.

Oh, and please excuse my general dishabille. It's been a long day.

For those of you who do NOT wish to watch the video, here's a quick overview of it:

This blog post is to address the fact that there are some things in life we should change about ourselves, i.e. the things we don't like, and then there are things we shouldn't change at all. And since I've spent so many of my blog posts discussing what I don't like about myself, I thought it'd be a nice change of pace to list the positive things I find in myself.

And today was a great example of that.

I went out with a friend today. She recently was injured at work, her head being smashed between two objects. Because of that, she lost her memory. That's right, I know someone with amnesia.

In a single swoop, this girl lost everything she had ever known. The very idea sends a chill down my spine. I can only imagine how much she's suffering right now.

When someone at work was bad-mouthing my friend the other day, I surprised myself by speaking up for her despite the fact that it meant confronting someone. I don't do confrontation, but in the case of defending my friend, I did it, anyway.

And that surprised me.

But not as much as my actions today surprised me. When a car was coming toward my friend while we were crossing the street today, I instinctively stepped in front of the car, blocking her from harm. And I angrily stared down the driver of the vehicle, daring them to try to get through me to hurt her.

Life had hurt this girl enough as it was. Enough was enough. If someone had to be hurt in that moment, it was going to be me. She was not going to have to suffer something else on top of all she's already going through.

That amazed me. I never thought of myself as the type of person who stands up for justice or righteousness. But I did it. Right then. When the moment came, I did it.

And I'm awe-struck by that fact.

Do you, too, have something about yourself that you actually like and find positive? If so, list it in the comments below and tell us all about it.

Two Announcements:

1.) I will be integrating my diet change and cooking healthier alternatives into my schedule beginning Thursday, April 11th.
2.) I will begin jogging 3 days a week from now on, eventually moving myself to a 5 days a week regimen.

Thank you so much for listening if you did, and for taking the time to read this, even if you didn't listen. Have a good one and don't forget to get out there and do something!

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today. Jogging day #1.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog. Video blog post of week DONE.
4. Made my bed and cleaned my car out.

The Side Effect

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching during my meditation time lately, and have discovered quite a few interesting things about myself. Not the least of which is that I have a lot of negative, self-hating thoughts that I don't allow to become conscious words in my mind, but they still impact me and my sense of self-worth every day.

But another interesting conclusion came to me the other day. Since I've begun meditating, I find that I'm less and less concerned with whether other people think I'm good enough, and more and more concerned with whether or not I think I'm good enough.

And that is a huge deal for me.

I have suffered from poor boundaries all my life. Other people's opinions and feelings have always seemed to matter more than my own. But now, I find my own thoughts are gaining in power inside my own mind, becoming more important than the thoughts of others.

In other words, I'm becoming more self-confident. Which is INCREDIBLE!!!

This side effect of meditation alone makes all the time I spend doing it worth while. To be honest, I think this is benefiting me more than therapy ever did! I feel fantastic almost all the time. I feel more peaceful, more in control over my own body and mind, and more aware of the world around me. It's truly opened up my life to me.

If it worked for me, I don't see why it wouldn't work for you. I recommend that you skip the C, and sign up for meditation today. The side effects are worth it!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2.  Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed. 

Better Than Enough

I never realized how much I hated myself until today.

I've been told over and over again throughout my life that I'm a very positive, calm person. I make other people feel good. I'm so upbeat. I have nicknames like sparkles, sunshine, giggles, bubbles, and feathers. People think I'm happy and sweet and fun.

And I am all of those things. For other people. But not for me.

I say and do nice things for others. And yet I tell myself, over and over again, that I'm not good enough. That I'm not motivated, hard working, determined, dominant, or even sweet enough. I beat myself up for every flaw. Worse, I come up with excuses for the things I do wrong just to screen over the feelings of self-hatred they evoke. I tell myself that it's okay that I didn't get up and do my work for the day; I wasn't born with that kind of motivation nor was I trained to do it. It's okay that I didn't stand up for myself when my mother put me down; I can't stop her from thinking what she wants and there's nothing I could say that would change her position anyway. It's okay that I wasted my day off from work watching television; I needed the down time, I was so exhausted.

You get the picture.

But, underneath the excuses, self-hatred eats away at me, crumbling my resolve and abilities even more. I hate myself for not getting up and doing my work, no matter the reason. I hate myself for not standing up to my mother when she's railroading me. I hate myself for sitting in front of a television all day while my writing lays on the table, unfinished.

I just hate myself.

Which is ridiculous! I'm a great person. Not perfect, by any means. But I am a great person. I make other people feel good about themselves, help them find solutions to their problems, not by telling them what they want or need, but by advising them to find what they themselves want or need, and I support people emotionally through difficult times. I'm fun, upbeat, and I make other people feel good.

And if there are some things about myself I don't like, well, that's okay, too. I'm only human. I'll never be perfect. But I can change what I don't like.

But first I have to accept it. It is what it is. I am who I am, both because of what has been done to me and what I have done to myself. There is no real way to change who I am in this moment. But there is a way to change who I will be tomorrow. And that starts right now.

If I don't like something about myself, fine. Change it. But to change it, you have to acknowledge it, accept it, and then refine it.

It seems, however, that my brain hasn't quite gotten the memo. My inner critic constantly undermines my belief in myself. I'll be going through my morning routine and suddenly I hear my own voice whispering in my mind: You're just not good enough. And with just those five little words, my body aches, my muscles tensing together like they took a real blow. My heart breaks, and a rush of overwhelming sadness sweeps through me. Because I believe it. I believe that I'm just not good enough. Not good enough for another person to love, not good enough to reach my goals, not good enough to live a real life.

If someone else said such things to me, I'd blow a gasket. And I'd tell them just what bridge they could go jump off of, for all I'd care. But for my own mind to say such things? How could I be my own worst enemy?

So, on this journey to change, I found another part of me that is going to have to alter for my dream to become a reality. From now on, whenever I think I'm not good enough, I have a ready retort for my inner critic to face:

I'm better than enough.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in journal, stayed on budget, and wrote one poem today.
3. Posted a blog entry.
4. Did a load of dishes and cleaned in bathroom.