Criticize Me Some More!

Not everyone has to work hard for what they have. Just those that really deserve it.

At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself lately. I'm feeling less than motivated this season, seeing as I've been pretty sick and had lots of personal troubles to trip me up. But that's life, right?

I'm still deciding most of my new plan for changing things. It seems I'm in excess of things I want to change, but not in the time it takes to change them. Hmm. Sacrifices are going to have to be made. Life will have to change.

Have I ever expected it to come easily? Did I ever expect making myself into something great to come naturally, without effort or work?

In that vein, I'd like to ask you, dear readers, for your opinions. Please tell me of any and all flaws you see in my writing. And hold nothing back! I welcome your criticism. I won't lie and say it won't sting, but it's for a good cause: my own self-improvement.

So, please, criticize away!

Life Is Like A Camera

Life changes are hard. I expected that. I even expected a set-back or two. But somehow the reality has surpassed my expectations.

It has been even harder than I thought it would be. I have seen far more set-backs than I ever could have expected. But I also have seen more success and happiness than my little heart could have asked for.

The fact that I have dedicated myself to changing into a person I can be proud of is amazing. And today I took stock of what that change has done to my life.

I haven't won any awards for suddenly becoming an incredible, popular author. I haven't become a sensational artist overnight. I haven't reached enlightenment or physical perfection. Nor have I become as healthy or organized as I dreamed. But I've become so much more than I thought possible. I've learned how to keep a schedule. I've learned to love myself. I've learned how to deal with mistakes and failures. And I've become a more confident, more mentally healthy person because of it.

I think that's a success worth more than the rewards I started this journey for.

It amazes me to think that three months ago I sat down and decided to just change my life. I decided to take what my life had always been and had accepted as immutable, and turn everything I knew upside down and inside out. Where did such bravery come from?

Two months ago today, I started this blog in an effort to keep myself accountable for my life change. I wanted to talk to people about what I was doing and have them keep me accountable for keeping to my schedule. And I wanted to inspire people to change into the person they've dreamed of becoming, too.

If life is like a camera, then this blog has been my lens. Thanks to the posts I've made here each and every day and the comments they've received, I've been able to evaluate my progress and be encouraged to keep going in the face of what I considered impossible odds. This is why I made it thus far.

And this is why I'll make it to month four. Wonder what the picture will look like then...

My Own Worst Enemy

I've never understood what has held me back from being the person I wanted to be. I did a lot of research at the beginning of this life change and tried to find out what that was and make it work this time. And I discovered so many useful things. I found my way to what I needed.

And now it feels like I'm back where I started from. I don't understand it. It's like my own mind and body turned against me just as I got into the swing of things. And I'm not just talking about the emotional mind that sabotages all humans in their pursuits of doing what's best vs. what feels good. I'm talking about literally turning against me: I have a lupus flare and I can't physically do any of the things I need to. Plus, there's the little fact that I am bipolar (no manias, just depression), and I've been terribly depressed the last week or so. Add that in and you have a double whammy.

I'm weak as a kitten physically, my brain thinks nothing but bad thoughts no matter how many times I redirect it, and I feel exhausted, mentally and physically all of the time.

But I NEED this so badly. I have to make this life change happen. I have to make it work. This is that important to me.

Lately, I've been slipping a lot. I think it's because I lost the ability and time to do a lot of my pre-planning. Pre-planning is one of the most important things I've found in my arsenal of change. If I didn't plan ahead of time what will and won't happen, what I'll work on and what I'll ignore, I fail.

I haven't cleaned my room hardly at all. I've maintained it to a certain degree, but no real cleaning. I haven't cleaned the kitchen. I haven't cleaned out my car again. I haven't done my daily routines. I haven't done a lot of things of late.

And jumping right back in right now feels impossible. I tell myself to get up and do it, but my mind and body fight me the entire way. I end up feeling worse when I try than if I didn't.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too broken to succeed.

But then I think about all the people who have made it. Did their problems seem any less insurmountable? When they thought about all it would take to make them succeed, did they ever feel terrified and overwhelmed?

Were they their own worst enemies, too?

I know I spend a lot of my time on this blog complaining about the difficulties. So I'm going to try being more positive and upbeat on here again. I look back at my first posts, and I like what I was writing then. I was full of hope and determination and every word shone with that emotion behind it. Lately, my feelings of inadequacies have come out to play, and my writing has reflected that.

No more.

Complaining, while inevitable, is not what I want to waste my time on. I'm going to get this train back on track, even if it feels impossible. And I'm going to be more positive again. I like that version of me.

But I can't succeed if I'm fighting myself the whole way. I'm going to have to do more research and figure out a way to deal with the physical and mental problems I have. Because they aren't just going to go away and let me succeed. They are here to stay and I'm going to have to cope with them if I want to make this work.

I really want to make this work.

Meeting Expectations

I read a blog post today entitled You Can't Be Anything If You Put Your Mind To It today. At first, I hated it. The author tells you, straight up, you have to accept that you can't be the richest, most athletic person in the world. The only thing you can be...is you.

I found it very demoralizing. But I let it percolate in my mind anyway. All because of some advice I gave someone recently.

I told my friend this: You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you can't take their advice, but you do owe yourself a chance at taking it.

So I took my own advice and thought about what this author said. And I think I finally got his point, though I still disagree with how he delivered it.

Being a billionaire, being an Olympic athlete, being on the NFL, none of those things are really about being you. They are external, not internal. Those things are things people strive to attain because other people told them it was something desirable.

You can play football without being on the NFL, and love it. You can do any of the Olympic sports without competing in the Olympics, and love it. You can be financially stable and not be a billionaire, and love it. Those things are attached to a need to show the world that you have MADE IT. That you are accomplished and great and important.

When, if you truly were any of those things, you wouldn't need to show it to the world at all.

And, if I'm being perfectly honest, I have driven myself to succeed and show everyone I'm something incredible my entire life. Not because I need to be a famous writer or need money or things. But because I want to prove all the people who doubted me as a child wrong. I want to show the world I'm worth something, because there have been far too many people who have tried to tell me I'm worth nothing.

I'm also driven by an internal need to write and share my stories. And that internal need has driven me to succeed far more than my need to prove something to the world. By seeking to be myself, I have gone much further than if I'd concentrated on the need to prove others wrong.

Internal motivation works much better than external motivation, in other words. And it turns out the author of that blog post was quite right. I completely disagree with how he states it, but his point is valid. We should not strive to be what other people have told us is right. We should strive to be what we want to be, inside, the person that is the truest form of ourselves.

So, if anyone else out there is striving to meet expectations of others, even indirectly, maybe you should read that blog post, too. You never know, it might open your mind, just as it did mine.

The Road Once Travelled

What kind of achievements have you accomplished in the past?

I was reading today in This Year I Will... (another great book) that creating a list of achievements that you have succeeded at in the past helps you see what strengths and skills you have to bring to the change you wish to make now. And it sounds pretty smart, so I thought I'd make a small list of my own, and encourage all of you to do the same.

1. I have finished the first draft of my first book in the series.
2. I have finished the outlines of the first 10 books in the series.
3. I have said no to drugs and smoking.
4. I have worked in retail despite my social anxiety.
5. I have performed in 2 plays.
6. I have controlled my anger to an extreme degree my entire life.

All of those accomplishments were done by me. Not someone else. Me. And they took strength, courage, passion, love, and determination. They took self-control, coping mechanisms, adaptation, willingness to see all sides of a story, and positive thinking.

And those are all things I can turn towards my new life change to help make it happen.

What have you done, and what are the skills that it took to accomplish that? Can those skills help you on your current problem?

Hope you find this as interesting as I did!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did NOT stay on my diet today.
6. Cooked breakfast.
7. Drew. 

Determined To Succeed

I finished reading Talent Is Overrated today. It was truly a great book. And I think I am the richer for having read it.

One point has really stuck with me, though. It was on the last few pages of the book, just about at the end, when the author said that many people who have achieved great things have little to no social life and very few hobbies. The author points out that it takes great determination and need to be willing to forgo relationships and fun to achieve your dreams. He even goes on to question how big something would have to be to make you feel the same way.

And I asked myself that question today. Over and over again, I asked it. I've long held the dream of having it all. I wanted to live my dream life, have my dream career, and have a family. And I wanted to be GREAT at it all.

But I'm not Superwoman. I can't do everything. I'm going to have to make some choices. And it all comes back to what I want more than anything from my life. The answer to that question didn't take but a moment for me to think up.

I want to be a writer.

And not just any writer. I want to be a world-reknowned author. I want to be one of the greatest writers to have ever lived. I want to share my worlds, my characters, my stories with generations of people. I want it so bad that it actually hurts.

If push comes to shove, I'm willing to forgo a social life and hobbies to achieve this dream. This dream is more important to me than pretty much anything else.

And I will succeed. There isn't another option anymore.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet. :D
6. Cooked my lunch and dinner, and fixed the rest.

Does Talent Exist?

Like many people, I've always believed in the existence of talent. Some people are just born gifted. Mozart and Tiger Woods are excellent examples of this.

But today I've been reading a book entitled Talent is Overrated. And it builds a compelling argument against this view of talent. That people like Mozart and Tiger had other things going for them that created their success, not talent.

It doesn't outright say that talent doesn't exist, but you can tell the author generally doesn't believe it does. But they do say it is NOT an indicator of success, even if it does exist.

Personally, I've long subscribed to what I call the garden theory of talent. That people are born with certain gifts and flaws and that this is like the dirt you start a garden with. And if you work that dirt, you can grow a garden in just about anything, regardless if it is or isn't rich soil. But it will never be as good as those who do grow in the very best soil (or with the very best talent).

Of course, those who have rich soil but never get down to work in it, don't have any gardens at all. And talent without work is, as stated above, a tragedy.

But this book just might be changing my view.

What about you? What do you think? Do you believe in talent? Are we all born with innate talent in our genes, giving some the ability to do some things, while others just can't? Or are we more of a product of hard work and what this author calls "deliberate practice"?

Does talent really exist? You decide!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, picked up in my car, cleaned out my closet, did LOTS of laundry, did a load of dishes, and cleaned out the kitchen sink.
5. Stayed on diet.
6. Made all my meals but didn't cook.

Research Your Way To Success

Up until 2 months ago, I always believed it was impossible for me to succeed. I just couldn't see how I could get from where I was to where I wanted to be. It seemed insurmountable.

And then I reached the point where I was sick of giving myself excuses.

My brain ran through my various failures over the years, looking at what I'd tried and failed to do. And I didn't want to do the same old thing, hoping it would work this time. It hadn't worked before and it wouldn't work now. There had to be a better way.

So I googled it.

Sounds so simple, right? Well, it wasn't. I filtered through tons of websites, all claiming to have thousands of ways to fix my motivational problems. Instead of picking through them higgledy-piggledy, I clicked on the ones sourced in psychological studies.

Eureka! I found my answers. They had been at my fingertips all along, yet I didn't have the where-with-all to find them.

And my life change was born. What you see here, on this blog, is an accumulation of weeks of research. I read books, I looked up website after website, and I studied each subject individually. Whatever I had to do to be successful this time, I was going to do it.

And here I am. Maybe not a raging success (yet!) but I've made it further than I've ever made it before. And my instincts tell me this is going to stick. This is a permanent change this time. All because I sat down and researched it.

Is there something you wish to change, too? Well, chances are there is an article or site dedicated to the subject somewhere on the internet. Google it and you may find that research will open the way to success for you, too. If it works for me (and many others who have succeeded at changing), chances are it will work for you.

If you really want it to.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today. Jogging day #1 for the week.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept to my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, picked up in my room, did some laundry, and did dishes.
5. Did NOT stay on my diet today.
6. Cooked nothing, but I did fix my breakfast.