I went to a friend's birthday party the other night. And she was with a guy that I have been in love with since I was 15. The friend knew full well I've had feelings for this guy for all these years, yet she loves to rub him in my face, anyway.
I understand why she does it. I've always understood her.
People don't understand why I let her get away with those things. And I won't for long. I'll get sick of it again and cut her off, just as I have in the past. But the reason I put up with her, the reason I let her get away with it is that I understand.
She really does like me. But she also hates me.
As long as other people aren't in the picture, she and I get along fine. But as soon as another person enters the scene, suddenly we're competing to be the best and the center of attention. Only I don't fight. I just smile and be myself, and oh well if that doesn't make the other person see me more than her.
But it does hurt me. Both because she's supposed to be my friend, and because it damages my self-image. I feel for hours and sometimes days afterwards that I'm simply not good enough.
I also see the guy she's now dating for who he really is. He's a very complicated guy, and I have always had the ability to see right through him. Ever since we were kids, I've seen him for what he is. He can charm and fool all the rest of the world, but I always got him. He isn't a smarmy idiot. He isn't a charming, cool person. He isn't nice or friendly.
He's a jerk. He sees the world around him as a giant game of chess, and he's always 6 moves ahead of everyone else. He plays with people's minds and uses words to effect them in ways I've rarely seen anyone able to do. And he's got a strong cruel streak. He likes to hurt people, and he's always been a user. He'll use them up and then move onto the next victim in line.
And I've always refused to be a victim, no matter how I might love him.
He's always been fascinated with me, but also hated me. Because I really see him, while most people don't. They get controlled glimpses, but they don't understand that he only lets them peak in on the parts he knows he can play them into believing won't effect them. I get how he works and that scares him. But it also draws him, because he's never played chess with someone who knows the moves like he does.
Thinking about these two, and how I really see through them into who they really are beneath it all, got me to thinking about character. Characters are a huge part of writing fiction. There is no story if there is no one there to tell it.
Building characters has given me strange insight into how people tick. Because the key to character building (at least in my experience) is backstory. Who are they when the chips are down and the world is going to hell around them? What has happened in their life to shape and mold them into the person they are now? And how will that effect the story I'm telling now?
The same is true in life. If you can look at people, really look without letting emotion blind you, you can see how they tick. You can connect their actions into a much larger framework and see what they have done in the past and what they will do in the future.
It's a very useful skill. It's also a fun game, if you get the hang of it.
Unlike the boy I love, however, I can't just play with people and act like it has no consequences. Seeing how it all fits together has given me deep insight into how my actions effect others, too. What I do to this person will affect their future choices, and I don't want to make them more broken than they already are.
I want to make them better.
I sometimes seem to forget why I'm making this change. And when I realized that today, it made me realize something else as well. I have spent so much of my time both on and off this blog talking about these changes I'm making that I've forgotten to mention the why of it all.
A serious oversight, to be sure.
Why am I doing all of this? Because I'm a writer. It isn't my occupation, it isn't my hobby. It isn't just my passion. It's my life, who and what I am. Writing has defined my entire existence. Not just the act of writing, putting words on the paper, but the act of creating. Creating worlds, characters, stories. I've done that since I was a very small child. And I can't imagine a life without it.
That's why I'm doing all of this work. That's why I'm here. I want to be an incredible author. I want people to read my work for generations. Not because I'm egotistical. I may want to be special (who doesn't?), but I've had this driving need to share my worlds and stories with people since before I understood what money and fame were. I need people to see what I see. I need to give them a glimpse into my mind.
I've struggled to share my world inside my head since I was a kid. And other people never seemed to get it quite to the degree I needed them to. At first, I wrote it off as impossible to communicate, but still I itched to share.
And then I decided to do something about it. I worked on my writing, trying to share once again.
It didn't work out that well.
My work was creative and vivid and incredible. But the writing just wasn't good enough to communicate what I wanted to communicate to other people. Nor had I learned how to create a complete story from the random ideas and worlds that were in my head.
In short, it sucked. But it had potential.
My writing has improved since then. Not enough, still, but I continue to get better all the time. I've learned to piece together stories from the pictures in my head. Stories other people can see and understand almost as well as I can.
It's the writing I need to improve. I'm good with words, but I'm not great. And I need to be great. That's the only way I'll be able to truly communicate my worlds. It's the only method I have to share it all.
And sharing my worlds is my reason for being. I've known it my entire life. That's why I'm doing all of this. Because I have to share my worlds with everyone, or I'll have failed to fulfill my purpose.
If you can't tell yet, I don't like to fail.
Daily Stats:
- Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
- Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
- Posted on my blog.
- Made my bed.
- Stayed on my diet today.
- Fixed my lunch and cooked my breakfast.
So I was watching a show on Netflix (The Finder), and the main character said something that really hit me. He was discussing another character on the show who is a thief and a gypsy, and he says that trying to make her into a rule-abiding citizen will never work. She had both nature and nurture against her already. No one and nothing was going to change that part of her.
But he didn't mean for anyone to give up hope. Instead, he said something very meaningful. Instead of teaching her to follow the rules, you need to teach her the difference between right and wrong.
I've thought on this subject before when I've delved into what I call humanities greatest gift: the ability to see the big picture. And I've condemned our societies' means of teaching their children incessant rules instead of showing them how to see how their actions affect the big picture. Essentially, we aren't teaching our children the difference between right and wrong; we're teaching them to do what they're told.
Not exactly healthy, for them or for our society.
Of course, I'm not recommending we get rid of rules entirely. That would lead to absolute anarchy. But we should teach our children much more than just "Do this." and "Don't do that."
It's kind of like having a disease, and when you get to the hospital, the doctor prescribes a treatment to fix the symptoms you present instead of trying to find the cause. Sure, diarrhea and high fever have to be treated immediately because they can kill you faster than the disease will, but do you just send the patient home after you've treated the symptoms? No, you look for the cause and you administer a treatment for that, too.
The same is true in how we approach humanities' weakness: the inability to deny immediate gratification for the overall good. We teach our children rules and to follow the law, even though we know all the rules have exceptions and the law is flawed. And then we expect them to grow up to be law-abiding adults who know the difference between right and wrong.
Far too many times they don't.
The show went on to say how the main character believes the criminal should be taught the difference between right and wrong: let her see a lot of rights and let her see a lot of wrongs.
And that clicked for me. Because if you see a lot of rights and a lot of wrongs, you're going to start seeing patterns. The brain is designed to pick these up and use the information to protect itself, and this circumstance is no exception. When you see the effects of right and wrong first hand, the long and short term consequences to those actions, your brain picks up the patterns and trains itself to pick them up in your life.
That trains you to see how your actions affect the big picture.
I don't have kids. So, I can't judge those who do. But if and when I do have kids of my own, I hope I remember this lesson. I don't want to teach my children to follow rules; I want to teach my children to see the difference between right and wrong. To see the big picture.
Daily Stats:
- Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
- Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
- Posted on my blog.
- Made my bed, did a load of dishes, and did laundry.
- Stayed on my diet.
- Cooked my dinner and breakfast and fixed my lunch for work.
I believe that one of the few things that separates humanity from so-called lesser species such as dogs and chickens is our ability to connect the immediate surroundings into a much bigger picture. We understand that our actions in this moment have both rewards and consequences, and the outcome is dependent on us. We see how the past, present, and future come together to represent the world. We understand how seemingly small actions of an individual can impact the entire species and planet as a whole.
We can see the forest for the trees, as it were.
When you think about this gift, it's truly amazing. We have the ability to connect every single action of our lives into a map, cataloging what makes us do the things we do. We can catalog our DNA and show why our genetics make us do what we do. We can study history and see how that has lead to the incredible advancements we have today.
And we have incredible resources to expand this ability with! Go to the library, use a search engine, or surf the internet on sites like tumblr, and you can learn virtually anything you've ever wanted to know.
This ability we have is truly amazing. WE'RE amazing.
Except we never use it when it matters most.
Think about it. When you go to the store and see that chocolate cake you love so much. Do you stop and think about the potential health problems eating that cake could cause? Do you stop and question the cost of that cake and how it will impact your budget? Or do you think about how good it will taste and reach for the cake?
And what about that room you know you should get up and organize? Or that exercise you promised yourself you were going to do to improve your chances of survival? What about the meditation, the yoga, or the millions of hobbies you promised this time you were going to make stick?
I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I'm saying this to get you thinking. Humanity is an amazing species. We have abilities that haven't been recorded in any other species that has been observed. And yet, when it comes to so many of our life choices, we are just like animals, reacting on instinct and what feels good right now, regardless of the possible negative impacts it could have on our lives later.
What's worse, unlike the animals, we actually know better. We can see the big picture. We can understand how eating that cake, not exercising, or doing one of a billion of other illogical choices we make each day impact our future and the possible future of our species and planet. And we do it anyway.
Why? Because it feels good. Smoking, rain forest degradation, the damage to the ozone, political problems, and every other sin you could possibly name throughout human history can all be sourced back to the same problem:
Humanities inability to deny themselves immediate gratification (what feels good right now) in order to reap the rewards of the overall good.
When I use the word good in this case, I mean what connects to the world, the human species, and to your own life in the least negative and most positive way possible. Does it have more benefits than consequences? Will it be worth the cost?
So, next time you're making a decision about something, even something relatively small in your life, I encourage you to stop a second and ask yourself two questions first. Am I wanting to do this because it will make me feel good for a short period of time or because it will benefit my life long-term? Does this have any possible consequences that could hurt myself or the human species as a whole in some way?
Those questions push you to look at the big picture, access that amazing human ability to see how it all connects, and make a conscious decision of what is REALLY best for you. You might be a little amazed in how much it changes your thinking.
It's the only thing I think is keeping me going in this lifestyle change.
Daily Stats:
- Exercise, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
- Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
- Posted on my blog.
- Made my bed.
- Tested some of the dietary changes I'm planning to make.
