Motivation

It's hard to tell the difference between motivation and ability sometimes. So often, if I lose all motivation, I say I can't do it. And I can list a whole host of reasons why I can't do it, too.

But the truth is, I can. I just don't really want to.

Which sounds horrible. The truth often does, of course, but there you have it. I don't want to get back on track and do my routine again.

I have a lot of motivation to achieve what I want. Sometimes. But then something happens, and suddenly I don't care. Nothing really matters to me for a while, and I have to drag myself out of the depressing pit where nothing matters, and back to the motivated, want-to-succeed person I really am.

I got my motivation back a short while ago. I started my routine back up. I hadn't quite made it to the blogging stage when the boy who raped me came back to my place of work and asked me if I was pregnant.

And just like that, motivation dropped to nothing.

I hate to admit something like this has such power over me. I hate to think how just a single meeting can change the course of my life completely. I want to believe I have control over my emotions and thus control over my life.

And life likes to remind me otherwise. Frequently.

I've decided to stop trying to force motivation. I need to recognize it when I have it, and jump on my work like no one's business, but I don't think I'll ever be able to completely control my emotions or life. And I do believe I'm going to get this train wreck of a change back on track and start achieving things again. I promise.

Just watch me go.

Sorta Sane

So I disappeared after my nervous breakdown a bit. I know I'm not doing so well, because I can't write. I sit at the computer, pull the book up and just stare at it blankly for a long time. Not because I don't know where to go from here but because it just doesn't feel like the words are in me anymore.

Which is crazy. I know the words are there. I just can't seem to reach them.

But I have some good news. I read some pretty risque books on occasion, and since the rape I haven't been able to. But yesterday I made myself get a really rough one about a woman like me who was recovering from a severe rape who subsequently fell in love and found peace. Strangely, the book was better therapy than just about anything I've done so far.

My coworker and I are also getting along better. I had to go to our boss and report things, but we're dealing now. So that front looks better. 

And boys are still hitting on me and pressuring me to go out with them, which I'm just not ready for.

Beyond the recent trauma, I have a hard time finding men who I click with. I guess I'm a little picky. I need to feel passion with them, need to be able to hold intelligent conversations with them, and they need to be able to call me on my crap sometimes.

Looks are not required. Appreciated, but not required. Money is not required. A nice perk, but again, I don't really care. I just need to FEEL when I'm with them, instead of having that cold logic dominating my personality.

I wish I could write my book again. I feel the words inside me, wanting to be unleashed. It feels like something is in the way right now, though. And I'm not sure if it's my personal problems or a story problem.

Anyway, thought I'd get on here and let you all know that I am coping and dealing with things in my own way. I don't like how depressed I've been lately and I'll soon be dragging my butt back out of it. But right now, I just don't have the energy to.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Right?

I Know I Said I Wouldn't Do This...

I told Mark I wouldn't talk about depression and I would keep things on this blog upbeat from now on. I tried to do that yesterday. I tried to forget and pretend like nothing had ever happened.

But some distractions can't be ignored.

I feel so drained and lifeless. I feel like everything I am has been sucked out of me. I eat like 1 meal a day and my sleep is filled with terrible dreams. What little sleep I can get, anyway.

You see, night before last, I was date raped. I've been raped before, so I knew the drill and I didn't think my mind could handle another violent rape, so I just went along with him in the end. And my cooperation in the whole thing makes it incapable of prosecution, basically. I mean, they can go through the trial, but nothing will come of it.

So my mind is stuck in that night. I can't seem to pull my thoughts or emotions away from it. I just want to forget the whole thing ever happened. I want to pretend it all was just one of my fantasy scenarios.

But it wasn't. It was real. And I don't WANT to forget, not really. Not rationally. I want to remember and learn and get better again. I can and will survive this. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I'm stronger than this, strong enough to deal with what has happened and move on with my life.

That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. But underneath that, I feel like everything is dead inside, like all my drive and ambition to achieve and succeed is just...gone. Everything that mattered feels empty and worthless. My life feels pointless. I feel pointless.

It drives me crazy when logic and emotions don't line up. If I had handled things on a purely logical front that night, none of this would have happened. If I had handled the situation AFTER on a purely logical front, everything would have been better. If I could just deal with the aftermath of the whole situation now with pure logic, I could move on and use it as a fuel to make me stronger.

I don't know if I can do that. Emotions are just so strong. How do you deal with the emotions of a date rape? How do you deal with the feelings of vulnerability it leaves? It had taken me years and years to get to the level I was before. Virtually my whole life. How can I do that again?

I say I'm strong enough, but inside I wonder if that's true.

I guess I'm about to find out.  

My Own Worst Enemy

I've never understood what has held me back from being the person I wanted to be. I did a lot of research at the beginning of this life change and tried to find out what that was and make it work this time. And I discovered so many useful things. I found my way to what I needed.

And now it feels like I'm back where I started from. I don't understand it. It's like my own mind and body turned against me just as I got into the swing of things. And I'm not just talking about the emotional mind that sabotages all humans in their pursuits of doing what's best vs. what feels good. I'm talking about literally turning against me: I have a lupus flare and I can't physically do any of the things I need to. Plus, there's the little fact that I am bipolar (no manias, just depression), and I've been terribly depressed the last week or so. Add that in and you have a double whammy.

I'm weak as a kitten physically, my brain thinks nothing but bad thoughts no matter how many times I redirect it, and I feel exhausted, mentally and physically all of the time.

But I NEED this so badly. I have to make this life change happen. I have to make it work. This is that important to me.

Lately, I've been slipping a lot. I think it's because I lost the ability and time to do a lot of my pre-planning. Pre-planning is one of the most important things I've found in my arsenal of change. If I didn't plan ahead of time what will and won't happen, what I'll work on and what I'll ignore, I fail.

I haven't cleaned my room hardly at all. I've maintained it to a certain degree, but no real cleaning. I haven't cleaned the kitchen. I haven't cleaned out my car again. I haven't done my daily routines. I haven't done a lot of things of late.

And jumping right back in right now feels impossible. I tell myself to get up and do it, but my mind and body fight me the entire way. I end up feeling worse when I try than if I didn't.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too broken to succeed.

But then I think about all the people who have made it. Did their problems seem any less insurmountable? When they thought about all it would take to make them succeed, did they ever feel terrified and overwhelmed?

Were they their own worst enemies, too?

I know I spend a lot of my time on this blog complaining about the difficulties. So I'm going to try being more positive and upbeat on here again. I look back at my first posts, and I like what I was writing then. I was full of hope and determination and every word shone with that emotion behind it. Lately, my feelings of inadequacies have come out to play, and my writing has reflected that.

No more.

Complaining, while inevitable, is not what I want to waste my time on. I'm going to get this train back on track, even if it feels impossible. And I'm going to be more positive again. I like that version of me.

But I can't succeed if I'm fighting myself the whole way. I'm going to have to do more research and figure out a way to deal with the physical and mental problems I have. Because they aren't just going to go away and let me succeed. They are here to stay and I'm going to have to cope with them if I want to make this work.

I really want to make this work.

Is Anybody Out There?

I feel very alone today. Partially my own fault, of course. Thoughts of that boy I fell for came up yesterday and I couldn't resist looking him up on facebook last night.

And, of course, I looked straight into the pictures of him with his new girlfriend, happy and living his dream.

On the one hand, I'm so glad he's happy. On the other, I hate that he couldn't be happy with me. Is there something wrong with me that I can't find that special someone?

And then I logged onto my new fictionpress account to see if anyone had read the 2 poems I posted yesterday. Only 1 of them had a review. It was a good review, but still. It felt as though my goal to become a better writer and get people to read my work was utterly unattainable.

Plus, no one commented on my blog recently. Mark usually does so, and I have to say, he's probably the only reason I've been able to keep a lot of this going. I need help from other people to stay strong, whether I like it or not.

I even put myself out yesterday and visited a whole bunch of other sites. I commented, I followed, and I spent time working on this whole blog follower thing.

Still no follows or comments. :( My picture looks so lonely and sad sitting on that list all by itself.

I apologize if I sound all whiny. But I feel like whining a little today. My ego took a real beating over the last 2 days, and now I just want to go to sleep and forget all about this life change thing. My life held less disappointment in it when I wasn't trying all new things all the time.

Of course, it also held far less success.

And I know that. Logically speaking, anyway. But my emotional brain is urging me to call it quits right now, because it doesn't like this pain I'm feeling. It sucks when 2 parts of your own mind are fighting against each other. And it's exhausting.

Well, I'm not calling it quits. But I am going to go to sleep and see if tomorrow could be a better day than today was. Good night, everybody, and I hope you're feeling far less lonely than I am tonight.

True Happiness

I read a poem today by a young woman who sounded very troubled. Her entire poem was a description of her thoughts while staring at herself in the mirror. She describes herself demanding her own image to become thinner, calling it ugly and disgusting, and she ends the poem with the sentence: I know I will never be happy.

And she's right. If nothing changes, she never will be.

Because this young woman is looking for happiness in all the wrong places, she will never attain it. Because she sees that her own self-worth is inexplicably connected to her appearance and not her personality or love, she will never discover what it is to be happy.

And that is a sad, sad thing. No one should face a life without happiness. That isn't living; that's waiting to die.

I have long believed that happiness was something you could create, if you really wanted to. That it lay inside yourself, and wasn't something external or tangible. That was one of the most important lessons my mother ever taught me.

But the media and marketing professionals say otherwise. They say happiness comes from eating junk, driving nice cars, living in expensive houses, and being beautiful/dating beautiful people. They say you have to live like a millionaire and look like a supermodel to be happy.

And so many people, especially young people, believe these lies. I have a friend I know who hardly eats anything at all. Her doctor told her that if she doesn't start eating more, he'll be calling the police to report her for attempted suicide, her nutrition is so bad.

But she refuses to take his warnings. She tells all of us that she likes the way she is now, and she'll start eating again when she loses 40 more pounds. 40 more pounds! Now, she isn't stick skinny, by the world's standards, but the girl barely has any meat on her bones as it is. If she lost 40 pounds, she'd be nothing but bones!

It isn't the fact that she isn't stick skinny that is this girl's problem. It isn't the fact that she doesn't have tons of money. This girl's problem is that she has tied her sense of self-worth to someone else's ideal. She thinks she isn't good enough as she is; she must lose weight by any means necessary.

She must be beautiful to be happy.

I wish I could explain to the world that this simply isn't true. I wish I could get a message out there that to be happy is to LIVE happy. You think happy thoughts, you do fun things, and you enjoy your life, no matter the problems or flaws. If you believe you're happy, even if you're lying at first, you WILL BE. Losing 40 pounds doesn't make you happy. Getting rid of acne doesn't make you happy. Looking great in a swimsuit doesn't make you happy. Dwelling on the positive, good things in life makes you happy! Treating the negative, bad things as aberrations in a wonderful world makes you happy!

I challenge anyone out there who is reading this: walk up to the most beautiful person you know and ask them if they are happy with their life. Ask them if they are happy with their body/face. Ask them if beauty has brought them pleasure or pain.

If they are honest, nine times out of ten you'll get a no, no, and more pain than pleasure. Because beauty can be just as much a curse as a blessing. Think on any famous, beautiful person in history. Cleopatra didn't live happily ever after with her love; they both killed themselves in a cave while an army hunted for their heads. Marilyn Monroe didn't live happily ever after; she committed suicide. And how many celebrity marriages (between some of the most beautiful people in the world) have you seen end in divorce, scandal, and misery? How many have you seen NOT?

And yet people still don't believe. That someone who is poor and ugly can be a million times happier than a beautiful, rich person is beyond imagining. It goes against the laws of the media, and god forbid we do that.

I know. It's easy to say these things, but far more difficult to convince our emotional brains that it's true. I suffer from thoughts of self-hatred and I watch the same media as the rest. I'm brainwashed, too.

But is that just the way it has to be? Is that the future we condemn our next generation to? Is that what we want the human race to be guided by for the next 100 years?

I'm sorry, but this poem disturbed me greatly. And I believe it should disturb all of us. This is what people think today. This is an affliction that millions suffer from. If something doesn't change, we're looking at a future of miserable human beings who don't even know what it means to LIVE.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, organized my desk, and did some laundry.
5. Stuck to my diet.
6. Made a smoothie for breakfast, cooked lunch, and fixed dinner.
7. Drew.

Fighting Depression

I'm a very happy person. Or so I've been told. Over and over again, all of my life.

And I am a happy person. When I'm not depressed. But depression has plagued me most of my life. It's a terrible disease that haunts my thoughts. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or trapped, depression seems to reach up and swallow me whole.

It steals my life away. It steals my energy and dreams. It steals my love for myself. It steals my hope and kindness away.

It's a dirty, rotten thief, and I refuse to allow it make itself at home in me any longer.

Of course, I know I'm going to get depressed. I'll probably be depressed tomorrow. But I won't let it beat me. I won't let it stop me. I won't let it steal those things from me anymore. It may break into my life, but that's no reason for me to ask it to pull up a chair and stay for a while.

It shocks people when I tell them I suffer from depression. I seem so nice, so peppy, so full of hope, they say. Most people don't seem to realize that all of that comes with a dark side. If you can feel the good emotions that vividly, if life can ever be that bright, then it goes to reason that the opposite is true. You can feel the bad emotions just as vividly as the good, and life can be inexplicably dark when the brightness fades away.

It's beautiful and it's terrible. So, if there is anyone else out there suffering with their darker side tonight, I want to remind you of something Annie once said: the sun will come out tomorrow. She will be bright and beautiful when she rises. And isn't the dark worth that, when all is said and done?

If you never let it beat you.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made pizza this morning and fixed my lunch and snack for work.

Big Dreams

I've felt pretty crappy the last couple of days. I'm still hanging in there, but the going is tough. But these little sessions of remembering why I'm doing this, why I'm here, help me through it all.

I have big dreams. Big plans. And I refuse to give up until I've realized them.

That's the reason I'm here and that's the reason I'm going to keep going. Just one foot in front of the other. That's all it takes.

Here we go...

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on my budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did not stay on my diet.
6. Cooked fish and pancakes today, and fixed my lunch, breakfast and dinner.

There's Just Something About Nothing Days

Never quit. That's what I keep telling myself. But on days like today, I really, really want to.

It's not that it's been a particularly bad day. I just don't feel like doing anything. It's what I normally would call a 'nothing' day, because it's a day where nothing gets accomplished. I've long had days like that, because my health (both mental and physical) isn't the best. But I'm determined that I no longer will have nothing days.

But those are the days where it's the hardest.

Those are the days when I want to do the parts that are easiest. Those are the days when I don't want to get out of bed. Those are the days when I constantly ask myself, "Isn't this enough? Do I really have to do anymore?"

Which is a valid question, really. After all, I don't call them nothing days for nothing. Days like today are days where literally nothing gets accomplished. I watch tv, read books for pleasure (not research), and imagine. I don't work. I don't do anything that even reminds me of work. So, when I force myself to do a little bit on the days I don't want to do anything, I can see why I ask myself this question. Something is better than nothing, and we've done that. Let's quit now.

Only that isn't who I am anymore.

Still, these are the hardest days to get through. If anyone out there has ever felt this way, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish the need for a nothing day on anyone. It has been the largest reason why I've failed at so much in my life.

But I won't let it do that to me anymore. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm going to go somewhere in my life. And nothing days actually do something quite awful: they hold me back from that.

No more. I cannot have nothing days if I want to be something. It's that simple.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and put away some laundry.
5. Stuck to my diet.
6. Fixed my lunch and dinner.

10 Reasons to Exercise

We all know we should exercise. But why should we exercise? Knowing that, and keeping it in mind each day when it's time to sweat through your clothes, makes you that much more likely to do it.

1.) Exercise combats health conditions and diseases.

If there was a pill we could take that could magically reduce our risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, cardiovascular diseases, stroke, metabolic syndrome, depression, certain types of cancers, arthritis, and falls, we'd all take it, right? Well, that pill exists. It just isn't a pill. All it takes is a little exercise each day to prevent major health conditions that could permanently alter your world as you know it.

Isn't that worth a little sweat and burn?

2.) Exercise improves mood.

Exercise sends off all those nice endorphins in the brain, making you feel good. Plus, regular exercise has been shown to improve your self-image and confidence.

Having troubles with self-esteem? Maybe you should just take a walk...every day for a month. See how you feel.

3.) Exercise boosts energy.

This one is a deal-breaker for me. I have struggled with meeting goals and making things happen in my life for years. Exercise has helped me push through on my goals and start making things happen in my life.

It's really no mystery. Regular physical activity delivers oxygen and nutrients to your tissues and helps your cardiovascular system work more efficiently. If your heart and lungs work more efficiently, you're going to have more energy for the other activities in your day.

4.) Exercise promotes better sleep.

As long as you don't exercise too close to sleep, you'll find that you'll fall asleep faster and sleep deeper if you exercise often. And of course, the more deep sleep you get, the more energy you'll have the next day.

Deeper sleep has also been shown to combat health problems. Want better health overall? Exercise is the magic pill!

You just have to take it.

5.) Exercise controls weight.

Well, most of us know that. But have you ever REALLY thought about it? Each day, you ingest copious amounts of fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates, as well as a host of other chemical compounds. And you have to do that, just to survive. But what happens if you do nothing to offset this intake? If you take in more than you work off, you're going to gain weight until you're the size of a whale.

Or just dead.

But regular exercise means that you're subtracting as much (or more) as you're adding in. It's simple math. If you want to change your size, you have to make the numbers work in your favor. Exercise is the only reasonable means you have of subtracting more than you take in. There is no other way (diet is reducing the amount you add; but it doesn't really subtract anything).

6.) Exercise makes you smarter.

Or, at least, it makes you more capable of applying your intelligence. Studies have shown people who exercise are more able to focus, are faster at reacting to problems, have better memories, and better cognitive function in general. 

So, exercise really is a no-brainer.

7.) Exercise reduces stress.

Had a hard day at work? Try a quick run. A little exercise can help you unwind from that confrontation you had with a coworker or the mean customer you faced today.

And everyone knows that stress today is killing us. The more you reduce your stress, the better you're going to feel.

8.) Exercise improves your sex life.

Well, of course. Sex is a physical effort in and of itself. So improving your, erm, performance will improve your sex life. Not to mention, self-esteem and confidence are great at improving anyone's sex life, and we've already mentioned how exercise improves you there!

But there's more to it than that. According to MayoClinic.com, regular exercise leads to enhanced arousal in women. And men who exercise are less likely to have problems like erectile dysfunction. (Check out the article here) 

9.) Exercise keeps your bones strong.

As you get older, osteoporosis is a real danger. You could lose the ability to run, walk, even stand! But with a little exercise each day, you could keep all of that from happening, increasing your chances of independence into your old age.

And how many of us actually want to live in a retirement home if we can help it?

10.) Exercise is actually fun!

It's true! Exercise can be a source of enjoyment in and of itself. And not just for health nuts (no offense). So-called "normal" people can enjoy exercise, too. 

The key is finding an exercise you actually like doing. Swimming, kayaking, skiing, there are a lot of options out there. And anything that gets you moving is worth it. Heck, they even have Wii games that get you going, if you don't want to experience the real thing. Just find something that fits your likes and dislikes, and get going! You might be surprised by how much you like it (I certainly have been).


Does anyone else have any other reasons to exercise? What motivators have you found that work for you?

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Made bed, picked up in my room, and organized my desk.

Better Than Enough

I never realized how much I hated myself until today.

I've been told over and over again throughout my life that I'm a very positive, calm person. I make other people feel good. I'm so upbeat. I have nicknames like sparkles, sunshine, giggles, bubbles, and feathers. People think I'm happy and sweet and fun.

And I am all of those things. For other people. But not for me.

I say and do nice things for others. And yet I tell myself, over and over again, that I'm not good enough. That I'm not motivated, hard working, determined, dominant, or even sweet enough. I beat myself up for every flaw. Worse, I come up with excuses for the things I do wrong just to screen over the feelings of self-hatred they evoke. I tell myself that it's okay that I didn't get up and do my work for the day; I wasn't born with that kind of motivation nor was I trained to do it. It's okay that I didn't stand up for myself when my mother put me down; I can't stop her from thinking what she wants and there's nothing I could say that would change her position anyway. It's okay that I wasted my day off from work watching television; I needed the down time, I was so exhausted.

You get the picture.

But, underneath the excuses, self-hatred eats away at me, crumbling my resolve and abilities even more. I hate myself for not getting up and doing my work, no matter the reason. I hate myself for not standing up to my mother when she's railroading me. I hate myself for sitting in front of a television all day while my writing lays on the table, unfinished.

I just hate myself.

Which is ridiculous! I'm a great person. Not perfect, by any means. But I am a great person. I make other people feel good about themselves, help them find solutions to their problems, not by telling them what they want or need, but by advising them to find what they themselves want or need, and I support people emotionally through difficult times. I'm fun, upbeat, and I make other people feel good.

And if there are some things about myself I don't like, well, that's okay, too. I'm only human. I'll never be perfect. But I can change what I don't like.

But first I have to accept it. It is what it is. I am who I am, both because of what has been done to me and what I have done to myself. There is no real way to change who I am in this moment. But there is a way to change who I will be tomorrow. And that starts right now.

If I don't like something about myself, fine. Change it. But to change it, you have to acknowledge it, accept it, and then refine it.

It seems, however, that my brain hasn't quite gotten the memo. My inner critic constantly undermines my belief in myself. I'll be going through my morning routine and suddenly I hear my own voice whispering in my mind: You're just not good enough. And with just those five little words, my body aches, my muscles tensing together like they took a real blow. My heart breaks, and a rush of overwhelming sadness sweeps through me. Because I believe it. I believe that I'm just not good enough. Not good enough for another person to love, not good enough to reach my goals, not good enough to live a real life.

If someone else said such things to me, I'd blow a gasket. And I'd tell them just what bridge they could go jump off of, for all I'd care. But for my own mind to say such things? How could I be my own worst enemy?

So, on this journey to change, I found another part of me that is going to have to alter for my dream to become a reality. From now on, whenever I think I'm not good enough, I have a ready retort for my inner critic to face:

I'm better than enough.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in journal, stayed on budget, and wrote one poem today.
3. Posted a blog entry.
4. Did a load of dishes and cleaned in bathroom.

My Motivation

I never thought about motivation before I read this quote. It hit me hard. I had always thought how I lacked motivation and drive, because I didn't strive for my goals the way people said I should if I did have those things. Obviously, I was just born lacking them.

But motivation isn't something you're born with. And it isn't something you can just acquire and use to change your life.

It's something you have to make for yourself. And then remake it. And remake it again. Remake it over and over and over again, every day, for the rest of your life. As the quote says, it's like bathing. Without a shower, we'd all start to stink to high heaven. Well, without a daily dose of motivation, we'd all lay around doing nothing of any import. Until we starved to death, that is.

Some motivations are so hard-wired into us, that they DO come naturally. I think that's because if we didn't have motivation to get up and eat, drink, or have sex, we really would just lay down and die.

But if your goals go beyond your basic needs for survival, those hard-wired motivations will do little to help you achieve them. If you want to motivate yourself towards that, you must work out your own motivation and concentrate time and thought on it daily. Place reminders of it throughout your home and especially in areas where you find yourself most tempted to stray from your goals.

I love sticky notes for this. I have them on my door, tv, mirror, and dresser. Pretty much scattered throughout the room. And every time I look at one of those things, I'm reminded about my goals and why I want to achieve them.

Wanna know my motivation? Honestly, I've always WANTED to be a writer. I've dreamed and dreamed about getting published, living a happy, healthy life that made other people who had looked down on me see what I was truly made of, and escaping the life I live now. But I never seemed to be able to change my dream into a reality.

Until I met a boy. I trusted him. I loved him. And he crushed my heart like a tin can. It drove me into one of the deepest, darkest depressions of my life. For one entire month, it seemed all I did was sit in front of the tv and veg out. Or snap at my parents. Or go to work and struggle with dealing with my customers with a smile.

I got madder and madder about all of this. I had long ago determined I would never grow so dependent on another person that I would be lost without them. I could miss them, want them back, and even cry a little. But I could never allow my life to end because of them.

And, for all intents and purposes, I had done just that. I'd let myself become so depressed that my life seemed dark and terrible.

So, I came up with a plan. First, I was angry with the boy. I wanted to prove I was good enough for him or anyone else I wanted. Which lead me to my decision to follow my dreams again and pursue my writing.

But I'd tried that path before, many times, and failed. Over and over and over again, I failed. What would make this time any different?

Well, I couldn't stay where I was. Not without hating myself forever for giving in to the dark feelings and letting that stupid boy have that much power over me. Nuh-uh. Not me. I was going to get out of this depression, pursue my passion, and prove once and for all I had the stuff to be successful.

So, I did some research. Turns out, regular exercise, daily meditation, a healthy diet, and an organized environment were all contributing factors towards successful goal achieving. Everything said to start slow, and while I wanted to follow the advice, my gut said that if I didn't apply all those changes now, I wouldn't stick with my plan long enough for the slow build-up to work.

And that's my motivation, folks. Because I want to be a strong, independent, and successful woman who doesn't give in when depression and bad circumstances hit her. I want to be the me I always dreamed of. I want to be happy, with or without another person to lean on.

I continue on each day, because I found that the journey I planned out towards happiness, has made me happier than I ever thought possible. It dug me out of a bad depression and gave me the will to survive and thrive once again.

That is, after all, the power of motivation.

Daily stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote a journal entry and worked on budget
3. Wrote and posted my blog entry
4. Picked up room and folded and put away laundry.