Criticize Me Some More!

Not everyone has to work hard for what they have. Just those that really deserve it.

At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself lately. I'm feeling less than motivated this season, seeing as I've been pretty sick and had lots of personal troubles to trip me up. But that's life, right?

I'm still deciding most of my new plan for changing things. It seems I'm in excess of things I want to change, but not in the time it takes to change them. Hmm. Sacrifices are going to have to be made. Life will have to change.

Have I ever expected it to come easily? Did I ever expect making myself into something great to come naturally, without effort or work?

In that vein, I'd like to ask you, dear readers, for your opinions. Please tell me of any and all flaws you see in my writing. And hold nothing back! I welcome your criticism. I won't lie and say it won't sting, but it's for a good cause: my own self-improvement.

So, please, criticize away!

A Debt Of Happiness

I've been listening to my friends lately. A lot of them are having a lot of problems in life. What drives me crazy is how they complain about it, do nothing, and just make themselves more miserable in the complaining.

Now, I like to talk. So, I talk about my problems, too. I talk about my good days, I talk about my bad days, and I talk about the incredible days, whether those be incredibly bad or incredibly good. I especially talk about the things that make good stories. I complain, too. Boy, do I complain. But I laugh as I complain, find the humor and then do something. And I ALWAYS stay determined to be happy, regardless of what life throws at me.

I have moments where I can't find a way to make myself be happy, but they never last long. I perk back up, and I fight another day.

You see, a long time ago, I learned something. The world is not going to make me happy. Life is not going to make me happy. People are not going to make me happy. Any happiness I ever find in those things, will be short-lived and inter-spaced with so much pain, I might even forget it ever existed.

But I can make MYSELF happy, no matter what.

In the end, it's each and every one of us' job to ensure our own happiness. The world does not owe us that happiness. Life does not owe us happiness. Other people do not owe us happiness. It's nice if those things see fit to give it to us, but it certainly isn't owed. The only person meant to make you happy, is you.

If you can find an opportunity to be happy in every difficulty, you'll always be happy. And there is always an opportunity. You just have to look.

And Now For The Nervous Breakdown

I felt this nervous breakdown coming. After all that happened in my personal life, and how my family situation has been going, it was inevitable. So when someone at work started disappearing, lying to me, backtalking me when I'm trying to train her, talking bad about me to my coworkers, and not finishing her workload at the end of the day when I'm required to get EVERYTHING DONE at work before I leave, I'm not surprised it happened.

Remember my anger post? Yeah, I was considering using my usual tricks to get rid of this lady before she pushed me over the edge. But I didn't want to be that person, so I decided to just play nice and let each of us go our own way.

And then this weekend happened.

First, it was Friday. I find out she's bad-mouthing me. Wonderful. Like that isn't going to infuriate me. And then my (big) boss comes around and tells me I have to finish an impossible workload before leaving work that night, and to get two FULL 3-high (that means it has three shelves that tower over your head) carts gone through, prepped, and binned in the back.

On a Friday. After having already spent 3 hours on the registers up front. With no one covering my department but me from 5:30-10:00 (I work in Jewelry, where they call you for customers every few minutes).

Yeah. That was fun.

And on Saturday they tell me the same thing AGAIN. Only this time, I don't have any easy things to work through quickly and make disappear. I worked all of that stuff Friday. No, all that's left is the hard junk. I'm working my tail off, again, and work like a crazy person to get this stuff done.

But I did it. Four carts are gone from the bins and they look FANTASTIC.

Now, I didn't do it all alone. My coworker, who is causing the problems, is out on the floor covering jewelry and running freight in shoes while I'm in the back. But she disappears again after her last break (for 45 minutes), and I need her to do a few things in that time.

This makes me kind of mad. But I drop it. I don't want anyone accusing me of "not getting along" with my co-worker.

So I go in today. And I am joyfully greeted with the news that I'm working jewelry today while the new girl works shoe freight.

I'm so excited. Maybe today will go better? After all, I'm not stuck in the bins all day today. Just have to get rid of any shoe freight she works that doesn't go out.

My co-worker has about 4 hours to complete 1 1/2 carts of shoes. I have nothing to do with it, and I only tell her that my other co-worker left a note for her at jewelry. She tells me she knows, but never comes by to see. Doesn't come by jewelry to check in. Isn't in the shoe department 80% of the time I go to check on her.

9:00 swings around. I know it's time for her to be gone. So I go to check on what she has finished. She's left 2 boxes out of freight that she didn't get done, and at first I think, ahh, I can cover that. But then I go to the back. And find that she's left all the picks she was supposed to work and the other cart she was supposed to get still back there.

So those 2 boxes are from the 1/2 a cart she was supposed to work when I arrived in the department at 2:00.

Now, if you have never run freight for shoes, you should know: this is ridiculously easy work. You take out big shoe boxes from the bigger boxes they come in. You take said shoe boxes to their designated display. You hang/set shoe boxes on shelves. And then you get rid of cardboard. Anything that doesn't go out, gets stacked in a pile.

That's it.

1 1/2 carts of freight should have taken an experienced worker 1 1/2 to 2 hours. An inexperienced one would take 3 to MAYBE 4. But not to have finished even half a cart in 4 hours? While I'm covering jewelry? And someone else is picking up the floor?

So I find a whole crap-load of work to do 2 hours before it's time for me to close. And she's just gone. Haven't seen her for an hour. 

I lost it, folks. I had to cart back 1 and a half carts full of crap to the back and load them on the carts I have taken TWO DAYS to empty. TWO DAYS of climbing up and down ladders, scanning box after box, moving stacks of boxes around and over my head into uncomfortable places, hunting printers and making boxes for shoes to be put in, all done in sweltering heat because the back room doesn't air condition very well?

Did I mention our boss is coming back from vacation tomorrow and I'm responsible for making the bins look good? Or that I emptied one half of a 3 high jewelry cart while she did this (jewelry is difficult because you're near a cash register and people want you to check them out and it's a lot of small items packaged like nuclear weapons)? And served a whole bunch of customers who just wanted to check out? And did returns? And cleaned the jewelry department so that my boss doesn't come back to a COMPLETE mess?

Yeah, I know what I'm doing and she's only been here a month. Yeah, I expected to have to cover for her. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to have the heavier work-load because I'm actually experienced.

But what did she do for 4 hours?!? Shoes was a mess every time I came by to check on her. Only at the end did it look a little picked up.

So I rant and raved for a few hours. Cried. Stormed around the building like a crazy person. Complained about said co-worker at length. Left a note for my boss telling on her for what she did. I feel a little guilty for it, too. But only a very little. This whole thing has gotten way out of hand and I can't survive it just by sticking my head in the mud and ignoring it. I might lose my job over this, but if she wants to tell people I'm "just being mean to her", then I guess I'll have to take it. I can't believe people who know me so well would believe I'd actually bully someone like that. I can't even say a mean thing to my rapist. Why in the world would I waste my meanness on some random lady I hardly know???

This won't end pretty. I hope this is the only nervous breakdown I have to endure, but it really sucks that it happened at work. With people watching.

I usually like my nervous breakdowns a little more private than that.

Inside the Mind

I went to a friend's birthday party the other night. And she was with a guy that I have been in love with since I was 15. The friend knew full well I've had feelings for this guy for all these years, yet she loves to rub him in my face, anyway.

I understand why she does it. I've always understood her.

People don't understand why I let her get away with those things. And I won't for long. I'll get sick of it again and cut her off, just as I have in the past. But the reason I put up with her, the reason I let her get away with it is that I understand.

She really does like me. But she also hates me.

As long as other people aren't in the picture, she and I get along fine. But as soon as another person enters the scene, suddenly we're competing to be the best and the center of attention. Only I don't fight. I just smile and be myself, and oh well if that doesn't make the other person see me more than her.

But it does hurt me. Both because she's supposed to be my friend, and because it damages my self-image. I feel for hours and sometimes days afterwards that I'm simply not good enough.

I also see the guy she's now dating for who he really is. He's a very complicated guy, and I have always had the ability to see right through him. Ever since we were kids, I've seen him for what he is. He can charm and fool all the rest of the world, but I always got him. He isn't a smarmy idiot. He isn't a charming, cool person. He isn't nice or friendly.

He's a jerk. He sees the world around him as a giant game of chess, and he's always 6 moves ahead of everyone else. He plays with people's minds and uses words to effect them in ways I've rarely seen anyone able to do. And he's got a strong cruel streak. He likes to hurt people, and he's always been a user. He'll use them up and then move onto the next victim in line.

And I've always refused to be a victim, no matter how I might love him.

He's always been fascinated with me, but also hated me. Because I really see him, while most people don't. They get controlled glimpses, but they don't understand that he only lets them peak in on the parts he knows he can play them into believing won't effect them. I get how he works and that scares him. But it also draws him, because he's never played chess with someone who knows the moves like he does.

Thinking about these two, and how I really see through them into who they really are beneath it all, got me to thinking about character. Characters are a huge part of writing fiction. There is no story if there is no one there to tell it.

Building characters has given me strange insight into how people tick. Because the key to character building (at least in my experience) is backstory. Who are they when the chips are down and the world is going to hell around them? What has happened in their life to shape and mold them into the person they are now? And how will that effect the story I'm telling now?

The same is true in life. If you can look at people, really look without letting emotion blind you, you can see how they tick. You can connect their actions into a much larger framework and see what they have done in the past and what they will do in the future.

It's a very useful skill. It's also a fun game, if you get the hang of it.

Unlike the boy I love, however, I can't just play with people and act like it has no consequences. Seeing how it all fits together has given me deep insight into how my actions effect others, too. What I do to this person will affect their future choices, and I don't want to make them more broken than they already are.

I want to make them better.

Healthy Relationships.

Back when I was reading everything I could get my hands on about change, I remember I would cringe every time it got to the part about relationships. Each one said the same thing: You need to surround yourself with people who are supportive of your change and who emulate such an example in their own lives, if you really want to make an effective change in your life.

These are called healthy relationships.

And I encourage such relationships in my daily life. I'm quite good at finding and continuing them. I make friends with people on here and at work who help me stay on track with how I want my life to be like.

Unfortunately, I know that the 2 most influential people in my life DON'T support me. In fact, you could say they do everything in their power to stop me.

These people are known as my parents.

Not because they don't love me. It's not even envy. In part, I think it is a subconscious desire to keep me young and dependent on them for everything. Also, I've had a pretty rough life, and they've been along for that ride. They are terrified that I'm going to get hurt even worse and want to "protect" me from the world.

Getting raped did not help matters. I admit, I need to learn a lesson from what happened in how to handle men and dating in the future. I do not agree with the concept that I should give up on going out with my friends at night because (and here I quote) nothing good can come from being out late at night.

Allow me to insert the fact that I'm 23 years old in here.

I understand my parents' need to protect me. I understand that they want me to stay safe. But I refuse to quit living because someone decided to make me a victim again. I've allowed my fear of living to hold me back from too many things in life, and it's not going to happen again. I can't go back to that sad, little depressed soul who barely left the house. I just can't.

My mom and step-dad have fed into my depression for years. I don't think they are even aware of doing it. But they've kept me wrapped up in them and myself for as long as I can remember, encouraging self-destructive behavior that I now realize should have been stomped out long ago.

I can't let that continue. Even though it has harmed my relationship with my parents, I want to be a better person and I determined at the start of this that I would do whatever I had to to place my relationship with them on a more healthy footing. For all our sakes.

The current situation has set me back quite a bit, however. I don't know how I'm going to set my family life back on track, but I'm going to take a guess and say it will be a rough ride.

Here's hoping I can hold on.

I Know I Said I Wouldn't Do This...

I told Mark I wouldn't talk about depression and I would keep things on this blog upbeat from now on. I tried to do that yesterday. I tried to forget and pretend like nothing had ever happened.

But some distractions can't be ignored.

I feel so drained and lifeless. I feel like everything I am has been sucked out of me. I eat like 1 meal a day and my sleep is filled with terrible dreams. What little sleep I can get, anyway.

You see, night before last, I was date raped. I've been raped before, so I knew the drill and I didn't think my mind could handle another violent rape, so I just went along with him in the end. And my cooperation in the whole thing makes it incapable of prosecution, basically. I mean, they can go through the trial, but nothing will come of it.

So my mind is stuck in that night. I can't seem to pull my thoughts or emotions away from it. I just want to forget the whole thing ever happened. I want to pretend it all was just one of my fantasy scenarios.

But it wasn't. It was real. And I don't WANT to forget, not really. Not rationally. I want to remember and learn and get better again. I can and will survive this. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I'm stronger than this, strong enough to deal with what has happened and move on with my life.

That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. But underneath that, I feel like everything is dead inside, like all my drive and ambition to achieve and succeed is just...gone. Everything that mattered feels empty and worthless. My life feels pointless. I feel pointless.

It drives me crazy when logic and emotions don't line up. If I had handled things on a purely logical front that night, none of this would have happened. If I had handled the situation AFTER on a purely logical front, everything would have been better. If I could just deal with the aftermath of the whole situation now with pure logic, I could move on and use it as a fuel to make me stronger.

I don't know if I can do that. Emotions are just so strong. How do you deal with the emotions of a date rape? How do you deal with the feelings of vulnerability it leaves? It had taken me years and years to get to the level I was before. Virtually my whole life. How can I do that again?

I say I'm strong enough, but inside I wonder if that's true.

I guess I'm about to find out.  

My Goals

Thank you very much, YeamieWaffles, for pointing out the fact that I haven't really discussed my goal plans with the new followers I've gained. I've left you all a little lost.

If you'd like to read my former posts on the subject, you can find my first post, Becoming Great, or read up on the list on my page entitled 2013 Goals.

But if you'd just like a quick recap, I can spell it out pretty quick. Basically, I've tried to be a writer and consistent in a lot of activities throughout my life, and I've failed at all of it, over and over again. This time, I dedicated myself to building a base for accomplishing my dreams, and determined I wouldn't give up until I had everything I had ever wanted.

To that end, this year's goals are about building habits and skills that will help me reach my future goals and get my writing career on track at last.

Very admirable sentiment, right? But it wasn't solid enough to be a real plan. I needed something big and easily understood to come back to again and again when I wanted to see where I needed to go and what I wanted to accomplish.

So I created a list of 16 things I wanted to add to my life by the end of the year. They are:

1. Exercise, stretch, meditate, and work on my writing every morning & every evening
2. Journal, stick to a budget, & write a poem daily
3. Blog daily
4. Clean & organize environment
5. Set diet (list healthy choices, count calories consumed & calories burned)
6. Learn to cook healthy alternatives
7. Sketch something daily
8. Write daily (x amount of words daily on main project)
9. Improve posture (Alexander technique)
10. Learn Spanish
11. Learn belly dancing
12. Improve my Walmart work performance
13. Start composting
14. Study anatomy
15. Learn chess
16. Study classical literature

I've reached number 7 and become a little stunted in my growth at the moment. Which is no wonder, when you realize that I've started this life change only 3 months ago and have already tried to cram half the list into my life.

I think I might have overdone it.

But my premise is still effective. I believe I can slowly integrate great change by adding small changes over time. And each addition to my life has proven incredibly enriching. I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed broadening my horizons. Of course, it's also a little scary.

But then, what's life without a little fear?  

Just Smile

At work, all of the night shift managers treat me like I'm an idiot. I can't figure out why, though. I mean, they haven't spent more than a few minutes with me at a time, never talk to me about anything meaningful, and they know next to nothing about me. But yet they assume I'm an idiot.

Is it the smile? The laugh? The blonde hair? The youth? I just don't get it.

Other people smile and laugh and have blonde hair and are young. They don't treat them like idiots. So what's the problem here?

I know it has to do with my reputation. I'm the girl who is always happy, always friendly, always nice. I'm the good girl everyone likes. I'm silly and loud and spacy.

So few people look beyond that to the keen intelligence beneath. Nor do they realize that the spaced out dreaming is my extreme creativity at work.

But even those who can't see what lies beneath the exterior don't just assume I'm an idiot. So why do the night shift managers??? Did one of them just not like me and spread that dislike like a plague through their ranks?

Grr. The worst part is none of them will just come out and say what they are thinking. Just once, I'd like to explain to a person that a friendly smile doesn't mean you don't understand what suffering is like; it means you decided to be strong enough to smile anyway. Just once, I wish someone would dare to tell me to my face that I don't know what it's like to suffer. That if life had been as hard for me as it has been for them, I wouldn't smile like that.

I know what suffering is. I have suffered more in my short life than most people will ever even imagine. But I also know there are many out there who have (and still do) suffered much worse than I.

But my suffering taught me something very important: Life doesn't make you happy. Other people won't make you happy. YOU are the only one who can make yourself happy. So screw those who made you suffer and be happy anyway.

And screw those who don't understand.

Socially Inept

I'm not a very social person. I never really have been. Looking through my life, I can say why I'm not a very social person, but I can't figure out how to change that, even just a little bit. And what good is knowing the why if you don't know the what?

It's not because I'm afraid of being alone. While I may get lonely, I enjoy being alone most of the time. And reaching out to others is a click, click, and a few typed words away wherever I am, anyway. The internet made sure of that.

It's because my past has made me very mistrustful of other people. It's because my life has set me up to view groups of people, or even a few select friends, as more pain than pleasure. That is the path I've woven and this is where it has taken me.

Socially awkward and inept.

There's been little doubt in my life that I'm just not socially graceful the way others are. Other people just seem to get it. They know what to say, what to do, to get other people's attention and keep it.

But I don't.

This doesn't really worry me, for the most part. I want to be a writer, and I don't need to be extremely social to make that work, right?

Except I do. I have to do my own marketing, I have to get out and spread the word, I have to talk to people, when I really don't like to. And I have to do all of those things well.

How do you become good at something that goes against your very nature? Against every ingrown belief you have ever had? How?

If anyone out there has any suggestions for this socially inept girl to learn a slightly easier way to become at least a bit more socially graceful, I'd desperately appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.

A Writer's Soul

I sometimes seem to forget why I'm making this change. And when I realized that today, it made me realize something else as well. I have spent so much of my time both on and off this blog talking about these changes I'm making that I've forgotten to mention the why of it all.

A serious oversight, to be sure.

Why am I doing all of this? Because I'm a writer. It isn't my occupation, it isn't my hobby. It isn't just my passion. It's my life, who and what I am. Writing has defined my entire existence. Not just the act of writing, putting words on the paper, but the act of creating. Creating worlds, characters, stories. I've done that since I was a very small child. And I can't imagine a life without it.

That's why I'm doing all of this work. That's why I'm here. I want to be an incredible author. I want people to read my work for generations. Not because I'm egotistical. I may want to be special (who doesn't?), but I've had this driving need to share my worlds and stories with people since before I understood what money and fame were. I need people to see what I see. I need to give them a glimpse into my mind.

I've struggled to share my world inside my head since I was a kid. And other people never seemed to get it quite to the degree I needed them to. At first, I wrote it off as impossible to communicate, but still I itched to share.

And then I decided to do something about it. I worked on my writing, trying to share once again.

It didn't work out that well.

My work was creative and vivid and incredible. But the writing just wasn't good enough to communicate what I wanted to communicate to other people. Nor had I learned how to create a complete story from the random ideas and worlds that were in my head.

In short, it sucked. But it had potential.

My writing has improved since then. Not enough, still, but I continue to get better all the time. I've learned to piece together stories from the pictures in my head. Stories other people can see and understand almost as well as I can.

It's the writing I need to improve. I'm good with words, but I'm not great. And I need to be great. That's the only way I'll be able to truly communicate my worlds. It's the only method I have to share it all.

And sharing my worlds is my reason for being. I've known it my entire life. That's why I'm doing all of this. Because I have to share my worlds with everyone, or I'll have failed to fulfill my purpose.

If you can't tell yet, I don't like to fail.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet today.
6. Fixed my lunch and cooked my breakfast.

Determined To Succeed

I finished reading Talent Is Overrated today. It was truly a great book. And I think I am the richer for having read it.

One point has really stuck with me, though. It was on the last few pages of the book, just about at the end, when the author said that many people who have achieved great things have little to no social life and very few hobbies. The author points out that it takes great determination and need to be willing to forgo relationships and fun to achieve your dreams. He even goes on to question how big something would have to be to make you feel the same way.

And I asked myself that question today. Over and over again, I asked it. I've long held the dream of having it all. I wanted to live my dream life, have my dream career, and have a family. And I wanted to be GREAT at it all.

But I'm not Superwoman. I can't do everything. I'm going to have to make some choices. And it all comes back to what I want more than anything from my life. The answer to that question didn't take but a moment for me to think up.

I want to be a writer.

And not just any writer. I want to be a world-reknowned author. I want to be one of the greatest writers to have ever lived. I want to share my worlds, my characters, my stories with generations of people. I want it so bad that it actually hurts.

If push comes to shove, I'm willing to forgo a social life and hobbies to achieve this dream. This dream is more important to me than pretty much anything else.

And I will succeed. There isn't another option anymore.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet. :D
6. Cooked my lunch and dinner, and fixed the rest.

Research Your Way To Success

Up until 2 months ago, I always believed it was impossible for me to succeed. I just couldn't see how I could get from where I was to where I wanted to be. It seemed insurmountable.

And then I reached the point where I was sick of giving myself excuses.

My brain ran through my various failures over the years, looking at what I'd tried and failed to do. And I didn't want to do the same old thing, hoping it would work this time. It hadn't worked before and it wouldn't work now. There had to be a better way.

So I googled it.

Sounds so simple, right? Well, it wasn't. I filtered through tons of websites, all claiming to have thousands of ways to fix my motivational problems. Instead of picking through them higgledy-piggledy, I clicked on the ones sourced in psychological studies.

Eureka! I found my answers. They had been at my fingertips all along, yet I didn't have the where-with-all to find them.

And my life change was born. What you see here, on this blog, is an accumulation of weeks of research. I read books, I looked up website after website, and I studied each subject individually. Whatever I had to do to be successful this time, I was going to do it.

And here I am. Maybe not a raging success (yet!) but I've made it further than I've ever made it before. And my instincts tell me this is going to stick. This is a permanent change this time. All because I sat down and researched it.

Is there something you wish to change, too? Well, chances are there is an article or site dedicated to the subject somewhere on the internet. Google it and you may find that research will open the way to success for you, too. If it works for me (and many others who have succeeded at changing), chances are it will work for you.

If you really want it to.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today. Jogging day #1 for the week.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept to my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, picked up in my room, did some laundry, and did dishes.
5. Did NOT stay on my diet today.
6. Cooked nothing, but I did fix my breakfast.

10 Ways to Meditate

I remember when I first started meditating. It was only a little over 2 months ago, so it isn't hard, but it feels like forever ago. I remember feeling as though I was attempting something foreign and completely unknown.

I told myself it would be easy. I mean, how hard could sitting still and thinking about nothing but breathing be?

Turns out, pretty hard.

In fact, I've never grown to like that particular meditation. But I quickly discovered there are many other meditations out there to try. Here's just a few to peak your interest:

1.) Body scan meditation.

This one is my favorite. I lay still with my eyes closed and simply concentrate on one body part at a time. I repeat phrases like "I am my feet (or whatever body part I'm concentrating on)." and explore the sensations there until I can feel everything there without having to try. Then I move on to the next part it's connected to.

I start at my feet and move my way up until I reach my head. Each part is given special attention and any thoughts that intrude are brushed away and my concentration returns to my immediate concern. At the end, I concentrate on feeling my body in its entirety, and see how it feels to inhabit my own skin in the present moment.

What I love about this meditation is how incredibly relaxing it is. Because you concentrate on each body part without judging, it relaxes automatically without any interference from your mind.

2.) Walking meditation.

You can do this meditation anywhere really. Just get up and walk. Think the word inhale as you inhale, then count how many steps it takes for you to exhale. Repeat this over and over again as you walk.

I was amazed by how helpful this was at work. It's more of a mini-meditation for me, as I use it at my job to break up the stress of the day, but you can use it as a larger meditation if you like long walks in the wilderness or the like. It really helps you deal with hard days.

3.) Observational meditation.

This one is a little harder to do than the others, so you may want to try something else first. But it's relatively simple in theory. You simply count 6 exhales, and then start watching your thoughts. Label each thought with a name. Then make each thought as vivid as possible, picturing the thought as a living thing outside your body. Watch it for a while and then decide if you want to keep this thought or not. If you decide it is doing you harm, picture yourself pushing it away from yourself, building a wall between you and it, or simply deleting it from existence. Whatever imagery works for you, get rid of the thought.

You may have to brush the thought aside multiple times at first. But eventually your control will improve and the push will come easier.

What's incredible about this meditation is how it allows you to control your thoughts much deeper in real life than you ever thought possible. Once your brain has been trained to get rid of thoughts you don't want to have, the means of doing so is surprisingly easy.

4.) Emotional exploration meditation.

This is the same as the previous exercise, except this time you should observe your emotions instead of your thoughts. Whether you believe that each thought provokes an emotion or that each emotion provokes a thought, this exercise will help you control and identify your emotions.

Count 6 exhales before you start. Then go into your thoughts, merely observing. Don't get too caught up in the thoughts, just watch them as they go. Now, go deeper and find your emotions behind the thoughts. Go through and label the emotions you are feeling, one by one. Identify where they come from and explore what each feels like in its entirety, without judgment or fear of reprisal. Don't try to brush emotions aside as you did the thoughts, but do control what thoughts spring from these emotions. Reject any thoughts you don't like, and throw yourself into the emotion as much as you can without actually feeling it.

A great accompaniment to this meditation is to be extra-conscious of your emotions throughout your day. Take time to label thoughts throughout your day with an emotion and take time to have periodic checks to see what you are feeling right then, in that moment.

This is great for those of us who are extra sensitive (like me!). It helps you see how your emotions work and what the process is that you're going through. Controlling your reactions to emotions, and embracing them for what they are, are the first steps to being free from the power they hold over you.

5.) Cleaning meditation.

If you're one of those people who simply doesn't have the time to just sit still and do nothing, then this meditation is for you! Just go about a normal daily chore, but do it with one slight difference: instead of trying to finish the chore quickly to move on, absorb yourself completely with the physicality of it. Feel the washcloth as it washes the dishes. Feel every moment as it happens, dismissing any thoughts of what you have to do later or what happened last night at your friend's party. Just feel the moment right now.

This one is pretty simple and can have as meaningful an effect on your life as though you did carve out the time to meditate each day!

6.) Mantra meditation.

This is the one most of us see in the movies. In this meditation, you sit still and chant a mantra over and over again. It doesn't have to be out loud, but it does need to be simple and meaningful to you. Many people choose the word omm, for it's traditional purposes, but you can repeat any phrase or sound that appeals to you to repeat.

A great part of this meditation is repeating a positive affirmation in it. It's funny how much your brain begins to believe something if you say it enough times. So, you can kill two birds with one stone with this meditation and increase your positive thinking, too!

7.) Compassion meditation.

I've never tried this one myself, as I feel I suffer from too much compassion at the moment, but I feel it will definitely be added to my repertoir at some point in the future. There are several different kinds of compassion meditations, but here's the one I liked the most:

First, you call to mind your own self and say silently “May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I be free.” Next, call to mind someone you love, and say the same, but replace the Is with yous, obviously. Next, call to mind someone who is pissing you off or making you sad, and do it for them. From there, you can extend this meditation out to the entire world (“may all beings everywhere be happy” etc.). This part loses some people. If you’re one of them, then when you’re done with the person who you’re upset with, do someone else you love so you end on a good note.

This meditation is said to give people a more understanding and compassionate outlook on life and the people they deal with each day. It can definitely be a useful exercise when you're angry with one of your loved ones, or just upset in general.

8.) 100 Breaths meditation.

Okay, so this is just the breathing meditation we talked about not having to do, right? Except it isn't. In this meditation, you count each breath (that is, an inhale AND an exhale) until you reach the number 100. It sounds a LOT easier than it is because it's so simple to lose count due to thoughts coming along and distracting you from the numbers.

This is a great exercise if you want to learn how to control your concentration and focus for long periods of time. I hate it, myself, but I think it benefits my mind and so I stretch it with a few applications of it regularly.

9.) Focus meditation.

In this meditation, you sit and focus intently on an object outside of yourself. So, instead of observing your thoughts or feelings, you observe an object. Very popular objects to observe are flames and water.

This is a great meditation to stretch your focus. It keeps you thinking on something monotonous and mundane rather than the constant flow of life we get so used to.

10.) Spiritual meditation.

Meditation doesn't have to be spiritual, but it can be. You can experience it in the form of prayer if you so desire. Just pray as usual and concentrate on your words.


Meditation isn't always easy, but everyone can do it. It just takes practice and determination. And don't worry if your thoughts don't stay where you want them. Most people's don't. Even very experienced meditators suffer from that problem. Just remember that it's better to spend 10 minutes of your time redirecting your thoughts than it is allowing them to do whatever they want when you aren't looking.

Well, that's all the motivational speaking I have in me tonight. Good luck to everyone on learning meditation. I hope it proves as incredible an experience for you as it has been for me!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today, but only exercised tonight.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept to my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made my lunch. 

All Diets Work (But We Don't)

I read about a study in a book I read not so long ago (Change Anything), and it said something about diets that has stuck with me ever since. In this study, scientists tested each diet against a control group to see if it really worked. And their study showed that almost all of the diets worked...for as long as the people stayed on them.

Problem is, few people ever do.

We all have seen this story for ourselves. Woman or man hates their body and decides to change it. They go on a diet and exercise regimen and lose pounds quickly. And they keep them off. For a little while.

And then they slip. They skip an exercise routine. They cheat on their diet. And the pounds start coming back. The more they gain back, the more they eat and the less they exercise. They've already lost; why keep fighting the battle? Their new body quickly deteriorates until they've gained more pounds than they originally lost!

Sometimes this cycle repeats itself over and over and over again, causing more health problems than the supposed diet was supposed to cure in the first place.

When I was a little girl, I decided I was never going to diet. I didn't believe in the stuff. Dieting made people unhappy and cranky, and I wanted to be happy, dang it! How in the world could skinny ever be worth unhappiness?

Well, I still feel that way. In fact, I think fad diets are evil and are causing more obesity in our nation than they are curing. But then, why is a diet in my life change plan?

Because I want to change my diet. Not go on a diet. I want to eat healthier, in a more sustainable manner. I want to feel good and accomplish my goals, not fit in a swimsuit better. Sure, that'd be a great side effect to a healthier diet and exercise regimen (what girl wouldn't want that), but that's not what this is about.

This is about being happy. This is about making my dreams come true.

And no where in my dreams is there room for debilitating illnesses and health problems that hold me back from doing things. I need my health more than anything if I want to get somewhere in this life change of mine. So, starting on 4/11, I will be beginning my own diet plan. It won't be a fad diet, nor will it be a starvation diet. This will be a complete dietary change for me. A lifestyle change.

It will be based off of the dietary research I am currently doing. Extensive reading into how the body and nutrition works is the only way I can see making this work how I want.

And this will work. Just watch me.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog today.
4. Made my bed today.

Goal Book

I read on the Change Blog (a wonderfully informative blog for anyone who wants to change) that you should create a goal book outlining your plans to change. I nodded my head in agreement when I read it and used the notebook I had already been using to outline my goals, naming it my goal book.

And that was that. Or so I thought.

But the thought remained in my head. When I went to work, I continuously looked around for things that might help me on my goal, with no specific thoughts in mind. I just looked, thinking how each thing could be used to develop my goals and whether the benefits could offset the price.

And then I saw a zipper binder on sale for $3.50.

I immediately flashed back to my 8-year-old self. I used to carry around a zipper binder my mom bought me for school, dreaming about filling it with wondrous information that would make my dreams come true. I'd show it to other people and awe them with my incredible abilities. And I'd become something special, all from the power of that beautiful zipper binder.

Of course, that never happened. But it was a dream of mine, and since this new change is all about making my childhood dreams come true, I decided to use the money I had budgeted for my goal plans on a Goal Book.

As soon as I finished preparing the notebook, I felt like a giddy child again with my school binder. This notebook was going to make my dreams come true.

Which is childish nonsense, of course. I will make my dreams come true. But this binder and all it contains will help me get there. And that is certainly something to be excited about.

A Goal Book is a notebook where you plan your goals to a close degree and keep active track of your progress. Those that use such tools have been shown to stay on track towards their goals more often, bounce back from setbacks easier, and accomplish more overall. People who want to lose weight are encouraged to keep a notebook keeping track of their meal habits and their exercise regimen. Those who wish to get organized are encouraged to create lists of what they want to accomplish.

It's all related. So my Goal Book is here to help me stay on track towards my goals and I can honestly say it's already helping. In fact, it's amazing.

Do you like the idea of a Goal Book? Maybe you should make one for yourself. Who knows. Maybe it'll help you make your dreams come true.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, picked up in my room, did some dishes, and did laundry today.

 

Sick and Tired

I'm so sick and tired of feeling like crap. I'm so sick of my life and feelings being dependent on other people. I'm so sick of being the way I've been for so long.

I want to change. I want to be different.

And that's why I'm here. I might indulge in my need to encourage others to change, too. After all, I want everyone to feel as good as I'm feeling right now. But I hope everyone will always know that this blog is about one thing:

Change.

And, in the spirit of that, I'd like to announce several of my intentions. Starting next week, I'm going to make it a goal to post 1 video blog entry per week, as well as post at least one top 10 reasons and one top 10 ways to do something on my own to do list. Why? Because I'm finding out that what I'm doing is incredibly important and freeing. And I want you to find that out, too.

This is my change. I want to do it to the best of my ability, and I want to take anyone and everyone I can along for the ride.

I hope you don't get car sick.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercise, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, didn't stay on budget today, and wrote my poem.
3.  Posted on blog.
4. Made bed.

10 Reasons to Exercise

We all know we should exercise. But why should we exercise? Knowing that, and keeping it in mind each day when it's time to sweat through your clothes, makes you that much more likely to do it.

1.) Exercise combats health conditions and diseases.

If there was a pill we could take that could magically reduce our risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, cardiovascular diseases, stroke, metabolic syndrome, depression, certain types of cancers, arthritis, and falls, we'd all take it, right? Well, that pill exists. It just isn't a pill. All it takes is a little exercise each day to prevent major health conditions that could permanently alter your world as you know it.

Isn't that worth a little sweat and burn?

2.) Exercise improves mood.

Exercise sends off all those nice endorphins in the brain, making you feel good. Plus, regular exercise has been shown to improve your self-image and confidence.

Having troubles with self-esteem? Maybe you should just take a walk...every day for a month. See how you feel.

3.) Exercise boosts energy.

This one is a deal-breaker for me. I have struggled with meeting goals and making things happen in my life for years. Exercise has helped me push through on my goals and start making things happen in my life.

It's really no mystery. Regular physical activity delivers oxygen and nutrients to your tissues and helps your cardiovascular system work more efficiently. If your heart and lungs work more efficiently, you're going to have more energy for the other activities in your day.

4.) Exercise promotes better sleep.

As long as you don't exercise too close to sleep, you'll find that you'll fall asleep faster and sleep deeper if you exercise often. And of course, the more deep sleep you get, the more energy you'll have the next day.

Deeper sleep has also been shown to combat health problems. Want better health overall? Exercise is the magic pill!

You just have to take it.

5.) Exercise controls weight.

Well, most of us know that. But have you ever REALLY thought about it? Each day, you ingest copious amounts of fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates, as well as a host of other chemical compounds. And you have to do that, just to survive. But what happens if you do nothing to offset this intake? If you take in more than you work off, you're going to gain weight until you're the size of a whale.

Or just dead.

But regular exercise means that you're subtracting as much (or more) as you're adding in. It's simple math. If you want to change your size, you have to make the numbers work in your favor. Exercise is the only reasonable means you have of subtracting more than you take in. There is no other way (diet is reducing the amount you add; but it doesn't really subtract anything).

6.) Exercise makes you smarter.

Or, at least, it makes you more capable of applying your intelligence. Studies have shown people who exercise are more able to focus, are faster at reacting to problems, have better memories, and better cognitive function in general. 

So, exercise really is a no-brainer.

7.) Exercise reduces stress.

Had a hard day at work? Try a quick run. A little exercise can help you unwind from that confrontation you had with a coworker or the mean customer you faced today.

And everyone knows that stress today is killing us. The more you reduce your stress, the better you're going to feel.

8.) Exercise improves your sex life.

Well, of course. Sex is a physical effort in and of itself. So improving your, erm, performance will improve your sex life. Not to mention, self-esteem and confidence are great at improving anyone's sex life, and we've already mentioned how exercise improves you there!

But there's more to it than that. According to MayoClinic.com, regular exercise leads to enhanced arousal in women. And men who exercise are less likely to have problems like erectile dysfunction. (Check out the article here) 

9.) Exercise keeps your bones strong.

As you get older, osteoporosis is a real danger. You could lose the ability to run, walk, even stand! But with a little exercise each day, you could keep all of that from happening, increasing your chances of independence into your old age.

And how many of us actually want to live in a retirement home if we can help it?

10.) Exercise is actually fun!

It's true! Exercise can be a source of enjoyment in and of itself. And not just for health nuts (no offense). So-called "normal" people can enjoy exercise, too. 

The key is finding an exercise you actually like doing. Swimming, kayaking, skiing, there are a lot of options out there. And anything that gets you moving is worth it. Heck, they even have Wii games that get you going, if you don't want to experience the real thing. Just find something that fits your likes and dislikes, and get going! You might be surprised by how much you like it (I certainly have been).


Does anyone else have any other reasons to exercise? What motivators have you found that work for you?

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Made bed, picked up in my room, and organized my desk.

Clean House, Clean Mind

I've lived in a messy house my whole life. Not dirty, but definitely messy. Organization has never been a thing I, or my mother, have been good at. She continuously tried to teach me to be organized and clean more my entire life, but none of it seemed to stick. I dreaded cleaning, hated organizing, and didn't want anything to do with any of it.

Turns out, she was right.

Organization is key towards success. You can't succeed without getting your life and world a little organized. There is such a thing as being overly organized, but judging by my past, I think it'll be a long time before I reach such a point. Right now, I'm just trying to get a little bit.

So, towards that goal, I cleaned my room. Really well. And I've kept it that way. For almost 2 months. You have no idea how incredible an accomplishment that is for me. Until now, I think the longest period of time that my room has stayed this clean is maybe a week. And that usually meant someone else was either cleaning it or making me clean it.

I've also made a lot of cleaning projects a major priority in my life. Despite the fact I hate doing them.

How organized are you? Do you keep your environment organized, or does someone help (or even do it for you)? What methods of organization have you found to work?

I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone has. This is one subject I know very little about.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Did not exercise or stretch, but meditated and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, mostly stayed on budget ($7 over on credit card payment), and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Made my bed and picked up around room.

The Death of a Blog

I used to write another blog. It was called Kyla's Not Normal. I was initially quite excited about it. I wanted to share the writing experience with everyone, just as I wanted to share my story.

But mostly I wanted to create an author's presence on the web.

I really want to make it as an author. I have dreamed of sharing my stories with the world since I was 5 years old. Because there were things I saw and felt that other people simply didn't. I went to other worlds, and I dragged my friends there with me. They weren't upset about it for long. Very shortly, they were having as good a time as I was!

I've wanted to share those worlds and characters on a much larger scale ever since. And a blog was just another tool I used to reach that goal.

It isn't a terrible reason. But the blog was a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. Plus, when I didn't feel it was working, or that my work was going fast enough, it made it far too easy to drop the blog in favor of things like boys and partying.

This time I want it to be different. I don't want to set myself up to fail again. Each post on this blog is an accomplishment in and of itself without anyone commenting, and without my presence as an author being enlarged. Each comment is an opportunity for growth and expression. Each time it's hard to log on and update my blog? That's a challenge and an opportunity to show how much I've grown since the last one.

I blog because I believe it's good for me. I blog because I enjoy it.

And I still hope to make it as an author. But that's not what it's all about anymore. It's about becoming a better person. Becoming great.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Did not exercise or stretch today, but meditated and worked on my writing.
2. Wrote in journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Didn't clean at all.

Writing Down Your Troubles

Why did I make writing in a journal one of my goals? Well, that's simple. Because I'm a writer. And because talking myself through this change will make the process SO much easier, in the long run.

Not to mention, there is something so freeing in writing in a journal. It doesn't matter what you say, how you say it, or even why. It's your journal; you choose who reads it. And it's your space to just be yourself. Admit to your weaknesses. Describe your dark inner thoughts. Explore your flaws.

Only by facing what is wrong with you, deep inside, can you hope to change it. It won't go away on its own. You can't wish it away. It's there, and it haunts every day of your life.

And it will only get worse if you never deal with it.

A journal is truly the perfect place to work through some of that. Some might recommend therapy (and you may need that, too), but a journal won't charge you forty bucks an hour just to talk!

Just look at me! Every word I've written inside my journal has brought me strength in my change. It's part of the reason I've made it this far. Here's a few links to give you some ideas on why I recommend journaling so strongly:

The Health Benefits of Journaling

10 Reasons to Keep a Journal

Still not convinced? Well, think on this: In a journal, you can explore yourself, both good and bad, without fear of judgment or bias. It's just a page in a notebook. It isn't going to hate you or gossip about you. Instead, it will soak your words into its very soul, the truest form of listening you can ever imagine.

If you don't have a journal already, I recommend getting one. It's so simple to begin. All you have to do is write.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercise, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Made my bed.