Motivation

It's hard to tell the difference between motivation and ability sometimes. So often, if I lose all motivation, I say I can't do it. And I can list a whole host of reasons why I can't do it, too.

But the truth is, I can. I just don't really want to.

Which sounds horrible. The truth often does, of course, but there you have it. I don't want to get back on track and do my routine again.

I have a lot of motivation to achieve what I want. Sometimes. But then something happens, and suddenly I don't care. Nothing really matters to me for a while, and I have to drag myself out of the depressing pit where nothing matters, and back to the motivated, want-to-succeed person I really am.

I got my motivation back a short while ago. I started my routine back up. I hadn't quite made it to the blogging stage when the boy who raped me came back to my place of work and asked me if I was pregnant.

And just like that, motivation dropped to nothing.

I hate to admit something like this has such power over me. I hate to think how just a single meeting can change the course of my life completely. I want to believe I have control over my emotions and thus control over my life.

And life likes to remind me otherwise. Frequently.

I've decided to stop trying to force motivation. I need to recognize it when I have it, and jump on my work like no one's business, but I don't think I'll ever be able to completely control my emotions or life. And I do believe I'm going to get this train wreck of a change back on track and start achieving things again. I promise.

Just watch me go.

The Weak Points

Some of you out there may have noticed something about every single one of my blog posts: I finish them with a listing of my daily stats of what I did to reach my goals that day. This is a way for me to stay accountable for my actions. No, I don't lie on those stats to impress anyone; that would be missing the whole point. This is my personal improvement exercise. To lie would only be cheating myself of any improvement I could reap from it.

If you have been reading, you might have noticed that I have a few consistent weak points. There are two of the four goals that I find the most difficult to implement in my life. And neither of them have come as a shock to me.

Budgeting and cleaning are not things I enjoy. I doubt many of you reading this enjoy them, either. But I'm trying to face them, head on, to improve my life.

I'm still quite weak at those goals, though. I don't always stay on budget, I don't plan my budget as in-depth as I really should, I don't clean as much as I need to, and I don't make major cleaning projects the priority on my days off work as I planned. These are my weak points. These are the areas of my change plan that need the most work.

Studies have shown that people who spend most of their time in practice working on their weak points, show more improvement overall than those who spend a more balanced time dedicated to everything. Why? Because focus really does make a difference. All those multi-tasking benefits we've heard of? All lies.

 My main focus of late has been on budgeting. Mostly because I believe if I can rein in my spending habits, I can eventually afford some of the more expensive goals I have planned for later. After I get that under some control, I'm going to tackle my cleaning and organizational habits.

So, if anyone out there is wondering why I'm not moving on to goals 5 and 6 yet, this is why. Until I've improved in the budgeting and cleaning spheres, adding new goals will be left on hold. That's just common sense.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing this morning. Too sick to exercise and stretch tonight (strep), so I only meditated and worked on my writing.
2. Wrote in journal, planned budget for my next 2 weeks, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Absolutely no cleaning done.

Debt Has Become My Prison

I'm 23 years old. And I already owe over $7,000 in credit card debt.

How did this happen? Because I made it happen. I overspent. I spent money I didn't have when I didn't even have a job with a salary high enough to pay for it at the end of the month. Why? Because I "needed" it.

And it's no happenstance that most of my debt has been acquired since I started working at Walmart. Working so hard and getting so little in return made me feel as though I "deserved" the things I bought on credit. More than that, I am constantly bombarded with things I "need" to have. I can personally attest that Walmart's marketing scheme works.

At least, it did on me. Every day. For an entire year.

Until I can't stand it anymore. I'm so far in debt, I can't spend a dollar of my money without worrying if I'll have enough to pay my credit card bills. And as my main credit card debt is to Walmart, I can literally say that I pay Walmart to work for them!

And that is just pathetic.

Not only am I slaving for the company, I'm PAYING them to do so??? That has got to be the very definition of insanity.

No more. I'm going to pay off my current credit card debt, and then that's it. No more spending money I don't have. It's cold hard cash, or it isn't viable.

If you feel as though debt is enslaving you, too, check out Dave Ramsey's site. The man knows his stuff. And maybe he can make you rethink how you use your money, too.

I know I won't ever look at it the same again.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in journal, worked on my budget and stayed on budget, and finished my poem today.
3.  Posted on my blog.
4. Didn't clean anything at all today (except for the floors, bins, and merchandise at Walmart).