A Debt Of Happiness

I've been listening to my friends lately. A lot of them are having a lot of problems in life. What drives me crazy is how they complain about it, do nothing, and just make themselves more miserable in the complaining.

Now, I like to talk. So, I talk about my problems, too. I talk about my good days, I talk about my bad days, and I talk about the incredible days, whether those be incredibly bad or incredibly good. I especially talk about the things that make good stories. I complain, too. Boy, do I complain. But I laugh as I complain, find the humor and then do something. And I ALWAYS stay determined to be happy, regardless of what life throws at me.

I have moments where I can't find a way to make myself be happy, but they never last long. I perk back up, and I fight another day.

You see, a long time ago, I learned something. The world is not going to make me happy. Life is not going to make me happy. People are not going to make me happy. Any happiness I ever find in those things, will be short-lived and inter-spaced with so much pain, I might even forget it ever existed.

But I can make MYSELF happy, no matter what.

In the end, it's each and every one of us' job to ensure our own happiness. The world does not owe us that happiness. Life does not owe us happiness. Other people do not owe us happiness. It's nice if those things see fit to give it to us, but it certainly isn't owed. The only person meant to make you happy, is you.

If you can find an opportunity to be happy in every difficulty, you'll always be happy. And there is always an opportunity. You just have to look.

Motivation

It's hard to tell the difference between motivation and ability sometimes. So often, if I lose all motivation, I say I can't do it. And I can list a whole host of reasons why I can't do it, too.

But the truth is, I can. I just don't really want to.

Which sounds horrible. The truth often does, of course, but there you have it. I don't want to get back on track and do my routine again.

I have a lot of motivation to achieve what I want. Sometimes. But then something happens, and suddenly I don't care. Nothing really matters to me for a while, and I have to drag myself out of the depressing pit where nothing matters, and back to the motivated, want-to-succeed person I really am.

I got my motivation back a short while ago. I started my routine back up. I hadn't quite made it to the blogging stage when the boy who raped me came back to my place of work and asked me if I was pregnant.

And just like that, motivation dropped to nothing.

I hate to admit something like this has such power over me. I hate to think how just a single meeting can change the course of my life completely. I want to believe I have control over my emotions and thus control over my life.

And life likes to remind me otherwise. Frequently.

I've decided to stop trying to force motivation. I need to recognize it when I have it, and jump on my work like no one's business, but I don't think I'll ever be able to completely control my emotions or life. And I do believe I'm going to get this train wreck of a change back on track and start achieving things again. I promise.

Just watch me go.

Working On Routine

Routine is the secret to success for me. I know it. I have proven it. I have lived it.

But it's so hard to put into practice.

I want to write every day again. I want to wake up and run most days. I want to feel limber and relaxed again. I want to remember calm, instead of trying to create it all the time. And I desperately want to see the progress I was making renewed.

So, my routine must return. But everytime I make a deadline for the day it has to be reenacted, I find some excuse to put it off another day. And another. And another.

Because tomorrow is a day that never comes. Saying "I'll do it tomorrow." is as good as saying "I don't want to do it at all."

The fact is, I want to see that beautiful progress I was making, but I don't want to put in the effort the routine costs. Which is funny, because it didn't feel like much effort while it was happening. At least, not until I added a whole bunch more to my routine.

But it's time to get off my butt and start this life change back up again. I'm tired of excuses and silly self-pity. I want to feel myself living again!

Here's hoping I can survive the ride.

Upgrade Ready

So I was at work today and I decided to splurge for the first time in a VERY long time on some beauty products. For some reason, I felt this need to experiment and play with a whole new look.

In other words, I bought a whole lot of new make-up.

That got me back to thinking about my life change again. I don't want a superficial change, like some new make-up to make me look better. I want a real change, like writing every day and running and eating healthier. The superficial can make everything look and maybe seem a little better, but it's just a trick.

It's like putting a new paint job on a broken down Pinto. You're still stuck on the side of the road wondering where all your money went.

I'm not returning the make-up, because I like a nice paint job, thank you very much. But I can't stop there. I need to get this life change back to the center of my life. No matter what is going wrong, this change has been an extraordinary source of strength for me, and I'm not ready to lose that.

And I like where I was going when my engine was running.

Strength

Strength is such a complicated word. I find strength in words and power in the mind, where I explore a rich internal world. But other people find strength in brute force, money, beauty, and social connections.

Don't get me wrong; I can see where those things have their benefits. I just don't care about them as I do words and imagination. To me, those are the true strengths of humanity, the true powers that can beat any odds.

Each source of power and strength has a place in life, of course, but I think if words and imagination were the primary source of power in this world, it would be a much better place to live. And if you use the other sources of power in combination with these two, you'll be unstoppable.

I don't have incredible beauty, I wasn't born rich, I'm not a very social creature, and I'm definitely not a physically blessed person. But I was born with a rich imagination and a love of words. Capability to use those two gifts effectively came from much trial and error, but the fascination was inside of me from day 1. And it lives on inside of me to this day.

What do you think about strength? Is it a complex assortment, delved from multiple sources? Or is it much simpler than that? Does brute force mean more than intelligence? What is your source of strength?

Holding On

So I have missed 2 blog posts in a row. I should feel bad, because this is basically me holding onto my life change by my fingernails. But I'm still holding onto it by my fingernails!

And that makes me feel pretty damn good.

I mean, I haven't given up. I could use what happened as an excuse to quit, to say it isn't going to work this time and move on, and who would blame me? But I'm not doing that. I want this too bad to give up. I won't let anyone steal this from me.

I can and I will get back up and make it work. I can be strong.

But I'm also going to have to be realistic. I can't go back to a strict regimen and routine and expect myself to just jump into it full-fledged ahead. I don't have it in me right now. And that's okay.

I just need to do something. Anything. I need to get back up and try again. I need to give this a chance to work, because I know it can. And I'm going to need all the help I can get to do that.

I want to thank everyone for their very supportive comments. And when I have a little more socialization in me again, I'm going to go back through and reply to them all. But I want you to know I've read them and truly appreciate your kindness. And that what you've said has meant something to me. I may be holding on by my fingernails, but I'm pretty sure you guys are what those fingernails are holding onto.

I apologize for the scratches.

This Is Normal???

I was talking to some of the women at work about what had happened (which I covered in my previous post I Know I Said I Wouldn't Do This), and as I talked I found a very uncomfortable trend.

Almost every single woman I spoke to had had at least ONE experience with rape. Most had two or more.

I'm sorry, but am I the only person to find it disturbing to think that RAPE is NORMAL?!?! It happens so often in society (though rarely spoken of in reference to one's self) that most every woman I talked to today could describe a scenario in which she was raped or almost raped within her lifetime.

And they don't talk about it to other people! Which, on the one hand, I can understand. If I weren't such a blunt person, I wouldn't talk about it. Even with my blunt personality, I had to fight the urge to bury it all beneath a fake smile and camouflage the fact that everything had suddenly changed. For someone like me, that's amazing. I say almost everything. I love to communicate and I rarely miss an opportunity to exercise that ability.

So the urge to bury the shame of rape is pretty strong, if it could actually still my tongue for even a day.

This made me think even more. All these women are walking through life brushing up against other women, the vast majority of which have suffered this terrible hell called rape at one time or another. And instead of reaching out to one another and sharing that burden, talking about their experiences and their means of overcoming the emotional repercussions, they allow shame and fear to crush them into silence.

I can't help but wonder if that is part of the reason rape has become "normal".

On top of everything, by talking to all these women who had been through much the same as I had, I found myself feeling stronger and stronger. Because I looked at them and thought to myself: "They don't act terrified all the time. They've moved on with their lives and shaped relationships with other people despite what they went through. They aren't jumping at shadows or crying at the drop of a hat. And if they can manage to do something that amazing, so can I."

So by remaining silent about rape, we are actually denying other women and ourselves the opportunity to heal and find strength. We are crippling these victims from finding the support they need to grow back into confident young women.

Of course, it isn't acceptable to just talk about rape in society. At least, not if it isn't about the most recent news article or serial paperback featuring the subject. Isn't it sad that we have to distance ourselves from the subject to discuss it at all?

And why? From a fear of gossip? Of being blamed? Of being ridiculed?

After all, aren't our own minds doing a good enough job at ridiculing at blaming ourselves as it is?

I may be gossiped about and badmouthed behind my back for admitting to date rape at work. I may be blamed and ridiculed and speculated about. But I don't think I will be. Because I talked to real women today, one on one, about real things that had effected us both as human beings. Rare are the souls who will open themselves up to you in a private setting and then blab your secrets to all who come along. After all, they gave you some of your own ammo from which to fire back.

But even if I am gossiped about for discussing it, I'm glad I did it. I couldn't have collected more useful data from going through years of therapy (been there, done that), internet searches (lots of upbeat articles about how "This Isn't Your Fault"), or books (recommend therapy and not blaming yourself).

These were real women leading real lives every day. They got choked up when they thought about what happened, they nodded their heads when I described my thoughts and emotions, and they completely understood and commiserated with my actions and choices. And they had moved on. They weren't stuck in the past indefinitely. They weren't still wallowing in depression and fear. They had picked up the pieces their lives had become and put them back together to make something beautiful.

So I'd like to dedicate this post to all the women out there who have been through this before. You took a life that had been cracked beyond all seeming repair and somehow glued the pieces together into something amazing. 

I only hope I can be as strong as you.

Life Is Like A Camera

Life changes are hard. I expected that. I even expected a set-back or two. But somehow the reality has surpassed my expectations.

It has been even harder than I thought it would be. I have seen far more set-backs than I ever could have expected. But I also have seen more success and happiness than my little heart could have asked for.

The fact that I have dedicated myself to changing into a person I can be proud of is amazing. And today I took stock of what that change has done to my life.

I haven't won any awards for suddenly becoming an incredible, popular author. I haven't become a sensational artist overnight. I haven't reached enlightenment or physical perfection. Nor have I become as healthy or organized as I dreamed. But I've become so much more than I thought possible. I've learned how to keep a schedule. I've learned to love myself. I've learned how to deal with mistakes and failures. And I've become a more confident, more mentally healthy person because of it.

I think that's a success worth more than the rewards I started this journey for.

It amazes me to think that three months ago I sat down and decided to just change my life. I decided to take what my life had always been and had accepted as immutable, and turn everything I knew upside down and inside out. Where did such bravery come from?

Two months ago today, I started this blog in an effort to keep myself accountable for my life change. I wanted to talk to people about what I was doing and have them keep me accountable for keeping to my schedule. And I wanted to inspire people to change into the person they've dreamed of becoming, too.

If life is like a camera, then this blog has been my lens. Thanks to the posts I've made here each and every day and the comments they've received, I've been able to evaluate my progress and be encouraged to keep going in the face of what I considered impossible odds. This is why I made it thus far.

And this is why I'll make it to month four. Wonder what the picture will look like then...

Going Forward

So, I failed. And today was just as hard as the days before. So what? I'm not doing those days over again, I'm starting a whole new day each and every morning I'm alive.

There's no point in staring at the past. The past is unchanging. We can glimpse back at it every once in a while and enjoy the stories, but we can't get lost in it. Because that's not the direction we're heading. We're going forward.

And forward means progress. Forward means change. Change of scenery, change of direction, change of heart. All of this is what lies ahead, not behind.

I guess I need to keep my eyes glued to the horizon, then. Because tomorrow is a whole new day of opportunity!

So, So Tired

My store is doing inventory this Tuesday. And everything is just one giant mess. There is no possible way we can get everything ready for inventory by Tuesday, especially as busy as the store has been lately.

It seems to have come down to a matter of priorities: What has to get done and what should get done, but probably won't.

That's the attitude I feel everywhere I go in the store. It isn't just my departments feeling that way. And when I sat back and evaluated, I realized that this exact attitude has spilled over into my personal life as well.

I'm just so tired! I feel that way all of the time. I need sleep, I need rest, I need comfort food, I need to escape into pleasure novels and television shows. I may still be doing the bare minimum required to keep my goals moving forward, but I feel like I'm losing my grip on it all because of the exhaustion I feel.

So, it's come down to priorities: What in my daily schedule has to get done for me to keep going and what should get done, but probably won't.

I don't like that. But that's the reality of the situation.

When I realized what was happening, I wanted to crack the whip and get myself back on track immediately. But that only lead to more feelings of failure and ineptitude. So, I've decided on a new approach.

I'm going to allow myself a bit of a break. I'm going to do the bare minimum until Tuesday, and then I'm getting myself back on track.

I know I can do it, if I can just beat this exhaustion! I'm having a lupus flare, and this inventory madness is only making me feel more frazzled and weak. I genuinely do need all the rest I can get.

I hope all of you out there aren't ashamed of me. But I want to stay on track with my goals, and I believe that accepting (and learning) from failures is one of the key ways to do that. I haven't quit just because I'm tired, but I am going to lower my expectations until I have more room to address the problem.

This time, I won't quit until I'm done.

Socially Inept

I'm not a very social person. I never really have been. Looking through my life, I can say why I'm not a very social person, but I can't figure out how to change that, even just a little bit. And what good is knowing the why if you don't know the what?

It's not because I'm afraid of being alone. While I may get lonely, I enjoy being alone most of the time. And reaching out to others is a click, click, and a few typed words away wherever I am, anyway. The internet made sure of that.

It's because my past has made me very mistrustful of other people. It's because my life has set me up to view groups of people, or even a few select friends, as more pain than pleasure. That is the path I've woven and this is where it has taken me.

Socially awkward and inept.

There's been little doubt in my life that I'm just not socially graceful the way others are. Other people just seem to get it. They know what to say, what to do, to get other people's attention and keep it.

But I don't.

This doesn't really worry me, for the most part. I want to be a writer, and I don't need to be extremely social to make that work, right?

Except I do. I have to do my own marketing, I have to get out and spread the word, I have to talk to people, when I really don't like to. And I have to do all of those things well.

How do you become good at something that goes against your very nature? Against every ingrown belief you have ever had? How?

If anyone out there has any suggestions for this socially inept girl to learn a slightly easier way to become at least a bit more socially graceful, I'd desperately appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.

The Road Once Travelled

What kind of achievements have you accomplished in the past?

I was reading today in This Year I Will... (another great book) that creating a list of achievements that you have succeeded at in the past helps you see what strengths and skills you have to bring to the change you wish to make now. And it sounds pretty smart, so I thought I'd make a small list of my own, and encourage all of you to do the same.

1. I have finished the first draft of my first book in the series.
2. I have finished the outlines of the first 10 books in the series.
3. I have said no to drugs and smoking.
4. I have worked in retail despite my social anxiety.
5. I have performed in 2 plays.
6. I have controlled my anger to an extreme degree my entire life.

All of those accomplishments were done by me. Not someone else. Me. And they took strength, courage, passion, love, and determination. They took self-control, coping mechanisms, adaptation, willingness to see all sides of a story, and positive thinking.

And those are all things I can turn towards my new life change to help make it happen.

What have you done, and what are the skills that it took to accomplish that? Can those skills help you on your current problem?

Hope you find this as interesting as I did!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did NOT stay on my diet today.
6. Cooked breakfast.
7. Drew. 

What's Wrong?

I may be a good writer now. But I'm not great. And I desperately need to be great. I believe my key to greatness is criticism.

If I want to grow, I'm going to have to ruthlessly work on the things I'm bad at. I've been tackling the consistency problem I've had, but it's time to identify other weaknesses in my writing and start targeting those behaviors, too. Only by identifying them and working through them can I hope to get better.

I know I can do it. For once in my life, I finally view criticism as a good thing, instead of a self-esteem bashing. I have to use it to grow, instead of viewing it as some kind of proof that I'm not good enough as I am. That's my path to greatness.

So, if any of you readers out there can identify where I need improvement, I'd dearly appreciate it. I'd also appreciate it if you know of any sites where I can join and have my work critiqued by other writers. I'd like to start working on my writing in full force now.

I'm going to need YOUR help to do it.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, did not write a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Cooked my lunch and breakfast and dinner.
7. Drew.

A Writer's Soul

I sometimes seem to forget why I'm making this change. And when I realized that today, it made me realize something else as well. I have spent so much of my time both on and off this blog talking about these changes I'm making that I've forgotten to mention the why of it all.

A serious oversight, to be sure.

Why am I doing all of this? Because I'm a writer. It isn't my occupation, it isn't my hobby. It isn't just my passion. It's my life, who and what I am. Writing has defined my entire existence. Not just the act of writing, putting words on the paper, but the act of creating. Creating worlds, characters, stories. I've done that since I was a very small child. And I can't imagine a life without it.

That's why I'm doing all of this work. That's why I'm here. I want to be an incredible author. I want people to read my work for generations. Not because I'm egotistical. I may want to be special (who doesn't?), but I've had this driving need to share my worlds and stories with people since before I understood what money and fame were. I need people to see what I see. I need to give them a glimpse into my mind.

I've struggled to share my world inside my head since I was a kid. And other people never seemed to get it quite to the degree I needed them to. At first, I wrote it off as impossible to communicate, but still I itched to share.

And then I decided to do something about it. I worked on my writing, trying to share once again.

It didn't work out that well.

My work was creative and vivid and incredible. But the writing just wasn't good enough to communicate what I wanted to communicate to other people. Nor had I learned how to create a complete story from the random ideas and worlds that were in my head.

In short, it sucked. But it had potential.

My writing has improved since then. Not enough, still, but I continue to get better all the time. I've learned to piece together stories from the pictures in my head. Stories other people can see and understand almost as well as I can.

It's the writing I need to improve. I'm good with words, but I'm not great. And I need to be great. That's the only way I'll be able to truly communicate my worlds. It's the only method I have to share it all.

And sharing my worlds is my reason for being. I've known it my entire life. That's why I'm doing all of this. Because I have to share my worlds with everyone, or I'll have failed to fulfill my purpose.

If you can't tell yet, I don't like to fail.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet today.
6. Fixed my lunch and cooked my breakfast.

Good Data

So I've had another bad day. One of those days where I simply want to go home and go to bed, and not do any of my work or exercise. One of those days where I seem to fail at every turn.

But I'm not sad this time. I'm not even a little discouraged. Because I learned a few things today.

First, I still have trouble saying no, especially to foods I have always loved that someone else will give me for free...even if it isn't on my diet. Second, that my entire week is defined by my 2 days off work. If I accomplish a lot and feel good about myself on my days off, I'll do better that week because I feel more motivated by my success. If I don't accomplish much of anything at all in those 2 days, I'm going to struggle and fail all week.

It's kind of strange to think that just 2 days can change the outcome of 5 more of them, but there you have it. So, I'm going to have to try extra hard this coming break to make sure I accomplish something.

And that's what you call turning a bad day into good data. Life is an experiment and chances are you won't get things right the first time you try them. So keep trying.

I know I will.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept on my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did NOT keep on my diet.
6. Cooked my lunch and fixed my lunch.
7. Drew today.

To Draw A World

So today I started my seventh goal for this year: drawing something every day. And, let me tell you, this one is going to be interesting.

I've never been very good at drawing. Not since I was a very small child. People would look at my work and ask me what in the world was that with this truly horrified look on their faces. After the extensive rejection of and mockery for my work, I told myself I just didn't have a knack for drawing and quit. But I always looked on others that could draw with envy and longing.

I wanted to do that, too.

Well, here's my chance to try. Maybe I don't have a born gift, but according to Talent Is Overrated, no drawing gene has been found in the human genome as of yet, and it seems a little crazy to think there will be.

But my eye isn't very well-trained. And my thoughts keep getting in the way. But I can do this. I can learn how to draw. I just know I can.

I started tonight at learntodraw.com and I have to say, it's quite interesting. I think I might have a shot at this, after all. I just have to try my best, and I can only get better.

Here's hoping I can be something of an artist someday.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and did a load of dishes.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Cooked chicken for lunch and breakfast and fixed my lunch for work.
7. Worked on drawing today.

Fighting Depression

I'm a very happy person. Or so I've been told. Over and over again, all of my life.

And I am a happy person. When I'm not depressed. But depression has plagued me most of my life. It's a terrible disease that haunts my thoughts. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or trapped, depression seems to reach up and swallow me whole.

It steals my life away. It steals my energy and dreams. It steals my love for myself. It steals my hope and kindness away.

It's a dirty, rotten thief, and I refuse to allow it make itself at home in me any longer.

Of course, I know I'm going to get depressed. I'll probably be depressed tomorrow. But I won't let it beat me. I won't let it stop me. I won't let it steal those things from me anymore. It may break into my life, but that's no reason for me to ask it to pull up a chair and stay for a while.

It shocks people when I tell them I suffer from depression. I seem so nice, so peppy, so full of hope, they say. Most people don't seem to realize that all of that comes with a dark side. If you can feel the good emotions that vividly, if life can ever be that bright, then it goes to reason that the opposite is true. You can feel the bad emotions just as vividly as the good, and life can be inexplicably dark when the brightness fades away.

It's beautiful and it's terrible. So, if there is anyone else out there suffering with their darker side tonight, I want to remind you of something Annie once said: the sun will come out tomorrow. She will be bright and beautiful when she rises. And isn't the dark worth that, when all is said and done?

If you never let it beat you.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made pizza this morning and fixed my lunch and snack for work.

My Superpower

I was thinking to myself on the way to the hospital to see my mom and I realized something. I have an incredible superpower.

Unfortunately, it isn't something cool like telekinesis or technopathy.

I have the amazing ability to create worlds and characters and stories in my head. I can go anywhere I want to, just by thinking about it. I can feel any emotion I want to, have any relationship I want to, be any person I want to, just by imagining it. I'm incredibly creative, and my brain never stops wanting to create something else. It churns out ideas at an unrealistic rate.

But I don't do anything with it.

I spend most of my time inside my imagination, creating and pretending and building inside my mind where it does no one, not even me, any kind of good. I read books and watch TV in a strange attempt to direct my imagination so it doesn't go directions I don't want it to. And then I do puzzles and play games so that my brain's too busy to create, just to turn it off for a while.

But I never use my gift, my superpower, to benefit. I've tried writing, tried to make it direct my imagination in a constructive fashion. And I fell head over heals in love with the method. I found that writing opened up my imagination in ways I never dreamed. And it directed my focus, so that my mind didn't wander.

But then I grow bored. I want to move onto something else. And the book is never finished.

When I started the series I'm currently working on, I determined that wasn't going to happen this time. And it hasn't. It's been around 2-3 years since I first started designing this novel and I haven't allowed myself to get distracted yet.

I've decided, though, that the only way I'm ever going to see my superpower benefit myself and others, is if I direct it towards my goals mercilessly. I can't allow myself to imagine and create whenever and wherever I want. I need control.

Control is one of the few things I don't find easy to create.

Small periods of control are easy. It's the long-term that I can't seem to manage. But this new life change is all about changing that. Shaping my mind and my life the way I want them to be.

So that's my next concentration. I'm going to continue on with my goals (drawing daily is my next goal and it starts on 4/25), but I'm going to do so with an overall thought in mind: I want the ability to turn my superpower on and off at will.

I refuse to let it rule my life. It's time for me to take control.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and did some laundry.
5. Kept to my diet.
6. Made pizza and lots of vegetables and fruits for lunch.

Failure Is Not An Option

It's awfully ironic that I'm forced to write this post after yesterday's. It would be hilarious if it wasn't happening to me.

My mom had to go to the hospital today. I spent over 7 hours there and that isn't including the doctor's visit before hand, the stop at the restaurant with my mom, or getting ready to go. All-in-all, it has been an extraordinarily unproductive day, and an exhausting one to boot. I'm about to go to sleep after one giant day of fail.

And my poor mom. She's got to be miserable. I would be, if I'd been to the hospital as many times as she has been. To be sticked, prodded, and examined repeatedly sounds (and looks) like hell. Talk about an annoying, unproductive day.

To be honest, I don't feel like I wasted my day. My mom needed to go to the hospital and find out if there is anything wrong with her heart. I needed to be there with her and make sure everything went okay.

I'm not ashamed of that.

But I refuse to let a day of not reaching my goals lead to more days like this. So thinking on this day as good data for future planning is useful. Of course, I have to face the fact that days of failure will come regardless of how much or well I plan.

It's a life of failure that is unacceptable.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Didn't do my routine at all.
2. Wrote in my journal and kept on budget. Did not write a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did not stay on my diet.
6. Didn't cook anything.

Determined To Succeed

I finished reading Talent Is Overrated today. It was truly a great book. And I think I am the richer for having read it.

One point has really stuck with me, though. It was on the last few pages of the book, just about at the end, when the author said that many people who have achieved great things have little to no social life and very few hobbies. The author points out that it takes great determination and need to be willing to forgo relationships and fun to achieve your dreams. He even goes on to question how big something would have to be to make you feel the same way.

And I asked myself that question today. Over and over again, I asked it. I've long held the dream of having it all. I wanted to live my dream life, have my dream career, and have a family. And I wanted to be GREAT at it all.

But I'm not Superwoman. I can't do everything. I'm going to have to make some choices. And it all comes back to what I want more than anything from my life. The answer to that question didn't take but a moment for me to think up.

I want to be a writer.

And not just any writer. I want to be a world-reknowned author. I want to be one of the greatest writers to have ever lived. I want to share my worlds, my characters, my stories with generations of people. I want it so bad that it actually hurts.

If push comes to shove, I'm willing to forgo a social life and hobbies to achieve this dream. This dream is more important to me than pretty much anything else.

And I will succeed. There isn't another option anymore.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet. :D
6. Cooked my lunch and dinner, and fixed the rest.