Self Worth

We all have insecurities. We all feel less than what we think we should be. But do you value yourself?

Sometimes, I think I do. But there's always been this little voice inside of me that says I'm not good enough, says that I do everything wrong, and makes me believe I'm worthless. I've wrestled with it all of my life, and I don't think I'm alone in this particular fight. Most people seem to fight with their insecurities every day.

Through meditation, I learned to listen and then deny that voice and it's power. But since my routine has NOT been resurrected as I intended, I can honestly say that I've fallen back into the same insecurities.

Talking to a friend has helped me see why I don't want to be like this. He makes me feel crushingly insecure, but that isn't what opened my eyes.

It's his way of dealing with his own insecurities that showed me what's wrong with how I am now dealing with mine.

He once had people he confessed his problems to, but they shut him down and abandoned him when he needed them most. He once had people who made him hate himself. And then he finally kicked them out of his life.

But instead of dealing with the cuts in his soul that these people left behind, he let them fester. Now, he's become much like the people he refuses to think or talk about. Anyone mentions their problems, he shuts them down, because he believes everyone should deal with their own problems. Anyone makes him feel in the slightest inferior, he shuts them out, and turns that same feeling back on them.

I am the first to admit I have many scars upon my soul. But they are scars. Flaws in the framework of my inner self, but they have closed and healed. I haven't allowed infection to settle and infect the rest of my soul. And while more cuts continue to be added to the number, each one is carefully tended and given what it needs to heal.

This boy does not have that. His cuts have never healed, and if he doesn't change sometime soon, I'm afraid that he's going to die of them.

And trying to help him has shredded my self-worth like nothing I've done before. I'm finally to a point where I have to back off and tend my own wounds. I feel guilty, like I should keep on trying to save this guy from himself, but I know this isn't really my responsibility. But my emotions about myself are. And I need to help myself feel better again.

How can I help anyone else if I don't help myself?

Sorta Sane

So I disappeared after my nervous breakdown a bit. I know I'm not doing so well, because I can't write. I sit at the computer, pull the book up and just stare at it blankly for a long time. Not because I don't know where to go from here but because it just doesn't feel like the words are in me anymore.

Which is crazy. I know the words are there. I just can't seem to reach them.

But I have some good news. I read some pretty risque books on occasion, and since the rape I haven't been able to. But yesterday I made myself get a really rough one about a woman like me who was recovering from a severe rape who subsequently fell in love and found peace. Strangely, the book was better therapy than just about anything I've done so far.

My coworker and I are also getting along better. I had to go to our boss and report things, but we're dealing now. So that front looks better. 

And boys are still hitting on me and pressuring me to go out with them, which I'm just not ready for.

Beyond the recent trauma, I have a hard time finding men who I click with. I guess I'm a little picky. I need to feel passion with them, need to be able to hold intelligent conversations with them, and they need to be able to call me on my crap sometimes.

Looks are not required. Appreciated, but not required. Money is not required. A nice perk, but again, I don't really care. I just need to FEEL when I'm with them, instead of having that cold logic dominating my personality.

I wish I could write my book again. I feel the words inside me, wanting to be unleashed. It feels like something is in the way right now, though. And I'm not sure if it's my personal problems or a story problem.

Anyway, thought I'd get on here and let you all know that I am coping and dealing with things in my own way. I don't like how depressed I've been lately and I'll soon be dragging my butt back out of it. But right now, I just don't have the energy to.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Right?

A Cold Kind of Anger

I am descended from two very messed up bloodlines. My father's side is what I call pure evil. And my mom's is crazy. Me, I'm a very nice person who is passionate and loving and good.

I'm also just a little bit crazy and a tad evil.

Not a lot. Not like the others in my family, that's for sure. I talk to myself, I live in imaginary worlds, and I tend to freak out in crowds. That's about as crazy as I get anymore. And I'm not very evil. I don't like to hurt other people and I don't plot to take over the world.

But I do have a very cold, calculating side to me. It usually only comes out if I sense a threat to myself or others, but it's always there, beneath the surface of my soul.

And it's always scared me.

This side of me adds up the universe in cold, uncaring sweeps, and looks at the world and sees logic and math, not people and lives. It sees probabilities, and how to use people to get what I want. It's never hot, never passionate, and it is achingly patient.

I recently commented on YeamieWaffles blog, and I said some things from that side of myself. I told him about how to destroy a person using social connections and how simple it was if you just did it subtly. And I used that side of myself when I was raped. I calculated how best to handle this potentially violent man and how to get away relatively unscathed. This side of me did not care that if I followed through on this plan, I'd lose all chance at prosecuting him for his rape. It only cared about survival.

Now he's free to go on raping other women. Nor does he realize what he did was even rape.

That is the consequence of my choice. But that side of me still doesn't care. Because it was the best way to survive, and that was all that really mattered.

The man I told everyone about yesterday has always scared me, too. Not because he's dangerous. But because he reminds me of this side of myself. That evil little piece inside my soul that can destroy a life. He revels in that side of himself. He's everything I am in that segment of my heart and that scares me.

Because I don't want to be like him. Or like the other evil people in my family.

I still care about others. I still hate hurting people. I will never be a violent person. But I do have a strong vindictive streak. And I hate that this side of me is so alive and active right now. I'm sure it has to do with the anger I'm feeling.

I wish anger was hot and terrible for me, like it is for other people. That it flamed as high as when my mom loses her temper, and then fizzles itself out when it runs out of fuel. My anger is cold. It feels like my emotions, usually so alive and active, just die inside me. Like all the heat of my soul is extinguished beneath a glacier of uncaring anger.

It releases from me in one of two ways. Either it builds until I explode and use words to tear a person into shreds. Or it slowly and systematically strips a person of everything they care about in the same social destruction I described to YeamieWaffles.

It scares me. And yet it has saved me many times. Rarely do I allow my anger to do what it wants. I've seen too many people do irreparable damage both to themselves and others by indulging in their anger. But I do allow it to save me when I need it. Like the rape. And when I was stalked by a guy at work. And when that girl followed me home from school and threatened to throw a knife in the back of my head. And when my mom and dad get a little too abusive.

I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust this side of me. Or at least accept it. That would be a change I'd like to see.

Inside the Mind

I went to a friend's birthday party the other night. And she was with a guy that I have been in love with since I was 15. The friend knew full well I've had feelings for this guy for all these years, yet she loves to rub him in my face, anyway.

I understand why she does it. I've always understood her.

People don't understand why I let her get away with those things. And I won't for long. I'll get sick of it again and cut her off, just as I have in the past. But the reason I put up with her, the reason I let her get away with it is that I understand.

She really does like me. But she also hates me.

As long as other people aren't in the picture, she and I get along fine. But as soon as another person enters the scene, suddenly we're competing to be the best and the center of attention. Only I don't fight. I just smile and be myself, and oh well if that doesn't make the other person see me more than her.

But it does hurt me. Both because she's supposed to be my friend, and because it damages my self-image. I feel for hours and sometimes days afterwards that I'm simply not good enough.

I also see the guy she's now dating for who he really is. He's a very complicated guy, and I have always had the ability to see right through him. Ever since we were kids, I've seen him for what he is. He can charm and fool all the rest of the world, but I always got him. He isn't a smarmy idiot. He isn't a charming, cool person. He isn't nice or friendly.

He's a jerk. He sees the world around him as a giant game of chess, and he's always 6 moves ahead of everyone else. He plays with people's minds and uses words to effect them in ways I've rarely seen anyone able to do. And he's got a strong cruel streak. He likes to hurt people, and he's always been a user. He'll use them up and then move onto the next victim in line.

And I've always refused to be a victim, no matter how I might love him.

He's always been fascinated with me, but also hated me. Because I really see him, while most people don't. They get controlled glimpses, but they don't understand that he only lets them peak in on the parts he knows he can play them into believing won't effect them. I get how he works and that scares him. But it also draws him, because he's never played chess with someone who knows the moves like he does.

Thinking about these two, and how I really see through them into who they really are beneath it all, got me to thinking about character. Characters are a huge part of writing fiction. There is no story if there is no one there to tell it.

Building characters has given me strange insight into how people tick. Because the key to character building (at least in my experience) is backstory. Who are they when the chips are down and the world is going to hell around them? What has happened in their life to shape and mold them into the person they are now? And how will that effect the story I'm telling now?

The same is true in life. If you can look at people, really look without letting emotion blind you, you can see how they tick. You can connect their actions into a much larger framework and see what they have done in the past and what they will do in the future.

It's a very useful skill. It's also a fun game, if you get the hang of it.

Unlike the boy I love, however, I can't just play with people and act like it has no consequences. Seeing how it all fits together has given me deep insight into how my actions effect others, too. What I do to this person will affect their future choices, and I don't want to make them more broken than they already are.

I want to make them better.

This Is Normal???

I was talking to some of the women at work about what had happened (which I covered in my previous post I Know I Said I Wouldn't Do This), and as I talked I found a very uncomfortable trend.

Almost every single woman I spoke to had had at least ONE experience with rape. Most had two or more.

I'm sorry, but am I the only person to find it disturbing to think that RAPE is NORMAL?!?! It happens so often in society (though rarely spoken of in reference to one's self) that most every woman I talked to today could describe a scenario in which she was raped or almost raped within her lifetime.

And they don't talk about it to other people! Which, on the one hand, I can understand. If I weren't such a blunt person, I wouldn't talk about it. Even with my blunt personality, I had to fight the urge to bury it all beneath a fake smile and camouflage the fact that everything had suddenly changed. For someone like me, that's amazing. I say almost everything. I love to communicate and I rarely miss an opportunity to exercise that ability.

So the urge to bury the shame of rape is pretty strong, if it could actually still my tongue for even a day.

This made me think even more. All these women are walking through life brushing up against other women, the vast majority of which have suffered this terrible hell called rape at one time or another. And instead of reaching out to one another and sharing that burden, talking about their experiences and their means of overcoming the emotional repercussions, they allow shame and fear to crush them into silence.

I can't help but wonder if that is part of the reason rape has become "normal".

On top of everything, by talking to all these women who had been through much the same as I had, I found myself feeling stronger and stronger. Because I looked at them and thought to myself: "They don't act terrified all the time. They've moved on with their lives and shaped relationships with other people despite what they went through. They aren't jumping at shadows or crying at the drop of a hat. And if they can manage to do something that amazing, so can I."

So by remaining silent about rape, we are actually denying other women and ourselves the opportunity to heal and find strength. We are crippling these victims from finding the support they need to grow back into confident young women.

Of course, it isn't acceptable to just talk about rape in society. At least, not if it isn't about the most recent news article or serial paperback featuring the subject. Isn't it sad that we have to distance ourselves from the subject to discuss it at all?

And why? From a fear of gossip? Of being blamed? Of being ridiculed?

After all, aren't our own minds doing a good enough job at ridiculing at blaming ourselves as it is?

I may be gossiped about and badmouthed behind my back for admitting to date rape at work. I may be blamed and ridiculed and speculated about. But I don't think I will be. Because I talked to real women today, one on one, about real things that had effected us both as human beings. Rare are the souls who will open themselves up to you in a private setting and then blab your secrets to all who come along. After all, they gave you some of your own ammo from which to fire back.

But even if I am gossiped about for discussing it, I'm glad I did it. I couldn't have collected more useful data from going through years of therapy (been there, done that), internet searches (lots of upbeat articles about how "This Isn't Your Fault"), or books (recommend therapy and not blaming yourself).

These were real women leading real lives every day. They got choked up when they thought about what happened, they nodded their heads when I described my thoughts and emotions, and they completely understood and commiserated with my actions and choices. And they had moved on. They weren't stuck in the past indefinitely. They weren't still wallowing in depression and fear. They had picked up the pieces their lives had become and put them back together to make something beautiful.

So I'd like to dedicate this post to all the women out there who have been through this before. You took a life that had been cracked beyond all seeming repair and somehow glued the pieces together into something amazing. 

I only hope I can be as strong as you.

My Own Worst Enemy

I've never understood what has held me back from being the person I wanted to be. I did a lot of research at the beginning of this life change and tried to find out what that was and make it work this time. And I discovered so many useful things. I found my way to what I needed.

And now it feels like I'm back where I started from. I don't understand it. It's like my own mind and body turned against me just as I got into the swing of things. And I'm not just talking about the emotional mind that sabotages all humans in their pursuits of doing what's best vs. what feels good. I'm talking about literally turning against me: I have a lupus flare and I can't physically do any of the things I need to. Plus, there's the little fact that I am bipolar (no manias, just depression), and I've been terribly depressed the last week or so. Add that in and you have a double whammy.

I'm weak as a kitten physically, my brain thinks nothing but bad thoughts no matter how many times I redirect it, and I feel exhausted, mentally and physically all of the time.

But I NEED this so badly. I have to make this life change happen. I have to make it work. This is that important to me.

Lately, I've been slipping a lot. I think it's because I lost the ability and time to do a lot of my pre-planning. Pre-planning is one of the most important things I've found in my arsenal of change. If I didn't plan ahead of time what will and won't happen, what I'll work on and what I'll ignore, I fail.

I haven't cleaned my room hardly at all. I've maintained it to a certain degree, but no real cleaning. I haven't cleaned the kitchen. I haven't cleaned out my car again. I haven't done my daily routines. I haven't done a lot of things of late.

And jumping right back in right now feels impossible. I tell myself to get up and do it, but my mind and body fight me the entire way. I end up feeling worse when I try than if I didn't.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too broken to succeed.

But then I think about all the people who have made it. Did their problems seem any less insurmountable? When they thought about all it would take to make them succeed, did they ever feel terrified and overwhelmed?

Were they their own worst enemies, too?

I know I spend a lot of my time on this blog complaining about the difficulties. So I'm going to try being more positive and upbeat on here again. I look back at my first posts, and I like what I was writing then. I was full of hope and determination and every word shone with that emotion behind it. Lately, my feelings of inadequacies have come out to play, and my writing has reflected that.

No more.

Complaining, while inevitable, is not what I want to waste my time on. I'm going to get this train back on track, even if it feels impossible. And I'm going to be more positive again. I like that version of me.

But I can't succeed if I'm fighting myself the whole way. I'm going to have to do more research and figure out a way to deal with the physical and mental problems I have. Because they aren't just going to go away and let me succeed. They are here to stay and I'm going to have to cope with them if I want to make this work.

I really want to make this work.

Being Different Than The Rest

They hired a new girl where I work, and my coworker decided to tell her that I'm "eccentric". I told my boss this, and she said, "Oh, I wouldn't term it quite that way. I'd call you unique. And special."

Which pretty much means she agrees.

And, yeah, I know I'm eccentric, unique, special, whatever you want to call it. I'm different than everyone else. I always have been. I haven't been different completely by choice, but I AM different.

Each of us is different, of course. We each have something that makes us unique and special. But, apparently, my uniqueness shines a little brighter than most. At first, I felt vaguely insulted by the fact that she called me eccentric. I acknowledged that she was right, but I felt as though she was saying there was something wrong with me because I'm not like everyone else.

But I've been thinking about it. I've wanted to be special, something different and unique and incredible, my entire life. But then I would seek a goal contrary to that desire: I tried to fit in.

Not very well, obviously, but I did try.

It turns out, in my life-long search of being special, I've been fighting myself. Because I also want to be accepted and loved by everyone else, and so I try to fit in with them.

So I think it's past time for me to stop viewing other people calling me different as an insult. It's a compliment. That means I'm actually headed in the right direction towards what I've always wanted: to be incredible.

What do you think? Do you think being different is a good thing?

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised and stretched once today. Meditated and worked on my writing twice.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a haiku.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did not stick to my diet.
6. Cooked breakfast and dinner.
7. Drew. 

True Happiness

I read a poem today by a young woman who sounded very troubled. Her entire poem was a description of her thoughts while staring at herself in the mirror. She describes herself demanding her own image to become thinner, calling it ugly and disgusting, and she ends the poem with the sentence: I know I will never be happy.

And she's right. If nothing changes, she never will be.

Because this young woman is looking for happiness in all the wrong places, she will never attain it. Because she sees that her own self-worth is inexplicably connected to her appearance and not her personality or love, she will never discover what it is to be happy.

And that is a sad, sad thing. No one should face a life without happiness. That isn't living; that's waiting to die.

I have long believed that happiness was something you could create, if you really wanted to. That it lay inside yourself, and wasn't something external or tangible. That was one of the most important lessons my mother ever taught me.

But the media and marketing professionals say otherwise. They say happiness comes from eating junk, driving nice cars, living in expensive houses, and being beautiful/dating beautiful people. They say you have to live like a millionaire and look like a supermodel to be happy.

And so many people, especially young people, believe these lies. I have a friend I know who hardly eats anything at all. Her doctor told her that if she doesn't start eating more, he'll be calling the police to report her for attempted suicide, her nutrition is so bad.

But she refuses to take his warnings. She tells all of us that she likes the way she is now, and she'll start eating again when she loses 40 more pounds. 40 more pounds! Now, she isn't stick skinny, by the world's standards, but the girl barely has any meat on her bones as it is. If she lost 40 pounds, she'd be nothing but bones!

It isn't the fact that she isn't stick skinny that is this girl's problem. It isn't the fact that she doesn't have tons of money. This girl's problem is that she has tied her sense of self-worth to someone else's ideal. She thinks she isn't good enough as she is; she must lose weight by any means necessary.

She must be beautiful to be happy.

I wish I could explain to the world that this simply isn't true. I wish I could get a message out there that to be happy is to LIVE happy. You think happy thoughts, you do fun things, and you enjoy your life, no matter the problems or flaws. If you believe you're happy, even if you're lying at first, you WILL BE. Losing 40 pounds doesn't make you happy. Getting rid of acne doesn't make you happy. Looking great in a swimsuit doesn't make you happy. Dwelling on the positive, good things in life makes you happy! Treating the negative, bad things as aberrations in a wonderful world makes you happy!

I challenge anyone out there who is reading this: walk up to the most beautiful person you know and ask them if they are happy with their life. Ask them if they are happy with their body/face. Ask them if beauty has brought them pleasure or pain.

If they are honest, nine times out of ten you'll get a no, no, and more pain than pleasure. Because beauty can be just as much a curse as a blessing. Think on any famous, beautiful person in history. Cleopatra didn't live happily ever after with her love; they both killed themselves in a cave while an army hunted for their heads. Marilyn Monroe didn't live happily ever after; she committed suicide. And how many celebrity marriages (between some of the most beautiful people in the world) have you seen end in divorce, scandal, and misery? How many have you seen NOT?

And yet people still don't believe. That someone who is poor and ugly can be a million times happier than a beautiful, rich person is beyond imagining. It goes against the laws of the media, and god forbid we do that.

I know. It's easy to say these things, but far more difficult to convince our emotional brains that it's true. I suffer from thoughts of self-hatred and I watch the same media as the rest. I'm brainwashed, too.

But is that just the way it has to be? Is that the future we condemn our next generation to? Is that what we want the human race to be guided by for the next 100 years?

I'm sorry, but this poem disturbed me greatly. And I believe it should disturb all of us. This is what people think today. This is an affliction that millions suffer from. If something doesn't change, we're looking at a future of miserable human beings who don't even know what it means to LIVE.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, organized my desk, and did some laundry.
5. Stuck to my diet.
6. Made a smoothie for breakfast, cooked lunch, and fixed dinner.
7. Drew.

The Road Once Travelled

What kind of achievements have you accomplished in the past?

I was reading today in This Year I Will... (another great book) that creating a list of achievements that you have succeeded at in the past helps you see what strengths and skills you have to bring to the change you wish to make now. And it sounds pretty smart, so I thought I'd make a small list of my own, and encourage all of you to do the same.

1. I have finished the first draft of my first book in the series.
2. I have finished the outlines of the first 10 books in the series.
3. I have said no to drugs and smoking.
4. I have worked in retail despite my social anxiety.
5. I have performed in 2 plays.
6. I have controlled my anger to an extreme degree my entire life.

All of those accomplishments were done by me. Not someone else. Me. And they took strength, courage, passion, love, and determination. They took self-control, coping mechanisms, adaptation, willingness to see all sides of a story, and positive thinking.

And those are all things I can turn towards my new life change to help make it happen.

What have you done, and what are the skills that it took to accomplish that? Can those skills help you on your current problem?

Hope you find this as interesting as I did!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Did NOT stay on my diet today.
6. Cooked breakfast.
7. Drew. 

What's Wrong?

I may be a good writer now. But I'm not great. And I desperately need to be great. I believe my key to greatness is criticism.

If I want to grow, I'm going to have to ruthlessly work on the things I'm bad at. I've been tackling the consistency problem I've had, but it's time to identify other weaknesses in my writing and start targeting those behaviors, too. Only by identifying them and working through them can I hope to get better.

I know I can do it. For once in my life, I finally view criticism as a good thing, instead of a self-esteem bashing. I have to use it to grow, instead of viewing it as some kind of proof that I'm not good enough as I am. That's my path to greatness.

So, if any of you readers out there can identify where I need improvement, I'd dearly appreciate it. I'd also appreciate it if you know of any sites where I can join and have my work critiqued by other writers. I'd like to start working on my writing in full force now.

I'm going to need YOUR help to do it.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, did not write a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Cooked my lunch and breakfast and dinner.
7. Drew.

Fighting Depression

I'm a very happy person. Or so I've been told. Over and over again, all of my life.

And I am a happy person. When I'm not depressed. But depression has plagued me most of my life. It's a terrible disease that haunts my thoughts. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or trapped, depression seems to reach up and swallow me whole.

It steals my life away. It steals my energy and dreams. It steals my love for myself. It steals my hope and kindness away.

It's a dirty, rotten thief, and I refuse to allow it make itself at home in me any longer.

Of course, I know I'm going to get depressed. I'll probably be depressed tomorrow. But I won't let it beat me. I won't let it stop me. I won't let it steal those things from me anymore. It may break into my life, but that's no reason for me to ask it to pull up a chair and stay for a while.

It shocks people when I tell them I suffer from depression. I seem so nice, so peppy, so full of hope, they say. Most people don't seem to realize that all of that comes with a dark side. If you can feel the good emotions that vividly, if life can ever be that bright, then it goes to reason that the opposite is true. You can feel the bad emotions just as vividly as the good, and life can be inexplicably dark when the brightness fades away.

It's beautiful and it's terrible. So, if there is anyone else out there suffering with their darker side tonight, I want to remind you of something Annie once said: the sun will come out tomorrow. She will be bright and beautiful when she rises. And isn't the dark worth that, when all is said and done?

If you never let it beat you.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made pizza this morning and fixed my lunch and snack for work.

My Superpower

I was thinking to myself on the way to the hospital to see my mom and I realized something. I have an incredible superpower.

Unfortunately, it isn't something cool like telekinesis or technopathy.

I have the amazing ability to create worlds and characters and stories in my head. I can go anywhere I want to, just by thinking about it. I can feel any emotion I want to, have any relationship I want to, be any person I want to, just by imagining it. I'm incredibly creative, and my brain never stops wanting to create something else. It churns out ideas at an unrealistic rate.

But I don't do anything with it.

I spend most of my time inside my imagination, creating and pretending and building inside my mind where it does no one, not even me, any kind of good. I read books and watch TV in a strange attempt to direct my imagination so it doesn't go directions I don't want it to. And then I do puzzles and play games so that my brain's too busy to create, just to turn it off for a while.

But I never use my gift, my superpower, to benefit. I've tried writing, tried to make it direct my imagination in a constructive fashion. And I fell head over heals in love with the method. I found that writing opened up my imagination in ways I never dreamed. And it directed my focus, so that my mind didn't wander.

But then I grow bored. I want to move onto something else. And the book is never finished.

When I started the series I'm currently working on, I determined that wasn't going to happen this time. And it hasn't. It's been around 2-3 years since I first started designing this novel and I haven't allowed myself to get distracted yet.

I've decided, though, that the only way I'm ever going to see my superpower benefit myself and others, is if I direct it towards my goals mercilessly. I can't allow myself to imagine and create whenever and wherever I want. I need control.

Control is one of the few things I don't find easy to create.

Small periods of control are easy. It's the long-term that I can't seem to manage. But this new life change is all about changing that. Shaping my mind and my life the way I want them to be.

So that's my next concentration. I'm going to continue on with my goals (drawing daily is my next goal and it starts on 4/25), but I'm going to do so with an overall thought in mind: I want the ability to turn my superpower on and off at will.

I refuse to let it rule my life. It's time for me to take control.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed and did some laundry.
5. Kept to my diet.
6. Made pizza and lots of vegetables and fruits for lunch.

Write It Down (And Then Do It)

Is there anything you want to accomplish with your life? With this year? With this week? Today? This minute?

Then stop what you're doing. Go on. Take your eyes off the computer screen and get a notebook out.

Done that? Now write down what you want to do with your time. Write down, in detail, a specific goal you want to accomplish. Finished yet? Then give yourself a time limit to accomplish that goal.

Having a day and time that you have to achieve that goal makes it suddenly much scarier, doesn't it? I've found both in my writing and in real life planning, everything becomes more real if you write it down and plan it out. And real is a heck of a lot more terrifying than fantasy.

But real is what you live. Real is possible. Fantasy is just a hazy wish you dream about before you go to sleep at night. If you ever want your life to become that dream, you're going to have to make it real.

Is that enough, however? Can you just give yourself a general goal and a deadline and voila, you're a success? Of course not!

You're going to have to plan. A lot.

Take that general goal and break it down into many, smaller goals. Once you've finished that, give yourself a mini-deadline for each of your small goals. Be conservative; it's better to have too much time allotted than not enough in this exercise.

Now look at your coming schedule. What time do you have available for this activity? How can you fit your goal pursuits into your daily life? Obviously you're going to have to give up something to make your goal happen. Because if you didn't have your time wasted on something else, you'd already have accomplished the goal by now.

So do an honest evaluation of your life. Is there something you could cut back on, just a bit, to fit your new activities in? Is there anything you can cut completely?

Write down any decisions you make about your decisions here, too. The human brain is a funny thing. Writing your goals and decisions down on paper has shown to make people more susceptible to implementing those changes.

Having said that, I don't want any of you to mistake my meaning. Once you write it down, you're still going to have to do it. You have to get up and walk away from the pen and paper and actually accomplish something if you want to succeed at your goals. But writing them down is an excellent strategy at changing the way you think about those changes. It takes something that seems like a fantasy and brings it into reality.

And no one knows how incredibly hard that is to do better than a writer.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on diet (improved my vegetable and fruit eating!).
6. Cooked breakfast, fixed my lunch, and fixed myself dinner.

Following The Rules

So I was watching a show on Netflix (The Finder), and the main character said something that really hit me. He was discussing another character on the show who is a thief and a gypsy, and he says that trying to make her into a rule-abiding citizen will never work. She had both nature and nurture against her already. No one and nothing was going to change that part of her.

But he didn't mean for anyone to give up hope. Instead, he said something very meaningful. Instead of teaching her to follow the rules, you need to teach her the difference between right and wrong.

I've thought on this subject before when I've delved into what I call humanities greatest gift: the ability to see the big picture. And I've condemned our societies' means of teaching their children incessant rules instead of showing them how to see how their actions affect the big picture. Essentially, we aren't teaching our children the difference between right and wrong; we're teaching them to do what they're told.

Not exactly healthy, for them or for our society.

Of course, I'm not recommending we get rid of rules entirely. That would lead to absolute anarchy. But we should teach our children much more than just "Do this." and "Don't do that."

It's kind of like having a disease, and when you get to the hospital, the doctor prescribes a treatment to fix the symptoms you present instead of trying to find the cause. Sure, diarrhea and high fever have to be treated immediately because they can kill you faster than the disease will, but do you just send the patient home after you've treated the symptoms? No, you look for the cause and you administer a treatment for that, too.

The same is true in how we approach humanities' weakness: the inability to deny immediate gratification for the overall good. We teach our children rules and to follow the law, even though we know all the rules have exceptions and the law is flawed. And then we expect them to grow up to be law-abiding adults who know the difference between right and wrong.

Far too many times they don't.

The show went on to say how the main character believes the criminal should be taught the difference between right and wrong: let her see a lot of rights and let her see a lot of wrongs.

And that clicked for me. Because if you see a lot of rights and a lot of wrongs, you're going to start seeing patterns. The brain is designed to pick these up and use the information to protect itself, and this circumstance is no exception. When you see the effects of right and wrong first hand, the long and short term consequences to those actions, your brain picks up the patterns and trains itself to pick them up in your life.

That trains you to see how your actions affect the big picture.

I don't have kids. So, I can't judge those who do. But if and when I do have kids of my own, I hope I remember this lesson. I don't want to teach my children to follow rules; I want to teach my children to see the difference between right and wrong. To see the big picture.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed, did a load of dishes, and did laundry.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Cooked my dinner and breakfast and fixed my lunch for work.

10 Ways to Meditate

I remember when I first started meditating. It was only a little over 2 months ago, so it isn't hard, but it feels like forever ago. I remember feeling as though I was attempting something foreign and completely unknown.

I told myself it would be easy. I mean, how hard could sitting still and thinking about nothing but breathing be?

Turns out, pretty hard.

In fact, I've never grown to like that particular meditation. But I quickly discovered there are many other meditations out there to try. Here's just a few to peak your interest:

1.) Body scan meditation.

This one is my favorite. I lay still with my eyes closed and simply concentrate on one body part at a time. I repeat phrases like "I am my feet (or whatever body part I'm concentrating on)." and explore the sensations there until I can feel everything there without having to try. Then I move on to the next part it's connected to.

I start at my feet and move my way up until I reach my head. Each part is given special attention and any thoughts that intrude are brushed away and my concentration returns to my immediate concern. At the end, I concentrate on feeling my body in its entirety, and see how it feels to inhabit my own skin in the present moment.

What I love about this meditation is how incredibly relaxing it is. Because you concentrate on each body part without judging, it relaxes automatically without any interference from your mind.

2.) Walking meditation.

You can do this meditation anywhere really. Just get up and walk. Think the word inhale as you inhale, then count how many steps it takes for you to exhale. Repeat this over and over again as you walk.

I was amazed by how helpful this was at work. It's more of a mini-meditation for me, as I use it at my job to break up the stress of the day, but you can use it as a larger meditation if you like long walks in the wilderness or the like. It really helps you deal with hard days.

3.) Observational meditation.

This one is a little harder to do than the others, so you may want to try something else first. But it's relatively simple in theory. You simply count 6 exhales, and then start watching your thoughts. Label each thought with a name. Then make each thought as vivid as possible, picturing the thought as a living thing outside your body. Watch it for a while and then decide if you want to keep this thought or not. If you decide it is doing you harm, picture yourself pushing it away from yourself, building a wall between you and it, or simply deleting it from existence. Whatever imagery works for you, get rid of the thought.

You may have to brush the thought aside multiple times at first. But eventually your control will improve and the push will come easier.

What's incredible about this meditation is how it allows you to control your thoughts much deeper in real life than you ever thought possible. Once your brain has been trained to get rid of thoughts you don't want to have, the means of doing so is surprisingly easy.

4.) Emotional exploration meditation.

This is the same as the previous exercise, except this time you should observe your emotions instead of your thoughts. Whether you believe that each thought provokes an emotion or that each emotion provokes a thought, this exercise will help you control and identify your emotions.

Count 6 exhales before you start. Then go into your thoughts, merely observing. Don't get too caught up in the thoughts, just watch them as they go. Now, go deeper and find your emotions behind the thoughts. Go through and label the emotions you are feeling, one by one. Identify where they come from and explore what each feels like in its entirety, without judgment or fear of reprisal. Don't try to brush emotions aside as you did the thoughts, but do control what thoughts spring from these emotions. Reject any thoughts you don't like, and throw yourself into the emotion as much as you can without actually feeling it.

A great accompaniment to this meditation is to be extra-conscious of your emotions throughout your day. Take time to label thoughts throughout your day with an emotion and take time to have periodic checks to see what you are feeling right then, in that moment.

This is great for those of us who are extra sensitive (like me!). It helps you see how your emotions work and what the process is that you're going through. Controlling your reactions to emotions, and embracing them for what they are, are the first steps to being free from the power they hold over you.

5.) Cleaning meditation.

If you're one of those people who simply doesn't have the time to just sit still and do nothing, then this meditation is for you! Just go about a normal daily chore, but do it with one slight difference: instead of trying to finish the chore quickly to move on, absorb yourself completely with the physicality of it. Feel the washcloth as it washes the dishes. Feel every moment as it happens, dismissing any thoughts of what you have to do later or what happened last night at your friend's party. Just feel the moment right now.

This one is pretty simple and can have as meaningful an effect on your life as though you did carve out the time to meditate each day!

6.) Mantra meditation.

This is the one most of us see in the movies. In this meditation, you sit still and chant a mantra over and over again. It doesn't have to be out loud, but it does need to be simple and meaningful to you. Many people choose the word omm, for it's traditional purposes, but you can repeat any phrase or sound that appeals to you to repeat.

A great part of this meditation is repeating a positive affirmation in it. It's funny how much your brain begins to believe something if you say it enough times. So, you can kill two birds with one stone with this meditation and increase your positive thinking, too!

7.) Compassion meditation.

I've never tried this one myself, as I feel I suffer from too much compassion at the moment, but I feel it will definitely be added to my repertoir at some point in the future. There are several different kinds of compassion meditations, but here's the one I liked the most:

First, you call to mind your own self and say silently “May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I be free.” Next, call to mind someone you love, and say the same, but replace the Is with yous, obviously. Next, call to mind someone who is pissing you off or making you sad, and do it for them. From there, you can extend this meditation out to the entire world (“may all beings everywhere be happy” etc.). This part loses some people. If you’re one of them, then when you’re done with the person who you’re upset with, do someone else you love so you end on a good note.

This meditation is said to give people a more understanding and compassionate outlook on life and the people they deal with each day. It can definitely be a useful exercise when you're angry with one of your loved ones, or just upset in general.

8.) 100 Breaths meditation.

Okay, so this is just the breathing meditation we talked about not having to do, right? Except it isn't. In this meditation, you count each breath (that is, an inhale AND an exhale) until you reach the number 100. It sounds a LOT easier than it is because it's so simple to lose count due to thoughts coming along and distracting you from the numbers.

This is a great exercise if you want to learn how to control your concentration and focus for long periods of time. I hate it, myself, but I think it benefits my mind and so I stretch it with a few applications of it regularly.

9.) Focus meditation.

In this meditation, you sit and focus intently on an object outside of yourself. So, instead of observing your thoughts or feelings, you observe an object. Very popular objects to observe are flames and water.

This is a great meditation to stretch your focus. It keeps you thinking on something monotonous and mundane rather than the constant flow of life we get so used to.

10.) Spiritual meditation.

Meditation doesn't have to be spiritual, but it can be. You can experience it in the form of prayer if you so desire. Just pray as usual and concentrate on your words.


Meditation isn't always easy, but everyone can do it. It just takes practice and determination. And don't worry if your thoughts don't stay where you want them. Most people's don't. Even very experienced meditators suffer from that problem. Just remember that it's better to spend 10 minutes of your time redirecting your thoughts than it is allowing them to do whatever they want when you aren't looking.

Well, that's all the motivational speaking I have in me tonight. Good luck to everyone on learning meditation. I hope it proves as incredible an experience for you as it has been for me!

Daily Stats:

 

1. Stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today, but only exercised tonight.
2. Wrote in my journal, kept to my budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Stayed on my diet.
6. Made my lunch. 

Immediate Gratification

I believe that one of the few things that separates humanity from so-called lesser species such as dogs and chickens is our ability to connect the immediate surroundings into a much bigger picture. We understand that our actions in this moment have both rewards and consequences, and the outcome is dependent on us. We see how the past, present, and future come together to represent the world. We understand how seemingly small actions of an individual can impact the entire species and planet as a whole.

We can see the forest for the trees, as it were.

When you think about this gift, it's truly amazing. We have the ability to connect every single action of our lives into a map, cataloging what makes us do the things we do. We can catalog our DNA and show why our genetics make us do what we do. We can study history and see how that has lead to the incredible advancements we have today.

And we have incredible resources to expand this ability with! Go to the library, use a search engine, or surf the internet on sites like tumblr, and you can learn virtually anything you've ever wanted to know.

This ability we have is truly amazing. WE'RE amazing.

Except we never use it when it matters most.

Think about it. When you go to the store and see that chocolate cake you love so much. Do you stop and think about the potential health problems eating that cake could cause? Do you stop and question the cost of that cake and how it will impact your budget? Or do you think about how good it will taste and reach for the cake?

And what about that room you know you should get up and organize? Or that exercise you promised yourself you were going to do to improve your chances of survival? What about the meditation, the yoga, or the millions of hobbies you promised this time you were going to make stick?

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I'm saying this to get you thinking. Humanity is an amazing species. We have abilities that haven't been recorded in any other species that has been observed. And yet, when it comes to so many of our life choices, we are just like animals, reacting on instinct and what feels good right now, regardless of the possible negative impacts it could have on our lives later.

What's worse, unlike the animals, we actually know better. We can see the big picture. We can understand how eating that cake, not exercising, or doing one of a billion of other illogical choices we make each day impact our future and the possible future of our species and planet. And we do it anyway.

Why? Because it feels good. Smoking, rain forest degradation, the damage to the ozone, political problems, and every other sin you could possibly name throughout human history can all be sourced back to the same problem:

Humanities inability to deny themselves immediate gratification (what feels good right now) in order to reap the rewards of the overall good.

When I use the word good in this case, I mean what connects to the world, the human species, and to your own life in the least negative and most positive way possible. Does it have more benefits than consequences? Will it be worth the cost?

So, next time you're making a decision about something, even something relatively small in your life, I encourage you to stop a second and ask yourself two questions first. Am I wanting to do this because it will make me feel good for a short period of time or because it will benefit my life long-term? Does this have any possible consequences that could hurt myself or the human species as a whole in some way?

Those questions push you to look at the big picture, access that amazing human ability to see how it all connects, and make a conscious decision of what is REALLY best for you. You might be a little amazed in how much it changes your thinking.

It's the only thing I think is keeping me going in this lifestyle change.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercise, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Made my bed.
5. Tested some of the dietary changes I'm planning to make.

No Turning Back Now

 So I was reading books on diet and budgeting (really good ones!) and it suddenly hit me. There is no turning back from this change now.

I know it probably sounds weird, but it's like I reached the point of no return people talk about so much in the movies. Where the helicopter or plane's engine has used over half of their tank of gas. They can't turn back because they could never make it back without running out of gas and crashing to the ground.

That's how I feel.

Because I know now. I know that spending all your money to the point where you live from paycheck to paycheck is stupid. I know that not budgeting your money and planning where it goes means that you will have no control over your spending habits. I know that using credit cards is financial suicide. I know that diet and exercise truly lead to better health. I know that I will develop heart disease, diabetes, and strokes if I don't change my diet. I know that my health problems in life are a consequence of my unhealthy eating choices.

I know what healthy eating choices are and how to implement them. I know how to exercise and how easy it is to fit it in if you really want to. I know that a little discomfort can make you feel better than comfort ever could. I know that energy isn't a magic wish that just appears, and my choices in diet and exercise determine how much energy I have each day. I know that my mental health is dangerously low and my self-esteem is almost nonexistent. I know that those two factors are leading causes to failure in life.

I know that if I don't pursue my passion, it will never happen for me.

And that knowledge comes with a price. Now that I know, I can never go back to blissful ignorance. I can never ignore the impact of what I do and what I don't do. I cannot unsee the connections between my actions and my life. I can't take this life change back and fall back into what was because it was never what I thought it was. I was ignorant then. But I'm not anymore.

And that changes everything.

It's scary to realize that you can't fall back on your old pattern of behavior if this new pattern doesn't work. It's scary to realize how wrong you were before. It's scary to realize how wrong you probably still are.

But there is no turning back. And while that may be terrifying, it's also kind of wonderful. Because that means I'm succeeding. I'm changing my life, permanently.

I'm making this happen. And that's amazing.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing twice today. Jogging day #2.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog today.
4. Made my bed, did some laundry, did a load of dishes, and cleaned the microwave.

Poisonous Fear

My mother was telling me today of how she has tried and failed to do what I'm doing now when she was my age. And she isn't the only one. My coworkers have been telling me how they've tried to reach their own goals as I am but have found that "something" always gets in the way and stops them.

I've decided that "something" is really only one thing: you.

You are your own worst enemy. You are the only thing standing between you and your dreams. You are the only obstacle in your path to greatness.

Because of things like fear and doubt, you give up when things get difficult, believing those ugly, little thoughts in the back of your mind. "You're not good enough." "You can't do this; you're fooling yourself." "You're going to look like an idiot." "You deserve the mediocre life you live."

I know. Because I am having those same thoughts.

I'm so afraid I'm going to fail. That I'm going to be stuck in this life I don't want to stay in. Sure, it's a good place to be for my temporary goals, but long-term? No way!

I'm afraid I can't get out. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid I'm going to look like an idiot. I'm afraid I'm going to be like my mom and my coworkers, advising some future dreamer that "something" is going to come between them and greatness.

If I let it, these doubts and fears will hold me back. They'll stop me from reaching my goals. From flying with my dreams.

I refuse to let it.

I will do this. I am good enough. I deserve to live my dreams. And I'm not an idiot.

And do you know why? Because when all is said and done, I'm more afraid of what I'll become if I don't do this than what might happen if I do. Success might not be certain in this life change of mine, but failure is sure if I don't even try to make it.

Fear can poison you or it can drive you to even greater heights. Regardless, you will be afraid. What you do with that fear all depends on you.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, and meditated twice today. Only worked on writing tonight, however.
2. Wrote in my journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog today.
4. Picked up in my room, made my bed, vacuumed living room, den, bedroom, hallway, and bathroom, cleaned bathroom sink, toilet, and mirror, and worked on laundry. 

The Death of a Blog

I used to write another blog. It was called Kyla's Not Normal. I was initially quite excited about it. I wanted to share the writing experience with everyone, just as I wanted to share my story.

But mostly I wanted to create an author's presence on the web.

I really want to make it as an author. I have dreamed of sharing my stories with the world since I was 5 years old. Because there were things I saw and felt that other people simply didn't. I went to other worlds, and I dragged my friends there with me. They weren't upset about it for long. Very shortly, they were having as good a time as I was!

I've wanted to share those worlds and characters on a much larger scale ever since. And a blog was just another tool I used to reach that goal.

It isn't a terrible reason. But the blog was a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. Plus, when I didn't feel it was working, or that my work was going fast enough, it made it far too easy to drop the blog in favor of things like boys and partying.

This time I want it to be different. I don't want to set myself up to fail again. Each post on this blog is an accomplishment in and of itself without anyone commenting, and without my presence as an author being enlarged. Each comment is an opportunity for growth and expression. Each time it's hard to log on and update my blog? That's a challenge and an opportunity to show how much I've grown since the last one.

I blog because I believe it's good for me. I blog because I enjoy it.

And I still hope to make it as an author. But that's not what it's all about anymore. It's about becoming a better person. Becoming great.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Did not exercise or stretch today, but meditated and worked on my writing.
2. Wrote in journal, stayed on budget, and wrote a poem today.
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Didn't clean at all.

The Weak Points

Some of you out there may have noticed something about every single one of my blog posts: I finish them with a listing of my daily stats of what I did to reach my goals that day. This is a way for me to stay accountable for my actions. No, I don't lie on those stats to impress anyone; that would be missing the whole point. This is my personal improvement exercise. To lie would only be cheating myself of any improvement I could reap from it.

If you have been reading, you might have noticed that I have a few consistent weak points. There are two of the four goals that I find the most difficult to implement in my life. And neither of them have come as a shock to me.

Budgeting and cleaning are not things I enjoy. I doubt many of you reading this enjoy them, either. But I'm trying to face them, head on, to improve my life.

I'm still quite weak at those goals, though. I don't always stay on budget, I don't plan my budget as in-depth as I really should, I don't clean as much as I need to, and I don't make major cleaning projects the priority on my days off work as I planned. These are my weak points. These are the areas of my change plan that need the most work.

Studies have shown that people who spend most of their time in practice working on their weak points, show more improvement overall than those who spend a more balanced time dedicated to everything. Why? Because focus really does make a difference. All those multi-tasking benefits we've heard of? All lies.

 My main focus of late has been on budgeting. Mostly because I believe if I can rein in my spending habits, I can eventually afford some of the more expensive goals I have planned for later. After I get that under some control, I'm going to tackle my cleaning and organizational habits.

So, if anyone out there is wondering why I'm not moving on to goals 5 and 6 yet, this is why. Until I've improved in the budgeting and cleaning spheres, adding new goals will be left on hold. That's just common sense.

Daily Stats:

 

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing this morning. Too sick to exercise and stretch tonight (strep), so I only meditated and worked on my writing.
2. Wrote in journal, planned budget for my next 2 weeks, and wrote a poem.
3. Posted on blog.
4. Absolutely no cleaning done.