I went to a friend's birthday party the other night. And she was with a guy that I have been in love with since I was 15. The friend knew full well I've had feelings for this guy for all these years, yet she loves to rub him in my face, anyway.
I understand why she does it. I've always understood her.
People don't understand why I let her get away with those things. And I won't for long. I'll get sick of it again and cut her off, just as I have in the past. But the reason I put up with her, the reason I let her get away with it is that I understand.
She really does like me. But she also hates me.
As long as other people aren't in the picture, she and I get along fine. But as soon as another person enters the scene, suddenly we're competing to be the best and the center of attention. Only I don't fight. I just smile and be myself, and oh well if that doesn't make the other person see me more than her.
But it does hurt me. Both because she's supposed to be my friend, and because it damages my self-image. I feel for hours and sometimes days afterwards that I'm simply not good enough.
I also see the guy she's now dating for who he really is. He's a very complicated guy, and I have always had the ability to see right through him. Ever since we were kids, I've seen him for what he is. He can charm and fool all the rest of the world, but I always got him. He isn't a smarmy idiot. He isn't a charming, cool person. He isn't nice or friendly.
He's a jerk. He sees the world around him as a giant game of chess, and he's always 6 moves ahead of everyone else. He plays with people's minds and uses words to effect them in ways I've rarely seen anyone able to do. And he's got a strong cruel streak. He likes to hurt people, and he's always been a user. He'll use them up and then move onto the next victim in line.
And I've always refused to be a victim, no matter how I might love him.
He's always been fascinated with me, but also hated me. Because I really see him, while most people don't. They get controlled glimpses, but they don't understand that he only lets them peak in on the parts he knows he can play them into believing won't effect them. I get how he works and that scares him. But it also draws him, because he's never played chess with someone who knows the moves like he does.
Thinking about these two, and how I really see through them into who they really are beneath it all, got me to thinking about character. Characters are a huge part of writing fiction. There is no story if there is no one there to tell it.
Building characters has given me strange insight into how people tick. Because the key to character building (at least in my experience) is backstory. Who are they when the chips are down and the world is going to hell around them? What has happened in their life to shape and mold them into the person they are now? And how will that effect the story I'm telling now?
The same is true in life. If you can look at people, really look without letting emotion blind you, you can see how they tick. You can connect their actions into a much larger framework and see what they have done in the past and what they will do in the future.
It's a very useful skill. It's also a fun game, if you get the hang of it.
Unlike the boy I love, however, I can't just play with people and act like it has no consequences. Seeing how it all fits together has given me deep insight into how my actions effect others, too. What I do to this person will affect their future choices, and I don't want to make them more broken than they already are.
I want to make them better.
Some of you out there may have noticed something about every single one of my blog posts: I finish them with a listing of my daily stats of what I did to reach my goals that day. This is a way for me to stay accountable for my actions. No, I don't lie on those stats to impress anyone; that would be missing the whole point. This is my personal improvement exercise. To lie would only be cheating myself of any improvement I could reap from it.
If you have been reading, you might have noticed that I have a few consistent weak points. There are two of the four goals that I find the most difficult to implement in my life. And neither of them have come as a shock to me.
Budgeting and cleaning are not things I enjoy. I doubt many of you reading this enjoy them, either. But I'm trying to face them, head on, to improve my life.
I'm still quite weak at those goals, though. I don't always stay on budget, I don't plan my budget as in-depth as I really should, I don't clean as much as I need to, and I don't make major cleaning projects the priority on my days off work as I planned. These are my weak points. These are the areas of my change plan that need the most work.
Studies have shown that people who spend most of their time in practice working on their weak points, show more improvement overall than those who spend a more balanced time dedicated to everything. Why? Because focus really does make a difference. All those multi-tasking benefits we've heard of? All lies.
My main focus of late has been on budgeting. Mostly because I believe if I can rein in my spending habits, I can eventually afford some of the more expensive goals I have planned for later. After I get that under some control, I'm going to tackle my cleaning and organizational habits.
So, if anyone out there is wondering why I'm not moving on to goals 5 and 6 yet, this is why. Until I've improved in the budgeting and cleaning spheres, adding new goals will be left on hold. That's just common sense.
Daily Stats:
- Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on writing this morning. Too sick to exercise and stretch tonight (strep), so I only meditated and worked on my writing.
- Wrote in journal, planned budget for my next 2 weeks, and wrote a poem.
- Posted on blog.
- Absolutely no cleaning done.
In my last post, I talked about focus. Well, this post is all about our means of directing your focus. The best part? The same methods used against you to alter your focus to immediate gratification may be used to direct your attention towards the ultimate goal you truly want to attain in your life.
I actually discovered them in the book entitled Change Anything, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.
According to this book, there are six sources of motivation (which I believe is more about focus than anything) and they are: personal motivation, personal ability, social motivation, social ability, structural motivation, and structural ability.
What do these mean? Well, I'll walk you through them one by one, and tell you how I'm using each one of these motivating factors in my life.
The first is personal motivation. You have to connect with the overall goal in your crucial moments (that is, when you're about to give into temptation) and focus on what you want for your future rather than what you want right now. I implement this motivating factor with abstract thinking. I keep my goal and ultimate desire (to be a healthy, happy, and successful writer someday) in the forefront of my mind as much as I possibly can. Then, it's easy to pull up to the front of my mind when I want to remember not to be tempted.
I also make it more specific. I want to be a prolific, self-employed writer who doesn't have to rely on secular work to pay the bills. I want to be self-sufficient, always learning, and have finished my main project's books by the age of 30. Keeping this vision vivid gives me more to draw from when I'm tempted to stray.
The second is personal ability. This refers to the skills you need to tackle the task at hand. Chances are your life before now hasn't prepared you for the new life you wish to take on (mine certainly hasn't). So, you must learn new skills to pull from and use to reach your goal.
I'm learning all kinds of new skills to help me with my goals. Exercise, meditation, organization, budgeting. The list goes on and on. The important factor is that you learn them so that you have a bigger chance of success at whatever you're working towards.
The third is social motivation. We are who we hang out with. Our mothers told us this when we were kids, but we refused to believe her. But it's true! What you see as the norm (as in, who you associate with) is what you view as the desired goal for yourself. So, if you hang out with people who complain a lot, you'll find that you do, too.
You'll also find the reverse is true. If you're around positive, peppy people, you'll feel more positive and happy.
The fourth is social ability. This means that change is a difficult thing to do on one's own. Humans are social animals and we like to do things in a group. If you have support, encouragement, and guidance from those around you, you're far more likely to succeed.
I'm implementing the third and the fourth of these motivators by talking with my existing friends about my changes and starting this blog in hopes of meeting those with similar goals.
The fifth is structural motivation. If you link short-term rewards and punishments to your changes, you'll be far more likely to succeed. I implemented this by allowing myself to get that game I've been wanting only after I had kept to my routine for half a month. I also don't allow myself to eat out at a higher priced restaurant until I've managed to keep below budget the rest of the week.
The sixth and final motivator on the list is structural ability. This has more to do with your environment. What are the things in your life influencing you to do? If you have a tv at the center of your room with all the surrounding materials based upon it, you're not going to get much else but watching tv done. However, studies have shown that the closer your treadmill is to your television set, the more exercising you'll get done.
I implemented this motivator by organizing my room and, most importantly, straightening my desk so that my writing has plenty of space to be laid out there. It makes it much more inviting and tempting to sit down and get to work. I also cleared out my floor so that I had plenty of room to work out there.
If you'd like to see the scientific studies the researchers did that lead them to these conclusions, check out this book at amazon.com or your local library.
Daily Stats:
- Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
- Wrote in my journal and did NOT stay on budget again today.
- Posted on my blog.
- Picked up in my room a little.
Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.
-William Shakespeare
Or, in more modern terms, some people are MADE to be great. We can't all be born that way, and with my low achievement past, I'd say I wasn't. But that doesn't mean I can't ever be.
I can make myself into whoever and whatever I want to be. Which brings me to why I'm here, tonight, starting a new blog.
I want to change my life.
Who doesn't want to change a thing or two in their lives? And we all swear that someday, we're going to do it. We're going to pursue our dream profession; we're going to exercise more; we're going to eat better; we're going to work harder at our jobs. But we'll do all of those things tomorrow.
Well, my tomorrows have come and went and no change has been seen. I still haven't finished my books, I still haven't become a regular, steady blogger, I've never kept to an exercise schedule, and I've never believed that I even COULD stick to a diet regimen. My financial situation is nothing short of abysmal, and if I don't change something quick, it's only going to get worse. Not to mention, my messy house just seems to grow messier.
I've beat myself up over these lack of achievements for years, and still gotten no where.
But this is where I change all of that.
I'm going to take a stand, now, before my life has passed me by without my ever doing any of the things I've always dreamed of. And I'm sick of hating myself for not being "in control" or "disciplined" enough to make what I want happen.
But it isn't a lack of control. It isn't a lack of self-discipline. I have those things in spades, as I've proven time and again as I've turned down drugs, cigarettes, and gratuitous sex.
So, why do I have control on some things, but not in others? Well, I've trained myself in how to deal with those situations, I have the skills and personal motivation required to address them, I am friends with people who support my beliefs in those areas (even if they don't always share them), and I stay away from situations and things that would push me towards giving into temptation.
Unfortunately, I've done the opposite when it comes to my other goals.
So, to change, I'm learning new skills that apply to these goals, concentrating on my motivation whenever I am tempted, and surrounding myself by encouragement and an accommodating environment for change. And now I'm making myself socially accountable through this blog.
Here are my goals for this year (2013):
- Exercise, stretch, meditate, and work on my writing every morning & every evening
- Journal, stick to a budget, & write a poem daily
- Blog daily
- Clean & organize environment
- Set diet (list healthy choices, count calories consumed & calories burned)
- Learn to cook healthy alternatives
- Sketch something daily
- Write daily (x amount of words daily on main project)
- Improve posture (Alexander technique)
- Learn Spanish
- Learn belly dancing
- Improve my Walmart work performance
- Start composting
- Study anatomy
- Learn chess
- Study classical literature
I've already been at the first one for almost a month now. (will be at 4 weeks tomorrow, actually) without missing a day. And I've begun integrating the second, third, and fourth. I have to remind myself to start slowly, but those first four are so important that I can't feel right in putting them off very long.
Well, in case you haven't guessed yet, I'm starting this blog to catalog and encourage myself towards changing my life. And, in some part, I'm doing this with the hope that someone else out there who also wasn't born great will read this, and maybe be inspired to start achieving goals of their own. Who knows? Anything could happen, right?
That's what this is all about.
Daily stats:
- Exercised, stretched, meditated, and wrote both in the morning and night
- Wrote in my journal and began designing my budget for the coming 2 weeks.
- Blogged for the day.
- Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, did laundry, and picked up in my room.
