Working On Routine

Routine is the secret to success for me. I know it. I have proven it. I have lived it.

But it's so hard to put into practice.

I want to write every day again. I want to wake up and run most days. I want to feel limber and relaxed again. I want to remember calm, instead of trying to create it all the time. And I desperately want to see the progress I was making renewed.

So, my routine must return. But everytime I make a deadline for the day it has to be reenacted, I find some excuse to put it off another day. And another. And another.

Because tomorrow is a day that never comes. Saying "I'll do it tomorrow." is as good as saying "I don't want to do it at all."

The fact is, I want to see that beautiful progress I was making, but I don't want to put in the effort the routine costs. Which is funny, because it didn't feel like much effort while it was happening. At least, not until I added a whole bunch more to my routine.

But it's time to get off my butt and start this life change back up again. I'm tired of excuses and silly self-pity. I want to feel myself living again!

Here's hoping I can survive the ride.

Sorta Sane

So I disappeared after my nervous breakdown a bit. I know I'm not doing so well, because I can't write. I sit at the computer, pull the book up and just stare at it blankly for a long time. Not because I don't know where to go from here but because it just doesn't feel like the words are in me anymore.

Which is crazy. I know the words are there. I just can't seem to reach them.

But I have some good news. I read some pretty risque books on occasion, and since the rape I haven't been able to. But yesterday I made myself get a really rough one about a woman like me who was recovering from a severe rape who subsequently fell in love and found peace. Strangely, the book was better therapy than just about anything I've done so far.

My coworker and I are also getting along better. I had to go to our boss and report things, but we're dealing now. So that front looks better. 

And boys are still hitting on me and pressuring me to go out with them, which I'm just not ready for.

Beyond the recent trauma, I have a hard time finding men who I click with. I guess I'm a little picky. I need to feel passion with them, need to be able to hold intelligent conversations with them, and they need to be able to call me on my crap sometimes.

Looks are not required. Appreciated, but not required. Money is not required. A nice perk, but again, I don't really care. I just need to FEEL when I'm with them, instead of having that cold logic dominating my personality.

I wish I could write my book again. I feel the words inside me, wanting to be unleashed. It feels like something is in the way right now, though. And I'm not sure if it's my personal problems or a story problem.

Anyway, thought I'd get on here and let you all know that I am coping and dealing with things in my own way. I don't like how depressed I've been lately and I'll soon be dragging my butt back out of it. But right now, I just don't have the energy to.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Right?

My Own Worst Enemy

I've never understood what has held me back from being the person I wanted to be. I did a lot of research at the beginning of this life change and tried to find out what that was and make it work this time. And I discovered so many useful things. I found my way to what I needed.

And now it feels like I'm back where I started from. I don't understand it. It's like my own mind and body turned against me just as I got into the swing of things. And I'm not just talking about the emotional mind that sabotages all humans in their pursuits of doing what's best vs. what feels good. I'm talking about literally turning against me: I have a lupus flare and I can't physically do any of the things I need to. Plus, there's the little fact that I am bipolar (no manias, just depression), and I've been terribly depressed the last week or so. Add that in and you have a double whammy.

I'm weak as a kitten physically, my brain thinks nothing but bad thoughts no matter how many times I redirect it, and I feel exhausted, mentally and physically all of the time.

But I NEED this so badly. I have to make this life change happen. I have to make it work. This is that important to me.

Lately, I've been slipping a lot. I think it's because I lost the ability and time to do a lot of my pre-planning. Pre-planning is one of the most important things I've found in my arsenal of change. If I didn't plan ahead of time what will and won't happen, what I'll work on and what I'll ignore, I fail.

I haven't cleaned my room hardly at all. I've maintained it to a certain degree, but no real cleaning. I haven't cleaned the kitchen. I haven't cleaned out my car again. I haven't done my daily routines. I haven't done a lot of things of late.

And jumping right back in right now feels impossible. I tell myself to get up and do it, but my mind and body fight me the entire way. I end up feeling worse when I try than if I didn't.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too broken to succeed.

But then I think about all the people who have made it. Did their problems seem any less insurmountable? When they thought about all it would take to make them succeed, did they ever feel terrified and overwhelmed?

Were they their own worst enemies, too?

I know I spend a lot of my time on this blog complaining about the difficulties. So I'm going to try being more positive and upbeat on here again. I look back at my first posts, and I like what I was writing then. I was full of hope and determination and every word shone with that emotion behind it. Lately, my feelings of inadequacies have come out to play, and my writing has reflected that.

No more.

Complaining, while inevitable, is not what I want to waste my time on. I'm going to get this train back on track, even if it feels impossible. And I'm going to be more positive again. I like that version of me.

But I can't succeed if I'm fighting myself the whole way. I'm going to have to do more research and figure out a way to deal with the physical and mental problems I have. Because they aren't just going to go away and let me succeed. They are here to stay and I'm going to have to cope with them if I want to make this work.

I really want to make this work.

Is Anybody Out There?

I feel very alone today. Partially my own fault, of course. Thoughts of that boy I fell for came up yesterday and I couldn't resist looking him up on facebook last night.

And, of course, I looked straight into the pictures of him with his new girlfriend, happy and living his dream.

On the one hand, I'm so glad he's happy. On the other, I hate that he couldn't be happy with me. Is there something wrong with me that I can't find that special someone?

And then I logged onto my new fictionpress account to see if anyone had read the 2 poems I posted yesterday. Only 1 of them had a review. It was a good review, but still. It felt as though my goal to become a better writer and get people to read my work was utterly unattainable.

Plus, no one commented on my blog recently. Mark usually does so, and I have to say, he's probably the only reason I've been able to keep a lot of this going. I need help from other people to stay strong, whether I like it or not.

I even put myself out yesterday and visited a whole bunch of other sites. I commented, I followed, and I spent time working on this whole blog follower thing.

Still no follows or comments. :( My picture looks so lonely and sad sitting on that list all by itself.

I apologize if I sound all whiny. But I feel like whining a little today. My ego took a real beating over the last 2 days, and now I just want to go to sleep and forget all about this life change thing. My life held less disappointment in it when I wasn't trying all new things all the time.

Of course, it also held far less success.

And I know that. Logically speaking, anyway. But my emotional brain is urging me to call it quits right now, because it doesn't like this pain I'm feeling. It sucks when 2 parts of your own mind are fighting against each other. And it's exhausting.

Well, I'm not calling it quits. But I am going to go to sleep and see if tomorrow could be a better day than today was. Good night, everybody, and I hope you're feeling far less lonely than I am tonight.

Meet The Woman I Am

I am 23 years old. Too young to be respected, and yet too old to be given allowances. But in respects to change, I feel like a small child who has finally been given the means of how to walk.

I've lived my life believing that I had no 'drive'. No motivation. I was a calm and good person, whatever that means, but I wasn't competitive and I didn't strive to reach goals for myself. If someone put a small goal in front of me, I reached it and then laid in wait, like a wind-up doll, doing nothing of any import until someone else decided to come along and give me another goal to attempt to strive for.

I have always believed that I could not set my own goals and achieve them. I've tried despite this from time to time, determined to change.

And then I would fail, reinforcing my belief that I couldn't do it for myself. I needed someone else to make me do it.

Schools, jobs, parents, all of them teach you this through the use of the carrot and the stick approach. If you do what they want, you're rewarded. If you deviate from that path, you're punished. In small regards, this is healthy. It's a normal means of controlling a society and also a strong motivator. Taken to extremes, however, it can be addicting and have a negative impact on your personal growth.

And this is what I've become.

I am 23 years old. I've still never done more than a first draft of a book, never learned a second language, never raised my own vegetables, never traveled to Europe or South America or Africa. And I'm afraid that those things won't change over the next 7 years.

Because they won't. Not if I don't change today.

Daily Stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in my journal and successfully stayed on budget. Even made up for my spendthrift ways yesterday and the day before. :)
3. Posted on my blog.
4. Picked up in room a little and in den.

Becoming Great

Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.

-William Shakespeare

Or, in more modern terms, some people are MADE to be great. We can't all be born that way, and with my low achievement past, I'd say I wasn't. But that doesn't mean I can't ever be.

I can make myself into whoever and whatever I want to be. Which brings me to why I'm here, tonight, starting a new blog.

I want to change my life.

Who doesn't want to change a thing or two in their lives? And we all swear that someday, we're going to do it. We're going to pursue our dream profession; we're going to exercise more; we're going to eat better; we're going to work harder at our jobs. But we'll do all of those things tomorrow.

Well, my tomorrows have come and went and no change has been seen. I still haven't finished my books, I still haven't become a regular, steady blogger, I've never kept to an exercise schedule, and I've never believed that I even COULD stick to a diet regimen. My financial situation is nothing short of abysmal, and if I don't change something quick, it's only going to get worse. Not to mention, my messy house just seems to grow messier.

I've beat myself up over these lack of achievements for years, and still gotten no where.

But this is where I change all of that.

I'm going to take a stand, now, before my life has passed me by without my ever doing any of the things I've always dreamed of. And I'm sick of hating myself for not being "in control" or "disciplined" enough to make what I want happen.

But it isn't a lack of control. It isn't a lack of self-discipline. I have those things in spades, as I've proven time and again as I've turned down drugs, cigarettes, and gratuitous sex. 

So, why do I have control on some things, but not in others? Well, I've trained myself in how to deal with those situations, I have the skills and personal motivation required to address them, I am friends with people who support my beliefs in those areas (even if they don't always share them), and I stay away from situations and things that would push me towards giving into temptation.

Unfortunately, I've done the opposite when it comes to my other goals.

So, to change, I'm learning new skills that apply to these goals, concentrating on my motivation whenever I am tempted, and surrounding myself by encouragement and an accommodating environment for change. And now I'm making myself socially accountable through this blog.

Here are my goals for this year (2013):

1. Exercise, stretch, meditate, and work on my writing every morning & every evening
2. Journal, stick to a budget, & write a poem daily
3. Blog daily
4. Clean & organize environment
5. Set diet (list healthy choices, count calories consumed & calories burned)
6. Learn to cook healthy alternatives
7. Sketch something daily
8. Write daily (x amount of words daily on main project)
9. Improve posture (Alexander technique)
10. Learn Spanish
11. Learn belly dancing
12. Improve my Walmart work performance
13. Start composting
14. Study anatomy
15. Learn chess
16. Study classical literature

I've already been at the first one for almost a month now. (will be at 4 weeks tomorrow, actually) without missing a day. And I've begun integrating the second, third, and fourth. I have to remind myself to start slowly, but those first four are so important that I can't feel right in putting them off very long.

Well, in case you haven't guessed yet, I'm starting this blog to catalog and encourage myself towards changing my life. And, in some part, I'm doing this with the hope that someone else out there who also wasn't born great will read this, and maybe be inspired to start achieving goals of their own. Who knows? Anything could happen, right?

That's what this is all about.

Daily stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and wrote both in the morning and night
2. Wrote in my journal and began designing my budget for the coming 2 weeks.
3. Blogged for the day.
4. Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, did laundry, and picked up in my room.