Friday, March 15, 2013

Struggling to Tread Water

I feel so exhausted this week. I've done most all I've set out to do, and worked a 6 day, 40 hour week (unusual for me) at the same time. Not to mention, I've put in a lot of early mornings. Which means I've had very little sleep this week.

Shouldn't be a big deal, right? It probably wouldn't be, but I have lupus. And this missing sleep thing has caused repeated fevers, extreme pain, and other health problems. It's really frustrating when it feels as if you're own body has turned against you. How do you fight yourself?

I know I can't. But I have to try to struggle with it just enough to get some of my goals done. Win a few battles, and then wave the white flag in defeat against the tide.

I keep reminding myself that if I can keep this schedule up through this, I can keep it up through anything. This is a challenge, one I'm determined to win. I repeatedly drag the big picture into the forefront of my mind and look at it, reminding myself WHY I'm doing all this. I want to be a successful writer. I want to be happy. And I can achieve that, if I just stick to my goals.

But sometimes it feels as though the illness is stronger than I am. I worry that I'll give in to the weakness.

I don't want to be weak anymore.

I wish I had someone to share this with. Someone to tell me just a little further and you'll be over this hump. Just a little more and you'll win the war.

Oh, well. Guess I'll just have to tread water on my own until I find myself a swimming buddy.

Daily stats:

1. Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
2. Wrote in journal and worked on budget.
3. Wrote in blog
4. Picked up room

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