I am 23 years old. Too young to be respected, and yet too old to be given allowances. But in respects to change, I feel like a small child who has finally been given the means of how to walk.
I've lived my life believing that I had no 'drive'. No motivation. I was a calm and good person, whatever that means, but I wasn't competitive and I didn't strive to reach goals for myself. If someone put a small goal in front of me, I reached it and then laid in wait, like a wind-up doll, doing nothing of any import until someone else decided to come along and give me another goal to attempt to strive for.
I have always believed that I could not set my own goals and achieve them. I've tried despite this from time to time, determined to change.
And then I would fail, reinforcing my belief that I couldn't do it for myself. I needed someone else to make me do it.
Schools, jobs, parents, all of them teach you this through the use of the carrot and the stick approach. If you do what they want, you're rewarded. If you deviate from that path, you're punished. In small regards, this is healthy. It's a normal means of controlling a society and also a strong motivator. Taken to extremes, however, it can be addicting and have a negative impact on your personal growth.
And this is what I've become.
I am 23 years old. I've still never done more than a first draft of a book, never learned a second language, never raised my own vegetables, never traveled to Europe or South America or Africa. And I'm afraid that those things won't change over the next 7 years.
Because they won't. Not if I don't change today.
- Exercised, stretched, meditated, and worked on my writing twice today.
- Wrote in my journal and successfully stayed on budget. Even made up for my spendthrift ways yesterday and the day before. :)
- Posted on my blog.
- Picked up in room a little and in den.