Wednesday, July 10, 2013


It's hard to tell the difference between motivation and ability sometimes. So often, if I lose all motivation, I say I can't do it. And I can list a whole host of reasons why I can't do it, too.

But the truth is, I can. I just don't really want to.

Which sounds horrible. The truth often does, of course, but there you have it. I don't want to get back on track and do my routine again.

I have a lot of motivation to achieve what I want. Sometimes. But then something happens, and suddenly I don't care. Nothing really matters to me for a while, and I have to drag myself out of the depressing pit where nothing matters, and back to the motivated, want-to-succeed person I really am.

I got my motivation back a short while ago. I started my routine back up. I hadn't quite made it to the blogging stage when the boy who raped me came back to my place of work and asked me if I was pregnant.

And just like that, motivation dropped to nothing.

I hate to admit something like this has such power over me. I hate to think how just a single meeting can change the course of my life completely. I want to believe I have control over my emotions and thus control over my life.

And life likes to remind me otherwise. Frequently.

I've decided to stop trying to force motivation. I need to recognize it when I have it, and jump on my work like no one's business, but I don't think I'll ever be able to completely control my emotions or life. And I do believe I'm going to get this train wreck of a change back on track and start achieving things again. I promise.

Just watch me go.


  1. I understand what you're saying about motivation Kyla, sometimes you think to yourself that there must be a reason why you haven't achieved something and in your head it maybe is that you just don't want it damn hard enough and it's a sad realisation but you're partially right, it can be true.

    I will say this though, if you're currently in that pit of depression then you and you alone need to drag yourself out of it. I know that it might even sound harsh or uncaring but the only person that can solve your problems is you. This guy, I mean he should be in jail right now but he clearly enjoys seeing you down at the lowest of the low and that says much more about him than it says about you.

    I understand how fickle motivation can be but here are the facts. You are a bright, intelligent young lady who is an absolute talent when it comes to writing. It would be a damn shame if you wasted that talent or didn't make the full use out of it. You are destined for success in your life but like everything destiny requires a little bit of work that will lead to this success. You have an amazing talent and it's all up to you but don't you dare waste it Kyla, I sound like the ultimate hypocrite because I struggle with motivation but you are better than that, seriously. You can do this Kyla, in fact it's cliched to the max but you will do this, we all have faith in you and your talents, you are not a weak person and that won't change no matter how much you do things that you consider makes you one. We're all pulling for you, things will only get better Kyla, great to see you back on here again.

  2. You can't control your emotions but you can control your life. You can't choose what happens to you, and some terrible things have happened to you, but you can choose how you respond to them. To give you an example, I have a friend who was demotivated because a story he wrote didn't get much attention at all. I wrote a story (heck, even a whole book) that didn't get much attention. He has since chosen to quit writing for a while, whereas I chose to keep going.

    Life gets you down. It's not fair, and it's not fun, but I know how good you are at picking yourself back up and not letting life stop you.